And I'll Watch

I know who you want me to be
I know what you see when you look at me
What you’ve longed for for a year and will long for for years after this
When your eyes reach mine
I can see through them
I watch your heart melt, your hands shake, your thoughts rush, your emotions tumble.
I watch as you see me and your heart screams for me, your body moves towards me, your lips long for me
I watch as you try with every might in your soul to control yourself, to gather everything you feel and pull back
I watch as you try to hide within yourself and keep your distance
As each lock of our eyes tortures and breaks you
And then it happened, when you finally had the chance you’ve longed for
When there was nothing in the way
When I didn’t say no
I listened as your heart screamed, your blood rushed, your breathing quickened
And I lay there
Open, willing, wanting of love and safety, wanting to dive in the first sign of trust.
And I was there to witness your happiness, your belief that you’ll finally get what you’ve waited a year for.
Finally see if it was worth waiting.
I watched as you broke open and let all your protection down, when all your guard disappeared and all that was left was your fresh, untouched, unharmed heart.
And I gave. Without complaint. Without resitance.
And you took, you took as much as you felt right to take.
You took what you believed you deserved.
And after so long of standing on the sidelines waiting
You truly did deserve it. All of it.
But what you didn’t realize is that I’m not the one to give it
I’m not the one you should have waited for
I’m not the one you should’ve finally let your guards down for
I will only bruise you
Scar you
Break you.
And you, in your ultimate innocence don’t see it yet
Because you are too blinded with happiness right now.
You cant see that I’m not there.
That I’m not everything you waited for, I’m not everything you wanted and thought I would be.
Soon enough, you’ll get used to your blindness, and you’ll start to pick up on other things, feelings, touch, taste.
You’ll feel the difference in my hands
And the change of taste in my mouth
The difference of my heartbeat
And then soon you’ll see it in my eyes
That I’m not it.
That you waited, and it was for the wrong person.
That I let you down.
And that’s when you’ll look at me, with those all revealing eyes
And i'll watch
As your heart closes
As your hands pull away
As your emotions disappear and as only one thought flashes across your eyes.
Waste.
Every time after this, you’ll look at me, and i'll watch
As you realize what I always was, all along to you.
A waste.
And I wish now there was a way to keep that look from forming in your eyes
But I know its too late
You’re too blind now
And this is how it must be
no matter which way it starts or which way it ends.
And I’ll watch
Waiting for that day you see me for what I really am;
Never worth it.
And each day that I wait,
I’ll break a little more
Until that day you break,
and we are two shattered souls.
Both full of regret,
but one of anger
and the other;
mine,
of sadness.