And It All Turns To Dust

         Ellie's phone vibrated loudly next to her, jolting her up from her sleep. She flipped open the black shiny exterior and glanced at the clock. 11.30 AM. Not bad for going to bed at 5 AM, she thought to herself.
         "Heyyy," drawled the voice at the other end of the phone.
         "Hello?" Ellie responded, groggy and confused. "Who is this?"
         "It's Atty, dumbass!" the voice yelled through the phone, sounding not one bit hungover, like it should have.
         "Atty. Jeez. What are you calling me this early for?"
         "It's not early," Atty responded. "I'm calling you because we're meeting up at one and I figured I'd tell you earlier so you wouldn't sleep through it."
         "Everyone as in..."
         "Me, you, Pete, Darla, and Pheobe. Well, maybe not everyone. But some people. At the park, one. Be there." There was a beeping sound as Atty hung up his phone and the call was ended. Ellie slowly got up out of her bed and walked over to her mirror. She ran her hands through her tangled brown hair, in a vain attempt to untangle it. She hadn't even bothered to change into PJs after she had stumbled in her front door last night, so she had just stripped down to her underwear and then passed out on her bed. Her dark eye makeup she had done especially for last night, combined with her maroon lipstick to make a goth effect, had both run down her face, leaving her looking like a vampire who had just had it's last meal while also crying heavily. In short, she looked like shit. Ellie grabbed her towel off the back of her chair and dragged herself into the shower. Might as well go meet them, she thought. Nothing else to do.
         She knew how predictable it would be, though. Pete would have weed, probably a whole big bag of it, they would get high, Darla would end up traipsing off with Atty to make out or do more, then her, Pheobe, and Pete would go over to someone's house, possibly invite more people, and get more high. Then there would be more drugs and some booze and louder music and much much more people and Atty and Darla would probably come back and hey, presto-chango, it would be a party. Some people would call it exciting, and sure, Ellie didn't mind the endless nights of parties (although she did mind the endless mornings of hangovers), but it all got a little tiring after a while, and she was starting to almost look forward to school.
         After her shower, she tried to pull out something that would look equal parts chill-out gear and party gear. She couldn't quite find the right balance, so after putting on shiny turquoise tights from American Apparel, her tatty old denim shorts, and a yellow flannel shirt, then throwing a gold Urban Outfitters pendant on over the top, she stuffed a 80's floaty tunic she had got at a thrift store into her bag. It was blue shiny material and had a super retro looking design on it that matched her tights perfectly. She picked up her chrome eyeshadow and shoved it into her tote too, hoping it would be enough to look like she actually made an effort for whichever party there would be. But for now, Ellie lined her eyes in brown and slicked on some pink lip gloss, then shoved her feet into some shiny black flats and made her way out the door.
         Ellie's mom was never home. She came home way after Ellie did, early in the morning, got the same amount of sleep if not less than Ellie, and usually wasn't there to see her wake up in the morning. She called Darla as she was in the elevator going downstairs. She picked up on the first ring.
         "Hey Ell. You coming to the park?" she asked, reading Ellie's mind.
         "Yup. I'm just on my way there. I was calling you to ask where we're meeting."
         "By the lake. You know, by the ice cream place?"
         "Ahh, yeah."
         "Yeah, Atty says he knows some guy who deals there. And he got money from dealing to those rich kids uptown, you know, shitty pot for twenty bucks a pop, so the guy's gonna be able to supply us with pills for, like, a week. We've gotta chip in, though." Atty made most of his money buying crappy pot for as cheap as he could, then going uptown to the rich schools and selling it to the rich kids there for as much as he could get away with. They didn't know the street prices of anything, so ten bucks for a dime bag seemed normal to them. It was practically like stealing, Atty always said.
         "Cool. Pills for a week," Ellie responded, thinking blissfully of that. She wasn't an addict, surely. She knew that. She'd never pop pills or even just smoke on her own. But what was partying without some crazy high, right? And what better way to get that than from raver-reject pills? "How much we gotta bring?"
         "I think like five bucks each. But bring ten, just to be safe." Five! That was nothing! Ellie was pleased. She opened her plain black wallet and checked for bills. There were two twenties, pressed together, crisp and new.
         "Awesome. I got the money."
         "Cool. See you there, then?"
         "Yeah, yeah, uh, where are you?"
         "Nearly there. Oh, I can see Atty and Pete. Talk to you when you get here, 'kay?" Darla said, hanging up her phone. Ellie was glad she lived only a few blocks away from the park and walked fast so she could at least beat Pheobe, who was probably the slowest creature known to mankind.
         Ellie could easily see the brightly-dressed forms of her friends as she approached the lake. They stood out from everyone else like a punk in a prep school. Atty's new American Apparel jeans, the same neon turquoise of her tights, practically blinded her. And paired with a red shirt, most probably from Urban Outfitters, she seriously wondered how she wasn't losing her eyesight that very second. Darla's bleach-blonde hair made her stand out wherever she was, but it was her giant gold hoops and 50's pin-up makeup that really made her her. Her red puffy dress was billowing out around her as she was sitting cross-legged by the edge of the lake. Pete had on tatty navy skinny jeans, the jean-version of Ellie's own shorts. He paired it with a short sleeve navy flannel shirt and black fedora, and was probably hiding his hungover-looking eyes behind his knockoff white Ray-bans. Ellie sighed. This was why everyone was saying they should be together. Granted, the first time she had met Pete she had thought she was smitten, but as he hung around a bit more, she realized too much drugs had gone into Pete to make him anything much of substance, anything really worth dating. Ellie was secretly seriously scared, though, that this was going to happen to all of them. But then again, that didn't hold her back from smoking and pill-popping like there was no tomorrow at most of the parties they went to.
         "Hi," she said simply as she sat down beside them. She dug her hand into the Dirty Chips bag Darla was eating from and came up with a handful of salt-and-vinegar.
         "Hey," Darla responded. "Don't take too much! It's not like the giant-sized bag." She flicked away her hand, blurring her shiny red nails.
         "Yoo, Ellie," Atty said in his usual drawl. "You remember last night?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively.
         "What... With Ray? Yeah, so?" she responded defiantly.
         "So... Everyone saw you two hooking up!"
         "I don't care," Ellie lied, blushing.
         "What was up with that, anyway?"
         "I don't know, we've been hooking up for a while now, okay?"
         "Seriously? Why didn't you tell anyone?" Darla interjected.
         "I dunno, again. Because I don't wanna date him."
         "Why not?" Pete was at it now, too.
         "I just don't, okay?!" Ellie said, angry now
         "Just leave it, Pete, okay?" Darla jumped to Ellie's defense. She was the only one of the four of them who knew about Ellie's previous relationship with a boy called Tim. It wasn't exactly the best of relationships, and Ellie had come out of it with more than a few bumps and bruises.
         "Jeez, fine," Pete responded hostilely. The four talked for a little while more until they saw Pheobe's curvy figure making its way towards them. Ellie spotted her first and called out.
         "Hey! Pheobs! Over here!" She waved her hand so she could see. Pheobe saw and began speed-walking towards them.
         "Hiya! How late am I?" was the first thing she asked after she sat down.
         "Umm... About twenty minutes," responded Darla.
         "Getting better!," Pheobe said optimistically.
         "Mmm," Atty replied, dripping with sarcasm.
         "C'mon, Atty, you want her to arrive an hour late again?" Ellie said.
         "Yeah, yeah, whatever."
         An hour or so later, Atty had met up with the dealer Darla was talking about, they had got their fair share of pills, and the five were currently debating whether to bring them out that night or just keep them for themselves.
         "Don't be stupid, Pete! A party's not a party without getting fucking high! And if people see us with them, it's not like they'll be like okay, it's okay, let's be sober! Come on." Darla thought that they should share the pills with whichever of their friends that attended the party they were already planning to have tonight.
         "Okay, I'm sorry, but I agree with Pete. They'll bring their own shit! And there's always, I dunno, weed. And knowing Fingers, he'll have some shrooms or some shit. We payed for this between ourselves. So we should have it!" Ellie didn't want to share the pills with anyone but the four others who payed.
         "Well Fingers is just an idiot. He'll share with anyone, you know," added Pete.
         "Exactly," responded Ellie. "We can get shit off him, other people can get shit off him! And if we want to use the goddamn pills, we can go into the fucking bathroom and pop them! Am I right, or am I right?!"
         "I think we should share... Have drugs, be happy!" Pheobe joked.
         "I found the dealer, I get to make a decision." It was the first thing Atty had said for the whole mini-argument.
         "Point," said Darla. Ellie sighed. Darla always agreed with Atty, no matter what. But what with the both of their fiery tempers and Atty's protectiveness over Darla and vice versa, there was no point in really pointing anything out.
         "So? What's your decision?" Ellie asked.
         "I'm gonna have to agree with you and Pete, Ell. We payed, we get 'em. We can just sell them at the party, like, a few, if we need to, anyways."
         "Good idea!" Darla said.
         "I gotta say, Atty, that is a pretty good idea. Especially if we get some clueless people to come. They'll do really stupid stuff, it'll be really funny, and we'll make some money!" Pete added.
         "Yeah. Genius, ain't I?" Atty said smugly, not before Ellie playfully hit him in the back of his head.
         "Shut up," she laughed. "Hey, we should go over to someone's so we can divide these babies up equally, no?" she suggested.
         "Yeah, good idea," said Pheobe. "Let's go over to mine. My mom's at her boyfriend's house for the weekend." Pheobe's mom, like Ellie's, was almost always out, although for other reasons than Ellie's.
         "Cool," said Atty. The five got up, and, careful to hide the pills, made their way out of the park.
-----
         A subway ride later, they were all at Pheobe's house, sitting on her red comforter covered bed. The pills had been counted and divided equally, about seven each. They were now contemplating whose house to crash, which dumb rich kids to invite, and when to call the rest of the regular gang.
         "Name some names," said Pete. "Regular people. And I'll call 'em. We shouldn't just make this like a drugged-out chilling-out party, we should make this some fucking hardcore, crazy dancing, people, like, having sex on the fucking tables party. Seriously, man. We got some E, yeah!"
         "Totally," Ellie responded. "This needs to exceed expectations," she smiled, thinking of the shit that would probably go down that night.
         "Regulars..." Atty trailed off, thinking. "Us, obviously. Fingers, Ray," he paused to flash a look at Ellie, which she promptly ignored, "Monica and Minty, Dave, Jeff, Lira, and, uhh... That's really all, I guess," he finished.
         "Pheobs, invite those girls you know," said Pete. "They're hot!"
         "What, Kaylie and Des? The girls I was camp CITs with? Umm, okay," she said. "I don't know if they'll be able to come, though."
         "Okay, you guys, fuck this. You know what we're gonna do?" Atty interjected.
         "What?" Ellie and Darla responded simultaneously.
         "Go through your contacts on your phones. Call EVERYONE on it who you think is one: worthwhile to come, two: will buy some drugs for way over their real price, three: are hot, and four: can come. You got that?" Atty was always thinking of ideas and things like this, and when he told everyone of them, he spoke like a war general getting everyone ready for the battle of their lifetimes. Although, battle of their lifetimes this was not, party of their lifetimes it could be.
         "Good fucking idea, man!" Pete said.
         "Yeahhh," drawled Darla, rubbing Atty's shoulder. Ellie rolled her eyes a little, though making sure the two wouldn't see her.
         "Alright!" Pheobe said. "Kaylie and Des can come. And I can already think of, like, five other people that I'll invite. There's a few people I used to know from middle school who seem kind of cool now. Well, according to their Facebook profiles. I think I've still got their numbers, I'll call them and invite them."
         "Oh, and tell them to bring everyone else they can!" Darla squealed. "This is gonna be fucking awesome."
         "Good idea," Ellie said to her. She wasn't usually one to get excited about another typical party, but this one was gonna be BIG. And hey, there was E! Fucking E! And not just that, other pill-shaped drugs, too! She got started going through her contacts, and within ten minutes, she already had about fifteen more people on their imaginary, ever-expanding guest list.
------
         Ellie could hear another crowd of people coming through the door as she stuffed her handbag into the cupboard under Pheobe's sink to avoid anything being stolen. She touched up her chrome-coated eyes and brushed on yet another coat of thick black mascara. She then stood up on the toilet to try to use the mirror above the sink as a full-length, checking her outfit in it. She nodded to herself, satisfied, then made her way out of the bathroom, pills in her pocket and head held high. She saw Atty sitting on the back of Pheobe's velvet-looking couch, drinking something and Darla under his arm. In between sips, Atty kissed Darla like something out of a cheesy romantic movie starring Cameron Diaz. Ellie sighed to herself. She remembered when Darla and Atty had first got together. It was such a shock to her! She wondered if it really was to anyone else, though. She especially found it weird because Atty had flirted with her so much previously, and also practically ignored Darla. Even though Ellie still got a little remnant of the flippy feeling in her stomach when she saw Atty, she brushed it away and denied any thoughts of liking him. Anyway, Darla was her best friend and had also liked Atty for much longer a time than she had, so Ellie figured it was only fair.
         "Hey." Ellie felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see it was Ray. All thoughts of ever liking Atty flew out of her head and the flippy thing she used to get for him came in ten times stronger for Ray. He was wearing the tightest black jeans possible, with a fluorescent yellow v-neck and a thin black leather band across this forehead. He looked like all the hot lead singers of Ellie's favorite bands combined.
         "Hey," she responded as nonchalantly as she could. "What's up?"
         "Nothing much. Anything happened since I last saw you?" He flashed a smile and Ellie wondered what willpower in her was keeping her from jumping on him and kissing him right that second.
         "Well... come to think of it, I think something did," Ellie said, smiling her best smile in an attempt to out-cute Ray.
         "Ooh... Really? What happened?" Ray asked. "Here, let's go somewhere a little quieter so you can tell me about it." It was not until then that Ellie realized Flux by Bloc Party was playing at top volume on Pheobe's Bose stereo and she was having to yell to be heard over it. Ray put an arm around Ellie and steered her towards what Pheobe called the 'Guest Room'-- her older brother's room, who had gotten kicked out of their house about a year ago. Her mother had thrown out all his stuff, so the room was bare except for a bed and a few items of totally bare furniture.  Ellie sat down on the bed and Ray sat down next to her.
         "Well...", Ellie started, trying to be as 'seductive' as she could without sounding dumb, "You have to promise not to tell anyone if I do tell you, because then you won't be able to have them."
         "Have what?" Ray inquired.
         "Shh, you'll see. Do you promise not to tell?" Ellie raised her eyebrows and smirked, putting an outstretched index finger on Ray's lips in a symbol to silence him. He smirked right back at her and spoke through her finger,
         "Sure."
         "Okay. So," Ellie paused to dig the little baggie of pills out of her pocket, "We got a shitload of E tonight. Me, Pheobe, Atty, Darla, and Pete. Seven fucking pills each. They're not gonna give to anyone else because we made an agreement, I mean we each payed, but I'm gonna make an exception for you," she finished, moving closer to Ray and crossing her leg over his.
         "Damn!" Ray said quietly. "Seven pills each?!"
         "Yup." Ray paused for a second before responding,
         "You know what would be cool?"
         "What?" Ellie replied.
         "If you had sex with me while we were on E," he said raising his eyebrows suggestively at her.
         "Full-blown sex, no. But anything but, sure," Ellie grinned.
         "Hook me up, soldier," Ray said, motioning to the baggie of E squeezed tight in Ellie's hand. She took out two pills and popped one into Ray's mouth, one into her own. She squeezed her eyes shut tight as she swallowed, then moved towards Ray and began to kiss him. She rolled over on the bed so Ray was on top of her and felt the dizzy hyperness begin to course through her body as Ray's tongue wormed it's way inside her mouth and met with her own. For now, she could forget anything about Tim or Atty, anything else that was bugging her. For now, in the little world inside Pheobe's so-called 'Guest Room', everything was perfect.
------
         Ellie didn't know how long she had been making out with Ray for, but it seemed like a while because the E was starting to wear off and she was starting to feel a comedown. Either that, or the drugs were really shitty. Ray could feel it too, because as soon as she stopped kissing him he said,
         "It's wearing off for me. Is it for you?"
         "Yeah, I think so."
         "We should go outside and see what's going on."
         "Yeah, okay." The two walked outside to see pretty much the same scene as when they had left, but this time a little more chilled out. Trance music was spinning on the stereo and everyone looked pretty high. Ellie spotted Darla instantly, without Atty for once, and walked over to her, leaving Ray to do whatever.
         "Hey! Where've you beeeeeen?" Darla said as soon as she saw her, dragging out the last word.
         "With Ray," Ellie replied simply before sitting down next to her and asking, "How's the party going?"
         "You should be one to ask, I mean, you're the one who wanted a big party and you spend the whole time making out with Ray!"
         "How long have I been gone, then?"
         "I dunno, two hours or so?"
         "That's not that long."
         "Whatever, I guess not."
         "So... Anything going on, really?"
         "Nahh, we were dancing a bit earlier but, I dunno, we stopped."
         "Where's Atty?"
         "Getting us a drink."
         "Ahh."
         "So you gonna go back off with Ray again or you gonna chill with us now?"
         "Chill with you guys. And jeez, it's not like I was abandoning you guys or anything. I spent the whole day with you guys, and it's not like I didn't like that or anything, but it's just that Ray was here and I hadn't seen him all day so I wanted to hook up with him, okay?"
         "Whatever. I guess you have a point. At least it's not in front of everyone like last time," Darla joked.
         "Shut up! I was so fucking drunk. I don't even remember what I did like half the time!"
         "Yeah, me too, sort of. Not as drunk as you were, though, I think."
         "Haha, yeah," Ellie laughed. "But you usually beat me in the getting wasted competition, so..."
         "Yeah. Christ, where the fuck is Atty? I'm fucking thirsty and he's been gone for like five minutes. The drinks are just in the fucking kitchen."
         "I dunno. Let's just go find him or get a drink ourselves. I'm thirsty too."
         "'Kay." The two walked over into Pheobe's tiny cramped kitchen.
         "What the fuck is that?" Darla asked. She was referring to the frenzied yelling coming from inside the kitchen. They walked over to the other side and saw a small crowd of people, gathered around something they couldn't see.
         "What is this?" Ellie asked, kind of worried. The people all looked really scared. She spotted Pheobe as one of the people crouching down around whatever it was and tapped her on the shoulder. "Pheobs! What's going on?" she yelped.
         "Oh my god, Ellie," Pheobe said, frantic. Ellie saw her face was streaked with black-mascara train tears and she was speaking quickly and worriedly. Ellie instantly crouched down beside her and tried to see over the people, but couldn't push through.
         "What happened?!" Ellie asked, more worried now.
         "It's--It's Atty, he, I don't know, I think he OD'd!" she said, sobbing now.
         "Oh my god," Ellie said, not quite believing what she had just heard. She pushed her way between the people, more forcefully this time, and saw a dreadful sight-- Atty, lying face-up on the floor, his skin blue and cold and looking not dead, but not exactly alive either. Ellie felt Darla push her way down beside her and heard her scream echo through her eardrums and into her brain.
         "NO!", she yelled. "Someone fucking call 911!"
         "But we'll get arrested," some random boy in an Arctic Monkeys t-shirt commented.
         "Us get in trouble, or my fucking boyfriend die? NINE-ONE-FUCKING-ONE!" Darla yelled. No one responded. "Fine, I'm gonna do it myself. Leave if you're so scared." Instantly, about five people got up and made their way towards the door, and it became easier to see Atty's limp body on the floor. Ellie didn't like crying. She hardly ever did it, let alone in front of other people. But as she felt the tears slip out of her eyes and down her cheeks, she didn't even care. Her pain of crying was nothing compared to what Atty must've been feeling, she thought.
------
         Fingers had been recruited by Pheobe to stay behind and clear her house of everyone else who had not witnessed the scene in the kitchen, so her house was clear of people but him and a few others by them. Darla, Pheobe, Pete, Jeff, and Ellie were squashed into the ambulance seat together. Darla was holding onto Atty's limp hand, Pete had his head in his hands and Jeff was wringing his together worriedly, Pheobe was still crying fairly heavily, and Ellie was staring out the window, watching the orange city lights of the night go by, trying to erase her mind of any of the events. But that was kind of hard for her, considering the events in question had happened a matter of minutes ago, were happening that very second, and would continue to happen. The ambulance abruptly pulled up to the hospital and the driver and his assistant bustled out and pulled out Atty's stretcher into the hospital. The five of them followed, almost running to match the two men's pace. Soon, they were in a white, rubbery hospital room, one that smelled to Ellie of a strange combination-- metal, linoleum, and something else that Ellie couldn't place, but swore smelled like death. They sat on the uncomfortable plastic chairs, not daring to speak even one word.
         Ellie wondered to herself how one night could go so wrong. The legal parts, with the drugs, hadn't even happened yet, and it just put an even bigger black cloud over everything. They didn't know if Atty was dead or alive, and the plan they had made up in the ambulance, to tell any authorities that it was an attempted suicide, seemed stupid and childish and insulting to Atty when Ellie thought it over.
         She tried to keep the worst from coming into her head, but the smell that she thought smelled like death kept on reminding her of it. Drugs were dangerous. People die from them. Not only all those famous rock stars who OD'd, normal people too. Like Atty. Like her. Anyone could die. But it couldn't be him, it just couldn't. All that life that was in him, all the energy, there was no way it could just all be sucked out. Where would it go? Would it just go to waste? Atty was only 15 years old, the youngest of all of them! How could he die? Even saying the word silently in her thoughts scared Ellie. She ignored her policy of hoping for the best but expecting the worst, and hoped for the best and expected the best.
         After what seemed like hours of tormenting themselves in that rubbery, white room, a doctor finally walked over to the five to give them some news. The distraught expression on his face, mixed with something that looked like deep anger, wasn't a good sign.
         A loud sob from Darla punctuated the air. Obviously she had seen the doctor's face.
         "Is there any news?" Pete said, quietly and grimly. He sounded to Ellie like someone on a daytime soap opera, where when someone got just a high fever everyone was over dramatic and acted like the patient was going to die. Except this time, it wasn't a daytime soap opera. It wasn't TV, it wasn't even a play or a book. It was their lives.
         "Yes," the doctor said, sounding just as grim as Pete.
         "Well? What is it?!" Pheobe frantically asked.
         "He...." the doctor trailed off. Ellie felt a deep pit in her stomach as she was waiting for the final statement, which instantly dropped and turned into a terrible cramp when she heard it.
         "He's dead." Ellie felt a lump in her throat and her skin turn prickly. The tears that had leaked out of her eyes back at Pheobe's house jumped back up again and slowly trickled down her face. Her face felt hot, like she had a fever.
         "No," she instantly said. "No, no, there must have been some mistake. Atty can't die. Atty won't die." She spoke the last sentence with punctuation after every word, as if to make it the final say, and therefore, the truth.
         "I'm sorry. He's dead. You all can leave now. His parents have been alerted and will be taking care of any other measures that need to be taken care of." The doctor seemed to not have much more say on the subject, and left the room. Ellie was expecting at least a 'We did everything we could', or something like that, but no. All they got was a simple, scary, 'He's dead'. Another loud sob came from Darla, filled with the kind of sadness you couldn't get from actors or on TV, only the kind you could get in real life. Ellie felt instant sorrow for her. Even with her worming jealousy, she knew that Atty and Darla were pretty much in love and couldn't imagine how much it must hurt to lose your boyfriend, especially one who you really, really, liked, loved.
         "Someone should call his parents," Jeff said in a small voice.
         "I already gave them their number," said Pete. He was paper-white and his voice sounded like he too was holding back tears. Ellie felt sorry for him, too, Pete and Atty had been best friends since elementary school.
         "We should go," Jeff said.
         "I can't sleep at my own house," Ellie was surprised to hear herself say, her voice thick with tears.
         "We're not going to mine," Pheobe said, her eyes wide as saucers and shaking her head violently. "No, no. I won't be able to go back there for days, I'm sorry."
         "We can go to mine," Pete said. "I don't mind." His voice was still extremely quiet.
         "'Kay," Pheobe responded forlornly.
-----
         It was only a short subway ride back to Pete's, and her, Darla, and Pheobe were laying, trying to fall asleep, on a kind of makeshift mattress out of comforters on Pete's bedroom floor. Jeff and Pete were sharing Pete's bed, any stupid mentions of 'being gay' forgotten in the sadness. Ellie looked at the little sliver of light filtering in through the gap between the two curtains and tried to think of what to do with herself. She couldn't really believe Atty was dead. She kind of refused to, in a way. Darla hadn't said a word the whole night since they had heard the news, and she could still hear her muffled, although now infrequent, sobs. Pheobe was the first to fall asleep, curled up in an almost fetal position. She couldn't tell if Jeff and Pete were asleep or not.
         Something so fun could result in something so somber; so sad? It seemed almost impossible. Yet here they all were, all memories of happiness that night erased by an event that would leave a indelible mark on their lives. Although, in the back of her mind, Ellie wondered if they knew something like this would have happened, sooner or later, all along.
------
<i>Aftermath: Ellie
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         I remember the kind of feeling I got when the doctor told us he was dead. It was really weird, I felt exactly like I did whenever I got a really high fever. My skin got all prickly and sensitive and it felt like someone had dug out all my insides. I felt all hot and my head hurt. It's really weird, too, because whenever I even think about Atty, or about what happened, I feel a little like that again. And it's kind of like feeling sick all the time, because I can't help it, something like this you think about really all the time.
         Of course, there are times when I forget. Short, little moments, like flashes of light, that are like the old times. But then I remember that Atty's not there to boss us around then get yelled at, or to make up stupid plans that could never work but we'll go through with anyway and totally fail and have so much fun while we're at it, and I feel all feverish again. It really sucks. I shouldn't use such a immature-sounding statement to describe something so heavy, but it kind of sums it up simply, in, like, a few words. It sucks, it really does.
         At first I forgot he wasn't there. I mean, I expected him to actually be there. They always say that's the first stage of grieving, denial. I thought I was way too hard to be like that, though. I thought I'd go straight to acceptance, maybe be a little sad and cry a little, but realize the person was dead and get on with my life. Yeah fucking right. Who was I kidding? There was a few, really sad times, when I was kind of desperate, I even tried calling Atty's phone, hoping him to pick up and drawl "Heyyyy!" but then I realized that I would never, ever hear that again. And the fever, well, what felt like a fever, came back, really heavily.
         We haven't touched anything but liquor, now. I feel kind of guilty doing it, like it's disrespecting Atty or something, but I know that he'd want us to have fun. But to be honest, I kind of do it to forget. And that's what they always say alcoholics do, so it kind of scares me. Drugs and such scare me a lot now. I mean, if there's any way to get rehab, or something, recovery, I don't know, then it's someone close OD-ing. It'll put you off heavy drugs forever, I can tell you that. I mean, we're really all scared of them now.
         Come to think of it, my case, case of sadness I mean, was one of the least serious. Me and Pheobe and Jeff, and I guess Minty and Monica and kind of Dave, we were all really really sad but it's kind of... Normal grieving, I guess you could call it? I mean, it's terrible, but it could be worse. And man, worse is what it is for Pete and Darla. It's terrible. Pete was such a total pothead and druggie before, and now, I mean, he hasn't touched a thing. Not even had a drink or a cigarette, total straight edge. I think he's scared shitless of them now. And if anything reminds him of Atty he gets all weird and stops talking. But I don't mind, well I do mind, but I can sympathize, because Pete's known Atty since the second grade! The second grade, that's one long-ass time! Christ, I feel so bad for him. Darla, too, it's really bad for her. She's stopped eating. She looks pretty fucking skinny now, it's terrible. And if you try to say anything about it to her-- and believe me, we have-- she get so damn weird about it and starts crying and going crazy and gets really mad. Sometimes I wish I could see what's going on in their minds, Pete and Darla, but then I don't want to because I know it'll just confuse me more about how I feel myself.
         I don't think anything will ever be the same. I tried to just overlook it at first, actually. How stupid is that? But then I realized how fucking dumb it was and just got down to it, the crying and such. It's really pretty terrible. I don't think I'm ever gonna get over it; none of us are. Losing one of your best friends... I mean, that's pretty fucking harsh. But I suppose we're gonna have to get used to it. It'll just be something we'll have to live with.
         Atticus Martin Johnson: 1992-2008. RIP, man. I miss you so fucking much and I love you. We all do. Good luck up there, 'kay? I know you'll rock it like you did down here. I'll never forget you.</i>
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