I am who I am!

Abbey knew she was a wonderful person. Everyone she worked with as a Nursing Assistant affirmed it and had shown her much admiration for her caring spirit. It was the one thing that made her feel really good about herself.

She sometimes wished she could work 24-hours a day because life was actually much easier at work than at home with John, her husband of three years, and her two little children... a toddler and an "almost" one-year-old.

She loved her family. They were her life, but there was something inside of her that just made her try to control them, especially John. His family had been more than kind to her, always ready and willing to help in any way they could...with food, caring for the children. John's mom either visited or spoke with her on the phone every day just to chat and "be there" for moral support.

Abbey was confused though. She was taking the new pills that the doctor had given her last August. She sometimes doubted she had this "bi-polar" problem that the doctor claimed, yet at the same time she couldn't deny those horrible "incidents" that kept happening...quite regularly.

It wasn't until she met and fell in love with John that her problems grew worse. A previous boyfriend had dumped her and she was determined to hang on to this one! John truly loved her and they married after dating just six months. But why, oh why, could she not control her emotions? Abbey obsessed about John cheating on her even though he never did. It was her biggest fear. She had to know where he was every minute of every day and to keep the peace, John was allowing her rule the roost, literally.

John loved Abbey very much but the "rules" were getting harder and harder to live with. Now, because he worked in a gas station and had a lot of contact with people, Abbey demanded a detailed listing at the end of every day as to who he had seen during the evening shift. She cared only about the female customers...she simply demanded that he tell her everything about any conversations that ensued while he was working. Again, to keep the peace as much as possible, and because he was an extremely honest person, John submitted to her demands.

Abbey went ballistic when she learned one long-time friend had been in and invited him to a party, comically saying, "Bring the wife, or then again, come alone!" She loved John, yet she hated him at the same time. It mattered not that he was a wonderful father and was constantly doing special things to make her happy. She couldn't possibly believe that he truly loved her. How could she? She didn't love herself!

Her ups and downs were beginning to drive John to the brink of insanity. They were having arguments daily and John declined an invitation to take the family to the beach because he knew Abbey would in no way be able to handle him seeing women in bathing suits. She would think he was lusting after all of them!

Now Abbey has a new "unknown" to deal with. John has informed her that after her last tirade, he will no longer allow her to demand a daily accounting of who he has talked to and what was said. She walked away, angrily refusing to talk to him, but when John followed her and loudly asserted that he would then have divorce papers printed out and signed the next morning, she quickly backed off.

Abbey fears the future. Not the distant future, just the future hours and minutes of "today!" She knows that she "turns on a dime" and this isn't good for her marriage or her children, but she has suffered with this problem for so long she knows no other life.

Abbey's definition of the word "bi-polar" would be: "Extreme highs, extreme lows, confusion, emotional pain, and insecurity causing extreme control issues."


Word Count: 667

Note: This was written to show a glimpse of my daughter-in-law who has many wonderful qualities, but both suffers and causes others to suffer when she is becomes irrational, surly and antagonistic. She is a rapid cycler so life is a real challenge for all of us.