Are You A Pirate or A Ninja?

          As tough and merciless as she made herself out to be, Jeissy had a weakness that overpowered all of her strengths. She was a greedy, self-absorbed gold loving wench that would do anything short of whoring out her body. But she had her limits, how few and low on the morality chain that they were. Choppy, dark brown hair and eyes a beautiful blue green like the sea, and breasts. Large, noticeable bouncy breasts. Yes, she did, in a small forgotten part of her life, have a scathing hatred for low cut blouses and dead-drunk men who liked to touch. But it turned out to be too much trouble trying to avoid them and rob them blind at the same time.
          Cutlass casually hanging from her hip, her fingers drumming on the hilt, all the while bending over ever-so-slightly to reveal more cleavage, as if that wasn’t already impossible. She had this trick where she would leave her blouse completely unbuttoned, but still held somewhat together by a leather cummerbund she fetched off a rotting hobo corpse.
          He was dead. It wasn’t like he was ever going to use again.
          The goggle eyed, drunken onlookers stared wildly at this amazing creature before them. Dressed like man, speaking like a man, but breasts the size of ripe watermelons just out there for everyone to see. Taking no notice of the hefty bag of gold at their waists, they too had their tricks. Leaning forward, later blaming the ale and the twenty before that, with dirty, stubby calloused fingers. Just to watch them jiggle.
          Jeissy, however, only had eyes for their purses and satchels; splashing ale in their face, for what they believed was a warning to keep their grubby little hands off of her, and what she knew to be a method to keep them drunk. Whatever the reasons, everyone went home happy, but only one woke up and wallowed in the glory that was soberness.
          Ah, what a gift from the Gods, this magnificent beverage that men drink, people rob and idiots don’t find out until the after the three day long hangover.
It was the best way. The only good and most profitable way. But it was also the least gratifying and demeaning. She enjoyed the rewards when she awoke to a king-sized canopy bed, lined in only the finest red velvet curtains and a steaming hot bath of pure mineral water ready for her. Breakfast, consisting of ham, bacon, sausage, filet mignon, eggs over easy, a chipotle omelet with real chipotle peppers, pancakes waffles, and a fruit parfait with raspberry yogurt, would be served promptly at noon, unless she felt the need to sleep in.
          It was one of these glorious afternoons that she found herself once again surrounded by all of these glorious things, in her glorious life of stealing from drunken, fat-assed brainless, swine bucket fodder, fucking god-damn bastards that touched her. Just the thought made her writhe and slip into the tub, scrubbing away the icky and vomit of the night before, all though her hair still hadn’t dried from her after hours scrubbing.
          “I can still feel it!” she screamed at nothing, groaning and whining, the brush opening old scratches from her last bath. “Get it off! Get it off!”
          Suddenly, the brush flew the air and into the crackling, voluptuous fire.
“That’s it! I’ve had with this shit!”
          Jeissy crawled out the bath, and drippingly walked over to the fire, prepared to throw herself in. But the setting sun caught one of the loose coins on her nightstand and flashed the brightness into her eye.
          The gold.
          What would happen to all the gold? Her gold? She let nasty, old shit faces touch her for that gold. She couldn’t burn off her skin and let just anyone take it while she was still writhing on the floor.
          No! She would not die today! Or any other day until she found someone worthy of her gold. Then she would burn off her skin.
          But who the hell would be worthy? No one in this town apparently. She already had all their gold and needed to move on before the hangovers cleared up.
          She would hitch a ride to the next town, and instead of looking for more gold – Wait – While looking for more gold, she would also be on the hunt for the one person other than herself worthy of what she flounced and bounced her attainment of.