Crazy Kind of Girl

         He was right here, I know he was. I swore that I wasn’t just seeing things. Emma swears that I must have been dreaming, but I know I wasn’t. I saw him. He was standing right next to me talking to me as if he never went away. “Nat, it’s just not possible. Chris has been gone for four years now. I think it’s time to get over this. I know it’s hard, but you have to move on.”
         Emma, always the voice of reason. But I can’t shake this strange feeling that it was real. And of course Emma, just being the person she is, insisted that I talk to someone. Someone meaning a professional. “I’m not crazy, Em.”
         “Of course you’re not. I just think that talking to someone neutral will help you get over Chris once and for all. I’m just looking out for your best interests.”
         “Chris is dead, Em. I know he’s not coming back, but you can’t just get over somebody you loved just like that. You keep telling me that you know how I feel, but you don’t. You have no idea what I’m going through.”
         For the first time since I’ve known her, and it’s been almost 25 years, Emma had nothing to say. She kept opening her mouth but no words could come out. I made my best friend speechless. She couldn’t say anything because she knew that I was right. She had never lost anybody close to her before. Sure, she’s lost a couple family members, but nobody she was seriously close to. There was nothing this time that she could say to make things better.
         Chris meant the world to me. He was my best friend and always had been since we were kids. He always knew the right things to say, and always cheered me up no matter how upset I might have been. He was truly the greatest person in the world. His life ended short…way too short, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it.
         Chris was only 21 when he died. Actually, to be exact, he was 21 and 5 days. And I know what you might be thinking… did he get a little too crazy with the drinking and get into a car accident? No, he didn’t. Even though he was newly 21, Chris was responsible. If he knew he was driving, he wouldn’t drink that much. I know it might sound shocking, especially when we’re talking about a 21-year-old guy, but that’s one of the great things about him. He was greatly respected by everyone. I don’t think there was a single person who hated or disliked Chris.
         Emma snapped me back to reality. This was a common occurrence since Chris died. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about the night he left. I really don’t know how Emma deals with me sometimes. “Look, Natalie, I know I’ve mentioned this a thousand times, but I really think you should go to one of those grief support groups. I think it would really help. Everyone there knows what you’re going through and maybe can help you get past this. I don’t want you to forget Chris, but I want you to stop walking around like a zombie and stop blaming yourself for Chris’s death. It wasn’t your fault.”
         “You weren’t there, Em. You didn’t see what I saw.” My voice was loud and angry. It was the first time in four years that I really yelled at Emma. Her eyes were filled with such sadness after I said that. I can’t keep going on like this. I can’t push away every single person that tries to help me. I finally caved. “Okay, Em. I’ll go.”
         The following night, I walked into this dreary, dark hallway. You’d think that the halls of a grief center would at least be a little cheerier. You come here being upset as it is, and you leave even more depressed. Great, sounds like my kind of place.
         After walking for what seemed like forever, I finally came to the room I was looking for. I walked in, and all eyes were on me. I didn’t want to be here anymore, but I knew I couldn’t just turn around and walk out. They’ve all seen me already. A short, chubby, older woman with graying hair waved me in. I assumed she was the leader of this group. “Welcome. Come in, come in! Have a seat wherever you’d like.”
         I thought she was a bit cheery for a grief group, but who am I to complain. The point of coming here is to feel better, isn’t it?
         The leader, who introduced herself as Patty, was quick to speak up as soon as I found a seat. “We’re just about to start. We love welcoming new people. Please, stand up and introduce yourself and tell us why you’ve decided to join us today.”
         Ugh, this is the part I hate. I don’t want to introduce myself. I don’t want people knowing who I am or why I’m here. But I knew I had to do it or else this woman would keep staring me down like I was some kind of creature from outer space. “Hi, I’m Natalie.” A roar of Hi Natalie’s filled the room. “I’m basically here because my best friend couldn’t stand seeing me depressed anymore. Four years ago, I lost the person I loved the most. He was my best friend, my confidant…my brother. He died 5 days after his 21st birthday.”