If Only I Were Whole

This piece was written many years ago. I found it while packing up a bunch of old boxes and decided to put it in my portfolio. A few minor changes have been made.

It is not indicative of my current frame of mind, but it does give insight into how a younger me once felt. It may even be considered a sort of precursor to my piece "Lost Love and the Dagger", although they took place over a decade apart. Anyway, feel free to read this, and let me know what you think. Thank you.


Time is not the only constant in my life. There also exists a hole that has never truly been filled. Plenty of the fault lies within my own consciousness. I often find myself in a state of mental paralysis. I know what I want, yet failure takes hold quickly due to lack of motivation. The hole I speak of, is the absence of someone to share feelings, happiness, and love. My life has never included a person that held the key to my happiness.

I've had few chances at reaching a level of contentment, only to spiral further down into the recesses of misery. Though I may joke, laugh, and convey a sense of well being, nothing is further from the truth. Creating laughter for others is my way of coping. The sound of people laughing as a result of my humor is a temporary desensitization of the pain and emptiness I feel inside.

I work hard to mask my true feelings. I often wonder if there is something wrong with me. Truthfully, I would rank myself as one of the nicest, gentlest souls. I know I come across as a negative and mean spirited person quite often. The fact is, negative emotions cling to my inner being like a scared child on its mother's legs while optimism evades me like the proverbial brass ring.

Love is so hard for me to deal with outside of my family circle. I have so much love built up inside that it scares me. The chance to give it to someone who would not only accept it but return it fully is something that up to this point has been just a dream. Each passing day subtracts more time for me to share the love I have.

It is sad that being alone has become comfortable and acceptable. It's all I've ever known. I have nothing else to compare it to. There is one thing I have done many times to help relieve some of the miserable moments. The simple act of shedding tears has become my outlet. It is often thought by the male half of the human race, that public crying somehow diminishes their masculinity. I find that to be false yet I still find myself weeping in private more often than not. One of the best ways I have found is to stand in a downpour. No one sees the tears when you're crying in the rain.

I need to break the chains of complacency and strive to find that special someone that would occupy the void in my heart. Alas, that is easier said than done. My track record speaks for itself. Fear of rejection all too often overpowers my will to pursue happiness. My walls are very high and not easily scaled. I need help breaking them down and to be loved for who I am.

It would be hard to change myself into how someone thinks I should be. I am what I am. I hope someday I can taste the sweet fruit of togetherness instead of continuing to swallow the bitter pill of loneliness. I have bathed in emotional turmoil long enough.

...If only I were whole.