Tears

Just a note: the "i"'s in this are supposed to be lower case, they are not typos, rather part of the story.  Please feel free to let me know of any other corrections you might see.  Thank you for reading.




Earlier this week you reached for me, played with me.  Later you asked why i was crying.  i gave you the only answer i could at the time:  Pain and pleasure.  i felt the answer was not enough and you were displeased with me.  There is more and i will attempt to share it with you.  What i could not express that night i can now, and the reason why.

The tears that night were good tears.  Tears i needed to shed. Yes tears of pain and pleasure, but also tears of so much more.  Tears needed to release emotions bottled up and held back.  Tears needed to express the joy and happiness of being with you and used by you.  Tears needed to wash the heartache and emptiness from my heart and soul.

Cleansing tears relieving all that was pent up and needed an outlet; tears of joy and gratitude, tears of release, setting me free to fly and take you with me. Tears to show how much you mean to me and how i value your love and attention, your kindness, strength and solidarity.  Good tears requesting the touch of your hand, your caress, your words of praise and acceptance.


But the tears of last night were tears you would not want to see, tears of pain and heartache, tears flooding and sweeping away all that is good and wholesome, tears that destroyed all the beauty in my heart and soul leaving behind a wasteland.

When emotions and feelings flood and overwhelm me it is hard to understand, even for me, what is going on. The power of feeling is so strong i cannot hear the thoughts, cannot speak the words that express those feelings. It feels like having the wind knocked out of you; a hard fall that steals the very breath needed to cry out from your lungs and body.  As with such a hard fall, it takes time for breath to return and the experience to fade somewhat so one can speak of what happened.

i know the frustration of being with one who is going through such an experience.  i know how it feels to want to do something, to help, and yet unable to do anything because i don't know what or why.  All i can do is be there, hold a hand, or hold them, until the flood passes.  Soothing sounds and soft spoken words reassuring them they are not alone is all i can offer at times like that.  A simple caress, stroking hair, rubbing a back, a gentle hand wiping away the tears are all i can do until it passes.

i know to do these things because those are the things i desire when i am the one being flooded.  More often than not though i find myself ignored or just left alone to weather the flood as best i can. If no one cares enough to be there, hold me, reassure me, then how am i to find the hope, the wish, to continue.  There is only darkness, a darkness, which magnifies the pain and solitude, the aloneness.  If no one else cares about me, why should i? While not as damaging as harsh words or demanding interrogation, nevertheless it too is damaging.

Words, demands, questions are as hurtful and often do much more damage.  They demand things i cannot give and leave me feeling unworthy and a failure.  When answers and words do not come then frustration and anger turn that person away leaving me to wonder why i am around and why i should stay if all i give is pain and anger.  If i force the words and they come, they do not come the way they should and mean nothing of what they intend; but they are taken, usually at face value and again cause pain, anger or frustration pushing the asker away.  So once again i ask myself why i am here, why i stay.

Unlike many who go through times like this finding strength to change the path they tread and move on; i simply want to go to sleep and never wake because i have tried to move on and only found more of the same.  Where others have hope and light to guide them, i have only darkness and despair.  i can light a candle in the darkness of others.  i can help them to find the hope they need to go on.  i can heal and mend and encourage others who walk the path i walk; but i can do none of this for me, and i have no idea why.

i sit here now, numb and feeling nothing.  A condition i slowly found as i drove home last night, a condition i enforce by doing nothing and refusing to think.  i am scared to let go and reach out.  my door is locked and i avoid everyone because i have not the strength to face them and keep the feelings and emotions locked away.  The wall i built around my feelings last night as i drove is still very fragile and should it burst i am afraid, fearing what i might do or say.

Those around me do not deserve to share my pain and anguish, do not deserve the anger my pain will drive me to lash out with; do not deserve the sorrow and helplessness my anguish would lead them to feel.  So i remain locked away.