A (Modern) Modest Proposal

FOR MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE AND ENSURING THE SAFETY OF EVERY AMERICAN:

         As of late, the Homeland Security Advisory System has elevated the Threat of Terror Level to Red (Severely High), and for good reason.  A new enemy has come to the attention of the greatest nation in the history of the world made for the people and by the people.  This enemy doesn’t believe that it needs to abide by the rules set forth by our wonderful country throughout the world with the blood of our fathers, sons and brothers.  They believe that a government can be comprised of one leader reaping all of the benefits of its inferiors, while all of the inferiors toil day in and day out for the good of the people.  The worst part of it is that these enemies can be found anywhere, including golf courses, county parks, shopping malls and yes, even your backyard.  Who is this enemy?  The scum of the world: the bees. 

         Just a few hours ago, a leading Secret Service Agent risked his life in order to save the President from a very dire assassination attempt.  He is in critical condition in Washington D.C., according to Republican Party Leaders.  They also keyed in on the fact that this assassination attempt was not the first and definitely would not be the last.  Inside sources, they claim, have said that the next target of the attack could be any American out there who loves life.  We are all in danger, which is why I am proposing Operation Bee Freedom. 

         Operation Bee Freedom will be a multi-year, costly operation, but the lives of American soldiers and the life savings of the rest of America will be spent for the prosperity of the world.  As you know, the Queen Bee has been reaping the benefits of the Worker Bees for years.  She apparently is better than any other of the female bees in the colony and is the only one fit for breeding.  America believes in a society where every woman has the right to procreate.  We also believe that one woman should be able to take advantage of the guy of her choice and have no repercussions for her actions, but instead be granted the throne of the colony.  Who does the Queen Bee think she is?  It is obvious that we need to do something about this power that has gone straight to her head.

      Democracy is the answer to all of the bee’s problems.  The under-appreciated Worker and Drone Bees aren’t happy now.  After getting swatted with a fly swatter, the bee did not even ask me to spare his life.  Does this sound like a happy bee to you?  It is obvious that the U.S.A. needs to embark on a war to liberate the bees under the Queen’s reign.  The President has been quoted saying “there is no way I, this country, or this world will back down until every bee in the world is liberated from the reign of tyranny.”  He already has sent troops out into the battlefield to combat the problem, and Congress is deciding on its legislation on the Declaration of War later this afternoon. 

    Two worries of war include insufficient weapons and insufficient support.  The President has already taken care of both of these problems.  The troops are being equipped with the most technologically advanced weapons in the world.  The weapon of choice is the BeeGrasp V1 (A.K.A. Yellow-Belly Catcher).  This is a multi-length steel rod whose length can be adjusted with the touch of a button.  At the end is the most durable polymer known to man sagging off of the circular end of the rod.  Although the price tag is $150 Million, it will be worth it when the threat of attacks on American soil is gone from these inhumane animals.    As for a support system, the President has already received pledges from Queen Elizabeth II of England, King Abdullah al-Saud of Saudi Arabia, Emir Sabah Al-Sabah of Kuwait and Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda of Japan that each will submit the subjects of their rule to battle with the Americans.

    All in all, there will be no reason to fear in the near future.  Once the American people have liberated the bees from their tyranny, the United States will be able to install a government that will make the trade of honey between the countries easy. There will be no more threat of terrorism and the world will be a safer place.