As I Wait

As I write I look out of the window wondering if there is anyone out there. Anyone like me. Someone who feels what I go through. His breath is deep and powerful. One creak and he might stir. Should I go on or is it too much of a risk? How can I live knowing what he did. That monster. He robbed me.

That night is as bright as day in my mind. Did my mother do anything to save me, to help me? No. He came into my room, my sanctuary. He was mad over his problem at work. Like I paid any attention. I was in a corner, huddled with my book, immersed in its pages. I jumped when he grabbed it away. The clock read 8:49, the time engraved in my mind. My mother was in the other room. No, she isn't my mother. What kind of mother would let their child suffer like that. She is just a stranger in my house, in my life.

He was close to me, too close. His breath tingled down my spine. What is he doing? He started to touch me. Rubbing his fingers along my leg, sliding up slowly. Just the thought of it makes me shiver. Why won't he stop? STOP, my mind cries out, STOP. But he doesn't.

What he did to me that night and the next and the next is what the law calls rape. I don't know what to think of it. He took away my innocence. He made me feel dirty, guilty, like it was my fault. Was it? I let him. I let him do it to me. I should have stopped him, but I didn't.

I didn't.

How many times I lay there, wondering, what is the point of life? Is this my purpose, to serve this monster. No, I won't accept that. How can I end the hurt? How can I stop the pain inside me? I know. I'll give up. Give up on everything. Life, friends, him, everything. That's it. I'm done. No more.

No more.