My Political Campaign

I'm running for mayor of my city. I never knew the hard work which goes into a political campaign. Advisors, strategists, pollsters, spin doctors, volunteers, it takes a lot to get a campaign rolling.


Well so far I'm pleased to announce that we've been running a clean campaign focusing on the issues at hand. Minimum wage, school funding, the new ballpark we're trying to pass; things have been moving forward in a positive manner.


My opponent would have you think otherwise. I refuse to get into the mudslinging, 'turn attention away from my own failures' type of campaign. However, I must address some of these accusations.

Once, when I was eighteen, I did try marijuana. It was for medicinal purposes as I thought I was suffering from glaucoma. Turns out, I was just drunk.


When I was pictured in the Times two weeks ago wearing what appeared to be a Nazi uniform, I can explain. This was taken at a costume party twelve years ago and I was going through a "phase". I want the record to show that I am not a Nazi, and that I feel the holocaust was not good.


It is true that I was convicted of statutory rape when I was nineteen. The girl at the time was sixteen. However, she ended up becoming my wife, despite the misgivings her father has about me.


I have never, ever, pushed an old lady down and stolen her walker. I once told my grandmother to "go suck an egg". But I was young and she told me to clean up my room so she kind of deserved it. I also must confess, yesterday an old lady cut me off in traffic and I gave her the finger.


Embezzlement is kind of a strong word don't you think? I would say I "appropriated" funds.


I honestly did not know it was against the law to hire illegal aliens. Like I said, running a campaign is tough work.


I did NOT egg my opponent's house, contrary to what she would have you think.


I did get pulled over and arrested for driving on a revoked license. That was a mistake and I apologize. But man, that was a wicked ass GWAR concert.


Come on, everyone has tried to make crystal-meth out of their basement.


Yes, I know, parents who host lose the most. I get it now.


In conclusion I would like to say, that while some of these accusations may be true, do not let them influence your vote. I am the right candidate for the job and come election night I am certain we will be victorious.


I would also like to say that my opponent is a lying cunt douchebag who throws babies on spikes. She also believes in late term abortions and wipes her ass with the American flag. Good night.