i can't forget her

Whoever said that “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times”, I totally believe her, for some reason, I had a nostalgic dream last night, which I haven’t had for ages, yes it was her, the only person that took my heart yet did nothing to it, as if it never existed.
I never imagine being in this stage, having it as a glorious fantasy yet on the other side a nightmarish epiphany. Because of this dream, I wondered, since from the start I knew that we don’t have any future ahead of us since it was a heaven-hell expedition, I still did dreamt of having at least a friendship bond with her, but the truth is that we were nothing but classmates, not even acquaintances, but purely, nothing else, classmates.

I know that if I were to believe in something metaphysical, I should believe on its opposite, so, I did believe that we at least had a shot for friendship, but in the end, as much as I hate to do so, I have to believe on its opposite.

But why of a1l nights would last night be so special? Was it because its her birthday or simply because I should be reminded of the pain I felt for whole years of my high school?
I wonder how she’ doing right now? The changes that occurred to her during these two years of no communication, all I can think of is the people that surrounded her during her journey, which I played no special or not even a single extra role.

Does she remember me? Or am I the secretly obsessed cant- move-on freak that still follows her moves? Perhaps I should stop this obsession, this phenomenon should never again appear in my thoughts, I think I have to move on, find a replacement or at least finds something else, because I can never replace something I never had.

Every time I search for the soul that could perfectly change my perspectives, I always compare it to her, from the voice, looks, and every bit of detail that seemed to have no significance. I am so attached to this boat that if it sinks, I will too, yet this boat doesn’t even know I’m one of its passengers.

How could I deal with this if I’m too possessive of a thing I don’t own? Its as if I really want this thing, but I have no resources to purchase it, but its on a display, and a lot of people like it, how could I fight if all I have is this yearning, yearning that doesn’t even cost anything that could match its tremendously high cost. Foolish ain’t I?

With all these contemplations, reflections and realizations, I still have nothing to offer, for her and for myself. Its as if I’m playing snakes and ladder and I’m on the verge of going to the one hundred spot, yet there is this big snake got me and made me return to one again,

I did for a time moved on but it seemed that whenever I think of her, I bring back all these rough moments that had hurt me and the healed wound that she left becomes fresh again.

I know that these memories of her would never vanish, it would always stay there whether I like it or not, but in the end, I still thank fate for letting me experience this feeling… knowing that this little heart of mine is possible to stumble and love, even if it doesn’t have a very happy ending.

Perhaps today, is another vicious cycle of moving on, hoping that when we meet again, she would at least remember me and say hi.