The Academy: chapter 5

The next day and I was still in shock. I think he was feeling bad about it. He couldn't look at me anymore. When I got up I found a cup of tea waiting for me on the table. He was sitting there reading a magazine and pretending not to see me. I said nothing- just sat down heavily and ran my fingers through my hair.
I felt as if I'd aged about a thousand years. Like I'd been stuck up in an attic like a discarded photo album- so many memories, some good, most of them bad (but the bad ones cleverly hidden away). Like I was covered in dust and cobwebs. I needed cleansing. I needed life. I needed a wake up call.
I would have thought my little shock incident would have done just the trick- but it only made me more exhausted.
"Do you want to read this?" Aiden asked and offered the magazine over to me.
"No." I answered without so much as glancing at it.
"But it has an article about..." he trailed off quietly.
"About what?" I demanded impatiently.
"About what happened. The... the Hatch End thing."
"Then you can burn it." I said fiercely. I was so confused, first the guy wanted me to forget all about it. Now he was trying to remind me?
"But Gwen I-"
"You know I don't get you! Jesus christ- you say all this shit to me-"
"Gwen you know I-"
"No, Gwen NOTHING. You listen to me!" I exploded. Everything I wanted to say that night, everything I'd been feeling for the past day, it was all about to erupt out. "I had a bad day. I had a shit day. I suddenly collapsed- I was at my lowest. I hit rock bottom. And before that you'd just left me. You tentatively stepped around me and pretended it wasn't happening when I was grieving. I just needed to know someone was there. So to condole myself I drank. I drank more than I ever have before. I was off my face and needing to take it further. I'm not going to pretend I didn't think about ending it all- about taking my life and leaving you to deal with it, but I didn't. I didn't even try. I found those needles and I gave it a go. After that I stood up because I realised you we're going to be coming back soon and I didn't want you to find me there injecting heroin into my veins! I wanted to sober up and piss off so you wouldn't have to be in charge of me. But instead I slipped. I fell and I landed on my face and started bleeding. Then you- you come in there and you shove me out. You clean me up and then..." I paused for effect, my eyes looking wild and my mouth quivering. "Then you stand there and say that I was being like this on purpose. To get attention. That I wanted to be like that. Saying that I... that I... loved it." I spat the word out like a bad prawn you don't want to swallow. "So I made up my mind. I'd hide everything. I could go on with life and stick a false smile on my face- couldn't I? I'd just creep out in the night when you're asleep and cry. Although, if you woke up and found me I'd just be asking for attention. You have no idea. No FUCKING IDEA, what it was like for me. I'm sixteen. My mum was my best friend. I loved her so much, and then I lost her, my brother, my sister, my dad, my nan, my best friend and everything I owned all in one fell swoop. I realise that this is not ordinary times. That things are shit for everybody in the world at the moment- but that does not make it any easier. Especially not when the person you trust to be ok about everything ignores you, then spits out some inconsiderate, barbaric, cruel-as-Hitler shite." I caught my breath then dared myself to look up at him.
He looked... inhuman. Like he'd just had the wind knocked out of him. Certainly like my little speech had impact. Enough impact to knock down twenty houses it seemed.
Although I was trying fiercely not to be weak- to stay strong and not to be a little girl, I caved. I allowed the tears to flow silently. I didn't even make any noise, they just fell. I had bruises up and down my body from slipping over the previous night. My lip had a scab on it. My hair was tangled and disheveled and my makeup was coming off. Now I had tears spilling down and the sleeve of my top kept falling, exposing that gentle flesh around the shoulder and collar bone. I looked like the average street girl, hanging on the corner waiting for her next fix. Even before I really was like that I still looked different from the others. I had that 'clean' look about me. Like I didn't really belong. Someone had once described it like I was royalty stepping into the peasant's market place. I never felt like that. I always felt completely at home- like I owned the street and like I could get anything I wanted- potent- powerful, and completely alive. I couldn't have felt more different now.
I couldn't wait until he said something. I didn't want him to say anything, so I walked out.
I walked for as long as I could remember. I didn't know where I was going. In truth, my life up to this point had mostly been a series of questions and tragedies. Unfortunately, I didn't realise that everything I'd been through so far was nothing to what other people were suffering. Only experience would teach me this. So I kept walking for all those people who felt as I did.