In My Mind's Eye

April 25th 2006

In My Mind's Eye

I know what you're doing, I can practically see it, in my mind's eye.
I know how it began and I know how it will end.

She came to your door, probably smiling, happy to see you again. ( I know I would be.) She was dressed to the nines. She was a vision of beauty wasn't she? Did she kiss yo on the cheek as you let her in, or did she refuse to meet your eye? Nevermind, don't tell me, both scenarios are emblazened on my mind's eye.

The two of you went back to your room, her scent filling you with desire and longing. I can almost feel your pulse quicken. Whatever she did she must have done right, because you decided to get back together. Tomorrow you will tell me that you are sorry if you hurt me. It wasn't anything you intended to do. You tried not to lead me on.

You won't tell me how you kissed her with even more passion than you kissed me the other night. You won't tell me how good it felt to have her back in your arms where she belongs. Not that it will matter much, it is all there, burned into my mind's eye.

I already know how you will have pledged your undying love for her as she lay there next to you, so beautiful. I already know there will be marks on your back from the moment of ecstacy when her nails carved deep lines into your flesh and she called out your name. The moment you knew your world was as it should be, and because your world is right, mine is too. At least that is what I will tell you.

Will you hear the pain in my voice as I lie to you? Will you see in my eyes the truth I will try to keep from you? For you will never hear my lips say the words my heart is screaming.

IT SHOULD BE ME!!!!

But I won't tell you that. I won't tell you that my heart has been reduced to a fine powder at your feet. I won't let you see my pain as I try to understand why. Why her and not me? What crime have I committed so great? I know I don't deserve you, but neither does she! And at least I would love you! I would treat you like the Ebony King you are. But I will never say it aloud.

Though my jealousy eats away at my soul the way cancer eats at a body, I will not tell you she will only hurt you again. I will not, because I envy her, and my opinion of her is biased. I hate her for the opporitunity she has been given. To be held in your arms and hear you whisper sweet words of love. I would give my life, and soul to be her for one night. To hear you whisper you love me-- even hearing her name at the end of the statement, I would gladly remove my own heart from my chest and I would do it with a smile.

But you will never know. NO! I will never speak these words to you. I will remain, in your eyes a faithful, devoted friend, nothing more.

But in my mind's eye, I can still see us together.