The Vikings

THE VIKINGS

The Vikings were a race that at the time of their exsistence were feared throughout Europe more than english football supporters.It was thanks to idiots like Vikings that the world was plunged into an era known as the dark ages.Well done chaps!

The Vikings came from the cold regions of Scandinavia. The men were usually very large and fierce and had big fake beards which they would buy from a joke shop on thier 18th birthaday. This was to avoid the humiliation of being asked for ID in pubs when they were actually old enough to drink. If this did happen then a young man would either banish himself forever and live in a lake pretending to be a coot or be forced to drink only diet coke for the rest of his days whilst wearing a giant nappy.

As far as architecture was concerned the Vikings were absolutely crap at building anything. Woodwork was cut form the school curriculem because it took the average child thier whole school life to build a spice rack that on average would fall apart after 20 mins. In the year 673 AD the Viking spice industry lost £2.50 because of faulty student spice racks. Criminal. Viking buildings, as im sure you can imagine, were pretty horrible to live in. They had no carpets, if a family was lucky they would have a dead bear on the floor which after the smell of rotting flesh had dispersed made a relativly comfortable floor covering. Due to the lack of adequate flooring the Vikings were the champions of the annual dirtiest feet in Europe competition. Despite thier total disregard for foot hygeine (or any sort of hygeine for that matter!) some would agree that they won purely because everyone was either to scared to vote for anyone else or he Vikings had beaten them up or killed them so they couldnt vote anyway!

As disgusting as they sounded the Vikings werent as stupid as they were dirty. In the year 765 AD they met a Saxon from England who was on holiday in Denmark. He told the Viking king Magnus Magnusson (the very clever but smelly as he was known) how in England it was always sunny, the populace were a straw chewing simpltons and that it had more curry houses per square mile tham Bombay.The vikings couldnt believe their luck. The English man told them that he was the king and offered to swop them the south east of England for a rare collectors edition royal doulton signature plate for his dying mother he heard they had in their possesion. The highly excited Vikings saw this a an amazing opportunity, packed their bags and invaded England. Much to their dissapointment they found out that in Egland it rains more than anywhere else in the world . Also to the Vikings dismay they Quickly realised that there was only one curry house in the whole country, it was called Patels authentic indian takeaway and was owned by a welshman called Kevin who could only cook beans on toast and shepards pie which he then added curry powder too. They also found out from the local inhabitants, who werent straw munching yokals but all oxord graduates, that the English man wasnt the king . He was a door to door carpet cleaner salesman who had gone to ply his trade in Denmark but found the people had no carpets just the occasional smelly, dead bear.He lied to get hold of the priceless plate which was never for his mother, and then sold it for millions and is now sitting in a pub on the old kent road have a good chuckle about it to his mates. How rude thought the Vikings and in typically Viking manner, found the man and chopped his head off.