The rude shall inherit the earth

    Last week my wife sent me on an errand to an alien planet. It was only two miles from the house so I able to drive there. I have never given much credance to life from other planets and I certainly have never given a second thought to thier coming here. I realized, however, as I approached my son's high school, that I hadn't been getting out enough.

    It was obvious, immediately, that these visitors were making a concerted effort to imitate earthlings, but they got the dress a little discombobulated. There was no rhyme or reason associated with anything that anybody was wearing. There were t-shirts over shirts-not under, dresses over pants and bras over tops and both species were wearing men's underwear a foot above thier trousers. You would think aliens would do some homework before trying to assimilate into the population. How hard could it be to figure out where jewlery goes?

    I pulled up alongside the curb, rolled the window down and  made an inconspicuous attempt to ease drop.I learned that everyone was named dude and yet, each dude knew exactly which dude was being addressed. This was apparently, a clever ploy to prohibit us from gaining any useful information. Upon close scrutiny I caught sight of unusual heiroglyphics inked in peculiar places, which I concluded, either distinguished male from female or a gave hint of a third species that I was unfamiliar with.
 
  It was obvious that in thier preliminary investigation of planet earth, they had gotten a little confused. Some were dressed as indians, some mixed army uniforms from six different centuries and some were dressed as characters from "Night of the living dead."

    I have always admired the boy scout motto "Be prepared" but these characters took it to new extremes. Each was loaded down with a sixty pound backpack, a cell phone, headphones and a water bottle.Thier ability to multi task gave enlightenment to the phrase. They could  talk in a cell phone, eat, drink water from a bottle, adjust head phones and kiss all at the same time. I did notice a weakness however! They couldn't walk three feet without stopping to pull up thier pants. This would certainly impeed any march against us.

    I still had an errand to execute and I would have to pass through thier lines without them knowing that I was on to them. I exited my SUV and confronted one of the infiltraters. He was half indian, part hells angel and a little Hanible Lector. "Hey dude, which way is the office." My feeble attempt to communicate with the aliens brought an immediate hush over thier ranks. "My name is Josh, let me take you there." These guys were good.
Josh escorted me through a maze of corridors which eventually led to the administration office. I thanked him and gave half a wave, assuming that his return was emanate. Instead he took a seat and waited, as though to indicate that my safe return was his responsibility.


    The office was busy with efforts more correspondent to our planet and I felt at ease in the company of predictable earthlings. I introduced myself to thier competing frowns as the father of a student who was here to drop off a forgotten lunch. In return I was read a riot act admonishing me about proceedures and policies which was quickly deflected by another frown wanting to know exactly where I parked. Dumbfounded, I apologised, for something and excused myself. It became quite evident just why my wife consigned this particular errand to me.

    Josh led me back to the my car and offered to get the lunch to my son. His attitude, friendliness and assistance emphasized the stark contrast between his people and mine. As I drove away my concern over thier inept infiltration diminished and gave way to an abiding comfort. The confused clothing, misplaced jewlery and hidden tatoos might eventually betray thier real identities, but thier eventual downfall rested in something else. Thier friendly, easy going lifestyle was little match for a planet ready to war over lunch and parking.