Confusion of Pain

I have yet to understand this hurting in my chest. Almost as if something wants to explode out, and yet has already been ripped out. I now realize that the pain is from someone whom I lost. A dear friend and a better lover. She once knew how to push my buttons and knew exactly what to say to make me forget it all. Her eyes were a sea of ever ending glory, one I was always lost in. Her voice, a chord of the purest note, one that made me want to sing with joy at the very sound of it. Whether her tone was harsh or not. Her walk hypnotized me to the greatest extent. But yet, in my full awe of her, I lost her somewhere. I realized that I was nothing compared to her, and she knew this. She showed it. I had no reason to live, I just lived to be there. She had so much to live for. She has so much going for her. Through all this I really do not understand why I even bothered to try.

I misunderstood my own pain. I thought it of an attack upon myself, from myself. One in which both sides was losing. An internal war, one on which I had no control of. Should I try once more? Or should I leave like I had planned and never come back, just like she wants. I don't understand why I even have to think. I know that I should just leave, she wants nothing to do with me. But yet I am stubborn, maybe there is a small chance. Maybe there is a possibility. Maybe she still does love me. Even as I type this I know I am wrong. Even as I think it, I know it is impossible. The pain grows ever more, pushing for an escape, an end. I want to scream, I really do. But what good would that do me now? None.

I know she will never read this, so I can openly say this, I still love you, and I want to try one last time. I want to see you smile again like you used to. I want to make you laugh uncontrollably like I did so many times before. I want you back, I want to try again. I want to be what you always wanted me to be.

We are both in a predicament. She is avoiding me and, it must seem as though I am avoiding her. Yet, I work so damn hard to make her see who I really am, and she seems to not see it at all. My life is in a whirlwind. I am young, and yet I am alone. I am more alone than I have ever been. Please come back to me.