Thinking to myself

As I sat down to write this, I first had to check my e-mail. I wanted to see if anyone had responded to my Craig's list ad or if I had a new message from Fling.com. You see I had to know if there was any chance that I could get laid soon.

I'm not going to lie, I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm a man with needs. Sex is one of those needs. What I'm finding now is that, sex, that particular need is loosing it's strength. I'm not reducing into homosexuality, I'm not loosing my desire for women, I no longer have a desire for the fake world we live in, and along with it is my desire for the people that it has manufactured over the last one hundred years. Why would I seek partnership with someone fake, someone who's not self aware enough to be able to look in the mirror and not immediately see all the flaws that others see.

I took some time and gave myself a long look in the mirror, and you know what? Sure as shit, I realized that I'm good looking, that I'm handsome and dare I say it sexy. It was an entirely new thing for me, all my life I'd been ridiculed and exiled, such is the cruelty of young children, the entire time growing up it was that I did not look good enough, that I was fat, my clothes were not the right brand, my hair was oddly cut, or the religion my family and I were involved with was different and weird. I didn't choose to be brought up a Jehovah's Witness, I was born into it.

So wile I valiantly stand up with courage against my class of peers and defended my church against clams of "if you don't celebrate Christmas, you don't believe in Jesus" and the like, slowly the sickness grew. A cancer of the mind, nothing physical, all mental. As fate would have it I was home schooled for sixth grade, and upon my return to the public school in 7th grade I found a new world, some of the same people from my elementary school days, but a new world with new rules and new ways of poisoning my mind. The ridicule and teasing I endured in fourth grade and on got much more serious as we were beginning to come of age. The onset of puberty and the realization that girls are something good to look at, came with a high scrutiny of myself. Suddenly I began to feel worthless and somehow less of a human, simply because I didn't wear Abercombie, I didn't follow sports, I didn't have a six pack of abs, and the right haircut.

Such is the cruelty of teenagers. I would like to take the time right now to thank each and every one of my friends who has joined, at one time or another, the inner cicrle of friends we at one time called "The Family". Christin, Tommy, Dan, Tony, Rob, Paul, Emily, Leann, Melissa, Lina, Jen, Ben T. and Ben R., little Danny who's not so little anymore, Lanny, Cholo, Brian D. from Lost Melodys, Trent, Ruben, and Justin. Thank you all so much for being who you are and more importantly being in my life.

Now you're asking where the fuck is he going with all this, what I'm getting at is you people in your own way have effected my life and me in several ways, most important to me is, you befriended a guy who was so down on himself he didn't see what it was that all you saw in him. I'm not sure if I do yet but I think I'm beginning to see it.

I am, and have been un-plugged from this world since birth. I have always known the flaws of the religious institution, the lies and hurt it spreads. I know that the Gov is overseen by greedy men who get their money from the businesses they craft wars, and laws for. If you've ever wondered why there's so many loopholes in our justice system, it's because the rich need a way out, without paying the full price.

At this point I don't think any of this can be strung together but bear with me, the words are flowing out of my head like an open wound.

We are all humans, we are all living creatures on this planet. Yet this is not something we teach our children, I know it's not what I was taught. In our quest through childhood we are given the task of discerning what is different about us, how it is that we can tell each other apart, height, weight, age, sex, color, language, status, income, and we treat those people according to how we are different. Differences become the key, then suddenly differences were something to hide behind, to form a "unique" identity. Because being the same as someone else isn't good, so we care about differences, and we dislike similarities like we all bleed, poop, breathe, eat, laugh, love, cry, and hate. These commonalities along with we share the earth, the sky, the water, are not enough for us to care about someone else, with all this we somehow need to care only for ourself and our families.

"Why must we kill our own kind?" - System of a Down

Money, power, religion, material things, these are all somehow worth the cost of human lives. These are all things we want so bad we have killed, are killing, and without action now, keep killing until we get to the end. Humans are somehow cheap, easily surmiseable by the clothes they wear.

Such is the cruelty of the modern man.