Week two assignment - intro to dialogue

With unrealistic dialogue


"Yo Spanky ya' bum. Where the hell are you?" hollared Dave crossing the kitchen as the back door closed behind him.

Walking into the living room, he noted the coffee table askew from the couch, one end of its top littered with a small forest of empty beer cans that had all been felled by whatever force had sent the table reeling. Others lay scattered across the floor. A crushed empty cigarette pack lay next to an overflowing ashtray at the edge of the table closest to the couch, miraculously escaping a tumble over the edge. This doesn't look good.

"Spanky? It's your best friend Dave," he said moving towards the hallway that led to the other end of the house.

He heard a toilet flush on the other side of a wall, then the familiar squeak of the bathroom door as his friend slowly stepped into the hallway, one hand on the wall for support and turned towards him.

Spanky's heartbeat had already begun to drop back towards its normal rate as he bellowed, "Jesus Christ Dave Simmonds. You tryin' to give me a fuckin' heart attack or something???"

"You ok buddy ol' pal?" What went down here last night?"

"Ahh, it's that damned wife of mine I married last June," answered Spanky, squeezing past his friend in the narrow hallway & heading for the kitchen. "C'mon. I'll make us some java using that nice Mr. Coffee you and Marie gave us last year."

"Oh dayum!" winced Spanky, squinting and shielding his eyes as the bright morning sunlight slapped him full in the face. "Grab the half & half from the fridge over there in the corner, a couple of teaspoons from that drawer next to the sink and have a seat," he said, closing the blinds and turning towards the coffee pot. Thank God for coffee machines that turn themselves on in the morning drifted through Spanky's clouded mind as he retrieved two mugs from the cupboard.

Placing the hot cups before each of them he heard Dave ask "What'd she do now?" as he pulled out a chair and wearily dropped into it.

"Bitch friggin' packed up and moved out on me while I was at work yesterday" began Spanky reaching for the half & half. "Left some chickenshit note scratched on the back of an envelope saying 'she was sorry and couldn't face me' or some such crap."

"That's it? I thought you two were getting along great."

"So did I, bro. So did I."

"It's not the first time she's pulled this shit, you know." said Dave stirring sugar into his joe while looking into his friends face but having trouble meeting his eyes. "I don't know why the hell you put up with it."

"She was my first love man, and I hers. Nobody forgets their first" said Spanky. On top of that she still turns heads wherever she goes and fucks like a pornstar."

"Humpffh" snickered Dave, "fucks everybody like a pornstar. The whole town knows it, except for you," then regretted it immediately when he saw the pain in his friends eyes.

"You're my best friend in the fuckin' world Spanky. There ain't no man I'd rather have at my back in a bar fight, but you just keep on letting her kick your feet right out from under you" said Dave. "You've got to stop this shit for your own good man. The bitch may as well shove a bayonet up under your ribs and into your heart every time she pulls this shit for all the damage it does."

Looking up at his friend like a five year old that had just lost his puppy, Spanky said, "I don't know what to tell you man."

"Just don't go taking the whore back the next time she shows up at your door with a couple of suitcases in hand, asshole. You do, and we'll come to blows. I swear it!"

Making eye contact, Spanky replied, "maybe that would be for the best, bro. Seems I can't break these chains by myself."


Narritive only


Dave shook his head slowly side to side while scowling at the pickup parked cockeyed in the driveway and left with the driver's side door open.

Entering the house, he crossed the kitchen as the back door closed behind him.

Walking into the living room, the smell of stale beer and cigarette smoke assailed his nostrils. He noted the coffee table askew from the couch, one end of its top littered with a small forest of empty beer cans that had all been felled by whatever force had sent the table reeling. Others lay scattered across the floor. A crushed empty cigarette pack lay next to an overflowing ashtray at the edge of the table closet to the couch, miraculously escaping a tumble over the edge.

Searching now, Dave moved towards the hallway leading to the bedrooms thinking to find Spanky passed out on one of the beds. He heard a toilet flush on the other side of a wall, then the familiar squeak of the bathroom door as his friend slowly stepped into the hallway, one hand on the wall for support and turned towards him.
Spanky's eyes widened momentarily in shock, long enough for Dave to see how blood shot they were.

Knowing eyes locked as Dave shot a questioning look at his best friend. An imperceptible nod from Spanky was all he needed to confirm that his best friends whore wife had done it to him again.


Done with proper dialogue


"Yo Spanky ya' bum. Where the hell are you?" hollared Dave crossing the kitchen as the back door closed behind him.

Walking into the living room, he noted the coffee table askew from the couch, one end of its top littered with a small forest of empty beer cans that had all been felled by whatever force had sent the table reeling. Others lay scattered across the floor. A crushed empty cigarette pack lay next to an overflowing ashtray at the edge of the table closet to the couch, miraculously escaping a tumble over the edge. This doesn't look good.
"Spanky?" he said moving towards the hallway that led to the other end of the house.
He heard a toilet flush on the other side of a wall, then the familiar squeak of the bathroom door as his friend slowly stepped into the hallway, one hand on the wall for support and turned towards him.
Spanky's heartbeat had already begun to drop back towards its normal rate as he bellowed, "Jesus Christ Dave. You tryin' to give me a fuckin' heart attack or something???"

"You ok buddy?" What went down here last night?"

"Ahh, it's that damned wife of mine" answered Spanky, squeezing past his friend in the narrow hallway & heading for the kitchen. "C'mon. I'll get you some coffee."

"Oh dayum!" winced Spanky, squinting and shielding his eyes as the bright morning sunlight slapped him full in the face. "Grab the half & half, a couple of teaspoons and have a seat," he said, closing the blinds and turning towards the coffee pot. Thank God for coffee machines that turn themselves on in the morning drifted through Spanky's clouded mind as he retrieved two mugs from the cupboard.

Placing the hot cups before each of them he heard Dave ask "What'd she do now?" as he pulled out a chair and wearily dropped into it.

"Bitch friggin' packed up and moved out on me while I was at work yesterday" began Spanky reaching for the half & half. "Left some chickenshit note scratched on the back of an envelope saying 'she was sorry and couldn't face me' or some such crap."

"That's it? I thought you two were getting along great."

"So did I, bro. So did I."

"It's not the first time she's pulled this shit, you know." said Dave stirring sugar into his joe while looking into his friends face but having trouble meeting his eyes. "I don't know why the hell you put up with it."

"She was my first love man, and I hers. Nobody forgets their first" said Spanky. On top of that she still turns heads wherever she goes and fucks like a pornstar."

"Humpffh" snickered Dave, "fucks everybody like a pornstar. The whole town knows it, except for you," then regretted it immediately when he saw the pain in his friends eyes.

"You're my best friend in the fuckin' world Spanky. There ain't no man I'd rather have at my back in a bar fight, but you just keep on letting her kick your feet right out from under you" said Dave. "You've got to stop this shit for your own good man. The bitch may as well shove a bayonet up under your ribs and into your heart every time she pulls this shit for all the damage it does."

Looking up at his friend like a five year old that had just lost his puppy, Spanky said, "I don't know what to tell you man."

"Just don't go taking the whore back the next time she shows up at your door with a couple of suitcases in hand, asshole. You do, and we'll come to blows. I swear it!"

Making eye contact, Spanky replied, "maybe that would be for the best, bro. Seems I can't break these chains by myself."