Dear Ryan

Title: Dear Ryan.
Author: FDQ.
Distribution: Anywhere you want as long as you ask me.
Warning: Contains a little profanity and references to homosexuality.


Dear Ryan,
I’m writing you this letter now to let you know my true feelings. To be quite honest then I didn’t know how I felt until the day you moved away. Until I couldn’t see you anymore. I realized how much I actually cared about you. How much I miss you.

You were the best friend a guy could ever have and I’m proud to have called you my friend for all those years. It just kills me that we were on less good terms when you left. I hope you know that I never hated you! In case you did believe that then you know now. And I’m sorry for being the asshole I was back then.

All the mean things I’ve said to you and done to you through the years. I hope you can forgive me some day. Then I might be able to forgive myself. Although I may not deserve your forgiveness.

I was hoping for a second chance to make up for my mistakes, but the day never came and now you’re not there anymore. I can’t tell you face to face how sorry I am. That’s because of more reasons than one to be honest.

First of all, we’re in two different parts of the country. Secondly… I wouldn’t be able to look into your eyes.

I need to tell you this, Ryan. I’ve liked you ever since the first day we met each other almost seven years ago. There has always been something special about you. I was never able to tell what it was. I thought it was only because that was just the way you were. That everybody felt that way about you.

I tried for years to figure out what the hell it could be, but I just ended up ignoring it. All I knew was that you were my best friend and I loved you like you were my older brother. At least that was what I thought… until now.

Now that were away from each other I’ve finally been able to put a finger on what it was about you. You may not believe it but I need to tell you. I don’t know how you will react to this…

I had fallen in love with you.

I couldn’t help it. You were there every day. My best friend. Everyone knows that you are a good-looking guy and have a great body, but that isn’t what I am attracted to. What makes me love you is your personality. Your ability to make me smile even when no one else could!

When I’m sitting here alone in my living room I’m thinking about what you could be doing at this very moment. Traveling? Resting? Smiling? Pouting? Maybe even crying? What do I know? I will probably never know anyway.

All I know is that I miss you so damn much! There’s a big empty hole inside of me. Only you can fill it.

When you moved away I thought I would be able to fix my marriage. I’m nearing the big thirty and I was desperate to stay with my wife. I thought the separation from her was making me feel miserable. I was wrong. It was the fact that I didn’t face my feelings for you! I ignored them. And look where it brought me.

When I look back I can remember a few occasions when I actually discovered little things about myself I never knew. I remember one night when I was sleeping over at your place. I found myself observing you while you slept, thinking how it would feel to be with another guy. To be with you! I instantly pushed those thoughts away. I thought it was only natural for guys to be curious.

It wasn’t the only time I had, I guess, I can call them fantasies about you. You probably think I sound perverted now and maybe I am, but then that’s how I am and I can’t change it no matter how hard I try!

Anyway… why would you even wanna read about all this shit? After how I treated you? I only deserve to be miserable! Besides, you’ve got your own family and you deserve to be happy with them. I don’t wanna be the cause of your tears anymore.

I just had to tell you that I love you! It’s a strange feeling and I’m afraid it will never change. I don’t want it to change. I want to be able to see how wonderful you really are! I just wish you could see the same in me…

You are all I really ever wanted and at the same time you are all I can never have. Reaching out for something I can never touch. Something I will never be able to taste. And it’s breaking my heart. Why does love have to be so complicated? So unfair?

I just hope whatever happens in the future… whatever paths destiny will lead us down, that you’ll at least remember me for the good things instead of the bad. I know I sure as hell won’t ever forget you!

You will always have a special spot in my broken heart. Don’t ever forget that. No matter what happens I will always love you…


Sincerely,
Scott.