Ranaway train

As I stood there staring through the stained glass doors, listening to the water slowly drain from the shower floor, I shivered. The subconscious quake of my body wasn't from the meeting of the steamy shower heat and the cool October air. I stood there paralyzed saying silently to myself the words, this is my life. It was an almost questioning voice, trying to believe itself. It was as if I had been sleeping for decades and stumbled across this foreign world that I now felt myself living it, like reality had finally come back from a long summer's hiatus. This wasn't the first time that I had felt this wave of clarity as I reflected back upon the year that had passed like a dream. It all began when I boarded this runaway train that at times invoked the deepest feelings of love, excitement and despair. As much I looked for the closest stop, the train spitefully ran pass the waving crowds gathered at the station, continuing full speed ahead. Its final destination; unknown.

For months I had been hearing the same people tell me the same things. The people ranged from nearest and dearest friends, to strange co-workers who had no clue what was eating away at my heart and my soul. They all uttered some variation of the following cliché phrases like Let the past go, don't dwell, be positive...things will get better. Nothing made my blood boil like hearing the phrase, oh that dreaded phrase, that I knew some self professed wise men would say, "It will get better over time." So, did I suddenly wake up months, or even worse yet years from now with a new spring in my step to suddenly declare that I was finally better? And did I wake up everyday thinking that enough time had passed that all would be right, only be slapped by the reality of my mistakes? At some point, and I can't quite remember when I just stopped listening. Granted I heard the words, nodded my head politely, and forced the words, "I know" out of my mouth each time. But, I wasn't really convinced of what these people were staying. After all, I was the only one there; witnessing, feeling, and experiencing the desperation, when I would spend hours crying on the hard wooden floor of my lonely apartment. I would ask the none existent audience if anyone would care if I laid there for days. Their response; silence. Enough said.

So like most people I imagine that there questions racing through your head regarding what in the world I could be referencing, what could have made my life for the past year such a mess. I can clearly trace it back to one person and one night. It seems rather simple but the story itself is complex and reveals so much about not only myself but people in general. It is amazing sitting on my couch more than a year later reminiscing about what happened and completely recognizing that one decision changed my life forever.

Every little girl imagines themselves falling into a great and deep love. Finally, they wake up lying next to the man that they believe to be their soul mate. I was that girl, ready to walk down the aisle with the man I thought the world of, until...a man I had known as merely a colleague told me he loved me. Looking back I realize now with full clarity that any man can say those words, but the actions that they take to show them are what matter. These were only words that he shared with me, empty and disposable.

Weeks before his own wedding he announced that he had fallen in love with me. What I did next still leaves me waking up at night in a cold sweat with the sting of guilt rising through my stomach and into my aching heart. This is something that I could never allow myself to be forgiven for. I fell in love with another man despite the long term commitment I shared with someone else. For me this new love wasn't just words, but the actions I took spoke for the feelings I shared for this man. Whether it was right or wrong, I did it.

Everything was like a summer storm that passes through a river town. It came and went as quickly was this love would. But like all storms, it felt puddles that take time to dry, the way that love needs time to heal wounded hearts.


What you feel only matters to you, but what you do is the only thing that matters to the people you love.