Intro. to Dialogue - lesson 1 homework

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Chapter one of the novel 'Wind and Flame' by Sonneillon V. This authors dialogue is impressive.

Wherever there is a chance to use a contraction, he does so. The majority of the dialogue tags are simple. Thoughts are italicized and it is through these thoughts that the reader garners a good deal of information that advances the plot. Where the spoken word is used, it conveys much about the current and future relationship between the two characters who seem destined to be traveling companions for at least the foreseeable future (the journey to Calphar will take months).

One of the things I like most is that there are few wasted words. There is a valid reason for every bit of dialogue.

Salvania Ch. One: Unexpected Troubles  (E) it is the introduction to the land of Salvania #1380101 by K. R. Davis

'Salvania: Unexpected Troubles' Chapter one by Carolina Rose is another example of good dialogue. In the first four paragraphs - a mere 140 words - the reader knows that a couple is about to embark on a long, dangerous journey and that the visibly pregnant wife is agonizing over it while the doting husband calmly tries to reassure her that all will go smoothly. With the exception of an eight word sentence that stated she was 'clearly pregnant', all of that information was given the reader through dialogue.

The balance of the story is more of the same. The reader learns that the couple are the king and queen and that the royal entourage has stopped at a waypoint on an already long journey which at least in part has caused her health to fail drastically. Additionally, there is a prince (old enough to wear a military uniform though this tidbit is not told with dialogue) who can at times be immature, that there may be some political plotting going on, that the party may be attacked at any time, and that the King and Queen have some type of 'powers'.

The author makes good use of contractions, and while the dialog tags are somewhat bolder than those used in 'Wind and Flame', they are justified.

Being fairly inexperienced in actually writing dialogue, I can offer no suggestions that would improve it in either of the two stories above.

The following two stories are examples of bad dialogue.

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The dialogue in 'Vanillaglow' by GA1R needs a lot of work.

The dialogue tags are many and varied, the majority of them overdone. Screeched, shrieked, replied, announced, pleaded, and commented, are some of them.

The fourth paragraph is the best example of overlong dialogue all of which is nothing more than a HUGE info-dump.

The characters all sound alike. I chose not to say they spoke unrealistically only because this occurs on another planet - perhaps everyone speaks like that.

Approx. paragraph 34 (difficult to get an accurate count) - The one that starts "Let's go in this establishment..." The fourth sentence reads - Center of attention he thought to himself. No quotes, italics, nothing.

To be quite honest I couldn't suffer through much beyond that point.

This basically needs a complete rewrite to improve it. The author needs to first get rid of a good 85% of the exaggerated tags, replacing them with said or minor variations thereof.

Any long passages of dialogue/infodumps need to have another character in the scene so discussion may occur. Interactive dialogue would then be used to impart information in pertinent chunks.

For example, at the beginning of paragraph four, the author already has another character in the scene (Moonbeam) but after having her make a brief statement in the previous paragraph he's chosen to leave her mute/invisible. Were he to bring her back and have Vanillaglow berating her through dialogue, it might look something like this:

"Moonbeam, you're such an obnoxious, self-conscious little witch!" Vanillaglow said loudly. "Oh how I wish I had anyone else for a little sister."

"You're just jealous 'cuz I'm mom's favorite," pouted the younger of the two, "And I can't help it that I'm worried about what might happen to me now with father on his deathbed because of yet another stupid war. ..."

"Just go away Moon. I have to concern myself with the Goblin problem right now." said Vanillaglow dismissively. That and getting ready for this fool contest tonight, she thought turning towards her armoire.

Were the author to do something like the above throughout the chapter, the story would be a much easier read.

He need now only ensure he handles characters thoughts correctly by italicizing them.

Special: Chaper 4, New World  (E) The girls finally get to se some answers and finnally see the world from a new way. #1379835 by Mich Wolf

'Special: Chapter 4, New World by Mich Wolf also has dialogue problems.

Throughout the story certain characters engage in conversation without the author actually stating that it is they who spoke. It is implied but left up to the reader to confirm it. This makes for a confusing oft interrupted read.

All of the characters sound enough alike to further add to the confusion. Of the two girls, the protag. (her name is not mentioned) tends at times to begin her speech with 'Err' when she's confused. "Err, B, you might want to brace yourself, this could be rough."

In the next to the last paragraph, she wonders 'What kind of adventures are waiting for us'. This should be italicized, not quoted.

The first thing this author needs to do is pick out each instance where it's unclear who's doing the speaking and clarify it. For example, paragraphs three through ten currently read:

The woman from earlier came up to me and put her hand on my shoulder, smiling at me.
“We’re here”
I look around again
“I can’t see it”
The woman then takes off her hat to reveal her short but dark blue hair, sliding her hands though her hair, she looks back at me.
“We’re standing on it”
I look down, and we’re standing on a sandpit, I look up at the woman and she shrugs.
“It’s the closest gate and the quickest”

'The woman from earlier' needs to be replaced with that person's name. Unfortunately, it's not given anywhere in this chapter so for the purposes of the assignment, I'll refer to her as Jo Jo. After an edit, that passage might look something like this:

Jo Jo put her hand on my shoulder looking down at me smiling and said, "We're here."
"I don't see anything." I said looking around, expecting to see something obvious.
“We’re standing on it," she stated hat in hand while combing her fingers through short, dark blue hair, "It's the closest, quickest gate."
Looking at my feet, I realize we're all standing in a sandpit.

Were the author to clarify and tighten up the rest of the chapter in this manner it would make for a much better read. This would address the majority of the dialogue problems and in the process, make each character easier to differentiate from the others.

They then need only remove any instances of the protagonist beginning her dialogue with 'Err' or variations thereof and omit the quotes around the thought ‘What kind of adventures are waiting for us’, replacing the sentence in italics.