The Editor's Note #3

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the newest episode of:
         THE COLUMN!

         Frankly, people, I’m very disappointed in you. I say that I need you to send me things to put in at [e-mail], and, get this, NOBODY HAS! Come on! I need some material over here! To punish you, I will write another column. No use complaining! You asked for it!

         I will take a permanent recess from car insurance, because I don’t think I can stomach any more. Also, nobody finds it interesting anyway. Suffice to say that the ultimate car insurance commercial would go like this:

All enter. Scene is a blank stage. All easily recognizable car insurance company’s symbols or spokespeople are clearly visible.

Gecko: “It’s not gecko, it’s Geico! Argh!” (proceeds to be stepped upon)

Progressive Spokesman: “Ha, my prices will crush yours! Look, you can see on my commercial all my lower prices and one slightly higher price to fool people into thinking that I am trustworthy!”

Gecko: “Why you! I’ll show you, you caveman!”

Enter Geico Cavepersons. One is wearing a bathrobe and playing the cello while another is reading…and understanding… Shakespeare.

Caveperson 1: “My, my. I do take offense to that, my old chap! Prepare yourself for honorable fisticuffs!”

Caveperson 2: “I bite my thumb at you, thou devil that thoust be.”

Progressive: “Bring it on. You’re too scared to do show your rates on the air anyway! Ouch!”

Geico: “I am a venomous gecko! PH3AR ME, NEWBZ! (Proceeds to bite everyone in sight, including the cameraman and director)

All: “Argh!” (Cut to video of flaming car rolling down the road)

State Farm Chorus: “Like a good neighbor, State Farm reads your mail when we are there! By the way, can we use your lawnmower? Y’know Tim, what you should…”

(The State Farm Chorus comes from around a corner, only to be bowled over by the flaming car of Death)

Allstate Spokesman: [Step into camera view from right] “Are you in good hands?”

Now that that’s taken care of, I can go on to address what I believe is the most disgusting, vile, and totally unpleasant entity to un-grace our television sets since the last episode of Gilligan’s Island…(meaning that they canceled it!)

INTRODUCING THE MOST TASTELESS FORM OF MEDIA COMMUNICATION EVER!

1) Infomercials – Wherever halfway decent television shows run wild under the clear sky of the viewing audience, you can always find these electronic versions of cattle-thieves, the infamous infomercials. It tears out this columnist’s heart to see that good, honest television networks prostitute themselves to the advance of this demonic media variety. I have a major beef with these things. In fact, not only do I have a beef, I also have a roast, a stew, and a Black Angus steak, all garnished with the A-1 sauce of loathing. I can only write briefly about infomercials before my HATRED of them will cause me to tear apart and eat this keyboard, so I’ll try and make it quick:
a) Commercialus Kitchenum contrapionus – (Common name: Commercial with Ron Popeil in it) – This is an infomercial for some bizarre, totally inane device that, for only 19.95, does either a) make something that didn’t take very long take slightly less time or b) to do something totally alien to culinary science. The most obvious evidence of this I can think of is that pot with the strainer lid that can be used instead of an actual strainer. With only one simple movement, you can take the pot over to the kitchen sink, lock the lid, turn it upside-down, and watch the great big blob of molten spaghetti break through the lid’s poorly designed locking mechanism and fuse to your hands, causing no less than third degree burns. At least you are consoled by the fact that, while you are at the E.R., having a starchoctomy, someone more intelligent that you is using your 19.95 for something noble, like purchasing slaves from Pakistan.
I feel the red mist coming down upon me. I’ll have to continue next week, since I’m starting to feel like eating this keybaifaEF..!T%#YAIEBkj%$^fne#fww3.