I want to be a....

I want to be a....... firefighter, cook, janitor, supermodel, black man, mover, deli boy, actor, musician, dancing queen, superhero, writer, student, police officer, teacher, animal, superstar dj, transvestite, truck driver, go-go boy, man of mystery, woman, asshole, cartoonist, scientist, preacher, president, manager, director, school official, drama queen, immigrant, soccer player, slut, gay midget, food taster, papa patrol, salesman, stoner, sexaholic, surfer, manic depressant, cheerleader, war hero, gym teacher, guidance counselor, singer, mime, billionaire






Close your eyes...

Well not really, then you wouldn't be able to see what I'm trying to tell you. Once I finish I'll allow you to close them to take in the immensity of my situation.

So, picture this.........

You are at the height of your career. You've just recently become a household name, after doing, like, a million commercials is what it seems like. Every fucking product you could endorse, you did. A bleach for your asshole? A conditioner made from bull semen? Been there and did that ages ago, but I didn't actually use the product. Let the masses try them, and well, if it takes off then so shall I.

But anywho.

Back to reality.

Your agent who had been riding your sorry excuse of an fucking ass for half a year threatening to drop you every second is now raving about you. She couldn't get the taste of you out of her mouth even if she gargled with that product you endorsed "the worlds most powerful mouthwash (sadly pulled off the shelf because it contained hydrofluoric which caused peoples mouths to corrode)." Your friends simply love you, that is, they are envious but they would never tell you. But more people hate you than anything, but nobody must know because everyone is to busy loving you.

CNN and mothers across America are calling you outrageous and screaming for all endorsements to be pulled. When this happens you know you are big. You are bigger than fucking Oprah, everything you touch turns to gold. You've reached the skinniest you've ever been thanks to this new found diet you've been on for the last seven days. Only having eaten the inside lining of your stomach.

Now....

Take all this in....

Close your eyes a moment and then reopen them.

Now imagine all this going to shit....

Close your eyes once more.....

Thats it....

You are driving eighty in an thirty-five in your brand new, free, BMW convertible. You've just run a red light, in this age red always means green. A whole bottle of the best bottle of vodka twenty bucks could buy lies within you. No, don't worry, you haven't been popping any pills, druggies are so 90's. This is what made you do all those "Say no to drugs" campaigns.

In your convertible is two, yourself and the puddle of vomit in the passenger seat. As the cars interior lights up, it glares its dark yellow eyes at you. That's probably your piss, seeing how you haven't shit in five days and pissed in two.

So, you wonder what’s lying beyond the red light and what's lighting up the inside of my car. Well Bob it's a brand new car! It's a Toyota Tundra 2006, black exterior, leather interior,

Face meet window.

You've met before, once.

So let's push on through.

Suddenly everything is shit. At that exact moment you crash, stations pull your commercials, endorsement deals are canceled. Kids are saying yes to drugs, the masses assholes will go brown still. No more does anyone want to be you, no one even admits to knowing you.

Fabulous!

Chapter One
A Drag Queen


At one point in my life I really needed the cash. I think I had about fifty dollars to my name, my rent was two months late, though I worked out a deal with the landlord sadly it involved sexual relations, and then there was my car. I had thought my life was peachy, I was making plenty of money to afford my brand new beamer, the car of my dreams. But you know I didn’t fully comprehend the expression “shit happens” or the less vulgar “compost happens” until my dike (she drove a truck and had a mans haircut [bitch]) boss came up to me and decided that I was the one to go. I hadn’t saved a single cent of my earnings, most of which went to the apartment as well as eating out about three times a day and then the cleaning lady, which she was probably a huge help into me being cleaned out right now, irony at its best. So yeah, now I hide my car every night in fear that tow trucks will wisk my dreams away. Everywhere I go I have to find a place to park at least five blocks away from where I am headed to, I think of it as an adventure, a grown-up version of hide and seek.
So that’s how it all began. One of my adventures led me past a rundown gay club, a sign out front advertising drag contests every other Wednesday with a top prize of five hundred dollars. Upon seeing this I thought to myself “Why the hell not? You are doing worse.” So that day I went down to a local thrift store to find an outfit. When searching thru the women’s section in a thrift store you wouldn’t expect people there to judge you, I would have understood had I been in Saks or some other high end store, I didn’t expect to be judged by those people in the thrift store, hell I had more right to judge them than me. Funny story, a guy is shopping thru the women’s department in a thrift store just minding his own business intent on finding the perfect gown for his first ever (actually one of his first, like how you tell a chick with really huge tits that she is your first so she won’t complain about how bad you are) appearance when this kid tries to talk to you, asking if you are looking for a dress for your girlfriend, when his mom walks up beside him and pulls hard on his right arm, she says nothing to you, she glances back while walking away, it’s the look of disgust. She moves two aisles away, weird thing thrift stores are really quiet like everyone realizes these clothes belonged to the recently departed and that they should be respected, she bends down to the kid and tells him specifically not to go near that man that he could steal him away and do nasty things to him. So there I am getting these looks of disgust from all walks of lowlife scum and I see an Asian influenced dress. Now this was before that whole Memoirs of a Geisha shit, though I did love the movie but never had the time to read the book, I’m sure a million people would tell me the book is oh so much better. If I had been Asian living in World War II and a geisha that movie would have totally been about me. But hopefully when I’m done with my story someone will want to make a production out of it, Memoirs of a Drag Queen and no it wouldn’t be a movie, it would be a Broadway Musical and yours truly would be played by Mark Indelicato though in like ten years. Sooooo……… where was I……… oh yes, so there I am standing in the good ole’ thrift store staring at an Asian influenced dress that somewhat resembles a kimono but with the cheap American imitation influence grasping it, its one of those things that if anyone besides an Asian put it on they wouldn’t look entirely stupid. Well I simply decide I must have it despite the price I just know this will help me win the show and that $500 would be mine. Well I take it up to the front and explain that my wife was dying and she had a dress just like it and it would be a nice gift for her, ugh, gag me with a spoon who would believe this bullshit, but not to my surprise the cashier bought it and apologized for my wife, as if she was acting a fool or something. But yeah, God must have really had a plan for me because apparently at the thrift store they have sales like regular stores, who woulda thunk-it, its like the cheap and hideous clothes get even cheaper! It was green day or some shit meaning it was half off so it only came out to like $7.50