Couch Athletics - Episode 1

Typing furiously at his keyboard, Hevyd suddenly had a thought that caused the typing to immediately cease. He stared deeply into his computer screen, almost lost in the images that were popping up. He grabbed his coffee mug full of cream with some coffee in it, and walked out into the hallway. The hallways of Couch Athletics were decorated with works of art including Picasso, Van Gogh, and a few Hooters girls. Hevyd quickly made his way down the hallway into Vesta’s office.

“HEY!” Hevyd shouted.

Vesta looked over at Hevyd, and blinked a few times. “Yes?”

“Well….what would you do if I suddenly just, quit?”

“What, just out of the blue?”

“Yeah, bam I quit, that sort of thing.

“Well, why would you do that?”

“I don’t know, Tigers bit off my face or something.”

“Tigers? Why would your face being ripped off have anything to do with you wanting to work?”

“Well, you know. Let’s say they’re angry tigers, and the zoo or circus or wherever I got my face ripped off had deep pockets. So they paid me off and I was rich and didn’t have to work, so I quit.”

“Hm….that really doesn’t sound like you though.”

“Look, does it matter? Let’s just say I quit! What would you do?!”

“Well, I’m really not sure. Maybe take over and replace you with a college kid that could play video games and call me a fag on occasion.”

“Wow…….good answer.”

And just like that, Hevyd was down the hallway again heading even further from his office. The Couch Athletics compound was full of large buildings, 3 to be precise, and as Citan had pointed out during their last use of the helicopter to land on the Couch Athletics helipad. The compound did in fact look like a penis. Hevyd poked his head into Anthal’s office. Anthal’s office wasn’t overly large, but it was the only office that had a chute that took him directly into the datacenter.

“Hey!” Hevyd shouted again.

Anthal shoved a few liquor bottles out of the way. “What is it, tubbo?”

“So, let’s say tigers bit my face off, and I no longer wanted to work, what would you do.”

“Why bring in tigers? You don’t work anyway.”

“Yeah, but I mean what if I up and quit.”

“Well, my daughter is friends with a few guys in college; I’m sure we could just grab one of them and put them in your office. As long as they play video games and call me skinny bitch every time I come into work I doubt anyone would notice the difference.”

“I heard that answer already today.”

Anthal and Hevyd matched eyes for quite awhile.

“You look like you want me to come up with a different answer.” Anthal remarked.

“FINE! I’ll go ask Thana.”

Hevyd swirled around and vaulted the mail boy dropping off a keg into Anthal’s office and bolted for the next door. Barreling through the door and into a crouching position, Hevyd pulled out a Colt .45 and shot directly at the person sitting in the chair. Blood shot out forward and the corpse lurched in the chair.

“God damnit Hevy, every time one of my wife’s friends comes over and sits in my chair, you have to shoot them in the head. Thana complained pushing the corpse off the seat.

“When they start agreeing to sleep with me, I’ll stop killing them.” Hevyd remarked matter-of-factly. “Anyway, we’ve got business to discuss. Hevyd stood and took a seat in the chair in front of Thanatos’s desk.

“Fine, what do you want?”

“So, let’s say this circus paid me off and I didn’t have to work anymore and quit, what would you do?”

“The circus offered to buy you again? Are you seriously considering this time? Remember, as long as you shave your chest, you can be the bearded fat lady.”

“No, this is just a hypothetical.” Hevyd paused for a second. “Ass.”

“Oh, well I don’t know. We’ve got a college nearby, we could always jus-.”

Hevyd cut him off. “I got that from both Vesta and Anthal already, need a better answer.”

“Alright, well, I guess we don’t need to get rid of you, just need to lure you back in. I’ll buy a dozen donuts everyday and just sit them on your desk. You could smell them from home.”

“Not bad.”

And like that Hevyd was out the door. Running down the hallway he got to his door and peered in. Meek and Ted Theodore Logan were sitting in chairs across from his desk. Hevyd got down on all fours and crawled on the floor like a spider to his desk, then slid up his seat and sat down as if he had been there the whole time. He eyed both of them suspiciously.

“What do you want?” He said with complete and utter disdain.

“What the hell, Hevy?” Said Ted. “We just wanted to run a few things by you.”

Hevyd glared at Meek suddenly.

“How much have you been drinking?”

“Uh, I just got in, so I’m still a bit hung-over. I don’t know, 3 beers?” Meek said confused.

“Ha! You come to me with ideas, and Meek isn’t even 5 beers into his day?! Both of you, leave now!” Hevyd screamed as he jumped onto his chair and pointed at the door.

“Look, Hevy, I just wanted to run some marketing ideas by you before we release the game.” Ted said In a calming manner holding both his hands up as if to show he wasn’t holding anything.

“Alright then, proceed.” Hevyd said in a very low and menacing tone. “Under one condition. You both tell me what you’d do if I quit because of tigers.”

“The sports team?” Ted said curiously. “Or, like getting your face bitten off by tigers?”

“Hevy, no man could replace you.” Meek said in between beer gulps.

“I dunno, I’m sure we could replace him, but what would fit in here and make us not even notice the change? You know, make things seemless?” Ted asked Meek.

“I stand by what I said, but if we absolutely had to replace him, we could just get some angry college kid that plays games a lot to come in 8 hours a day and sit at Hevy’s desk. Meek remarked.

Hevyd just cradled his head in his hands. “I think it’s time to quit.”