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Rated: 13+ · Other · Other · #1255808
This is what my contest entry would look like with punctuation.
You would think that being in the good old days would mean much less chance at being pulled over for a DUI, but let me tell you, that is a misconception that the press tries to sell you. So what if there were no cars back then? That didn’t stop me from successfully driving a pig drunk. Yes, a pig drunk. I would have taken the horse out for a spin instead, but my son had taken it out for the opera, so I was stuck with the pig. Now, you may think that pigs are easy to drive, but that’s a lie. They’re surprisingly hard. Especially since the pig I was on was only two feet tall and was missing a leg. It being blind probably didn’t help either.

I took the pig out with the intentions of going to the new outlet mall (I know, they probably didn’t exist back then, but prove me wrong) but I got pulled over by a man riding a horse who said he was placing me under citizen’s arrest. Well, naturally I was pissed so I went to the brewery and drank my sorrows away.

Turns out I had a hearing the next day because apparently citizens’ arrest is a serious crime. That was news to me.

I arrived at the hearing completely and utterly smashed, and the judge just stared at me as I wobbled into the courtroom. He was baffled how I had the courage to walk in not only drunk, but also wearing nothing but a parka. I told him I wasn’t drunk, he was the one who was drunk, but that didn’t work as well as I had hoped it would. The almighty judge had me sit down at the table and plead my case. He also told me to try and explain how I had come to a DUI hearing drunk. I calmly explained to him that I wasn’t as think as he drunk I was, but that little comment only set me back. I tried to explain that driving a pig drunk should not be considered a crime, but rather it should be commended, because who in their right mind tries to drive a pig to an outlet mall? Seriously.

The judge sympathized with me and told me that if I would put some damn pants on and promise never to drink and drive a pig again, he wouldn’t sentence me to jail time and only make me do community service for a few years, which is where I will leave you now because I have to go make the world a better place by scrapping horse crap off the roads.
© Copyright 2007 Danny Boogs (d-backsrule at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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