Closure

July 26, 2006
I told Emily to just stay along the coast.  I stared out the window, looking at the water. It seemed to go on endlessly. Sarah MacLachlan was playing softly in the tape player.
"So, how are you gonna know where to stop?" Emily asked.
"She'll tell me. We're close, I can feel it," I replied, holding on tightly to my bag. 
We kept driving, silent again. Then up ahead, on the right, there was a ledge that jutted out slightly farther than the rest of the land.  The way the sun was setting on the water there was a pathway that appeared to lead across the deep blue, landing on the exact ledge. This was it.
"Here! Here it is! Pull over, pull over." I said.
I gave my backpack a squeeze, as Emily pulled over on the shoulder.  I hopped out, and began walking to the spot, nervously twisting the ring on my middle finger.  Emily came up behind me.
"So, this is it, yeah? You sure?" she asked. 
I set the backpack on the ground and opened it. I carefully pulled out a golden urn. I sat on the ground and held it close to my chest.  I closed my eyes, and began rocking back and forth.
"Tyrie, honey, I know this is it. This is where you want me to go. We've been through quite a bit to get here, but we finally did it." 
I opened the urn looking at my sister's ashes.  It was such a strange feeling. I never thought that I would be here. Not like this. I never thought that I'd have to go through life without my best friend.  She was always there for me, always believed in me when nobody else would.  I never believed that such a strong connection could be broken.
Tears began streaming down my face, burning my skin. I became angry again.
"It's not fair, Tyrie. It's not fucking fair. It's not fucking fair that you're gone.  We still have so much to do! We were supposed to grow old together! We were supposed to fucking DIE on the same day!  He killed you, he killed you and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it!  Why didn’t you leave? I want you back!  I want you back!" 
I stood up, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. It resonated around me, and lingered in my ears for a moment.  So many emotions rushed through me--Anger, sadness, vengefulness, complete fear, total confusion. What was I going to do? She was gone, and she was what kept me sane. She was my blood, my heart, my other half. She was taken away from me, betrayed by someone she thought she loved. I felt hollow. Something was missing. I could feel myself unraveling with each day that passed since her death. It had already been one year. I knew that I needed to find some sense of closure so that I could go on with my life.
Her face was now tattooed on my right shoulder blade, I kept a couple of her belongings, but these things did not help me cope with her absence, only helped me to remember her presence. So, I decided that I would stop doing things for myself, and instead, do something for her. She always talked about how she wanted to eventually come back to California and live there, but she never had the chance. She was still stuck in Michigan with the rest of us, and had 3 children. So I felt it was my duty to fulfill that last wish for her.
My parents were blatantly against it. They didn't want me going to California by myself to perform such a 'whimisical act that won't solve a damn thing' and told me not to go. But I was already set, and had already bought the plane ticket, and arranged to stay with a friend. Not a single person would change my mind. On the last day at my parents, I left while they were still asleep, grabbed the urn and hopped on a 7AM plane to Sacramento, California. Because of my defiance, we're not on speaking terms right now. However, I could care less about that minor setback at present. I had a job to do, and I was going to fulfill it.  But now it didn't seem like the open-and-shut case I thought it would be.
"I'm not built for this!!" I yelled into the sky.
"I'm sick of hating, of crying, of doubting, of dying inside!"  I dropped to my knees, and Emily tried to help me up.  I pushed her away. Slowly, I picked up the urn and held it close again. I took three deep breaths.  It was beginning to get dark.
"I'm tired, babe," I said, my eyes closed tight.  "I want to give up, but I know I should hold on. I wish I had a sign so I know that it's gonna be easier."
I twisted the ring around my finger again…her ring. And I smiled.
"You know I can't let you go completely." I went silent again, looking out at the water as the sun set, and moon began to shine. It was a clear night, not a single cloud in the sky. I thought back to the times back home when we would go downtown to the corner store on Main Street, and the music store around the corner. I took piano lessons, while she played the flute. I thought about our trips to the mall, the first time she let me have some of her cocktail, her late night trip to my University to give me some cash for birth control. We finished each other’s sentences. Numerous times, one of us would call and the other would say, "God, I was just about pick up the phone and call you!"
After some time, Emily spoke.
"Alyce? Are you alright?" she asked.
I nodded.  Then I stood up, and walked a little closer to the edge.
"I've got...19 years of great memories...your face on my right shoulder, and 3 wonderful children to remember you by. God, I was so lucky to have someone like you. Look, just, save a spot for me, would ya?"  I kissed the urn, and emptied it out, watching the ashes fall swiftly to the placid water below.  I tossed the urn into the water. It was done.  I wiped my eyes, picked up my backpack, and headed back to the car.
As Emily and I were driving back, she looked at me. I was starting straight ahead at the road, thinking about all the things I would experience after this. And I realized that although there would be no physical presence, Tyrie would be with me every step of the way.
"You know, not to sound cliche--" Emily began.
"I know," I nodded. "Everything's gonna be okay."