My name is Erin

The first week I had been given this diary, I had leaned much on the possibility that I would never use it.
That it would be too difficult for me to disclose all of the raging emotions that manifested themselves into
wicked thoughts. But it came as a suprise to me, first that I was more comfortable with my thoughts after I wrote about them
and second they seemed much more real then when they were imaginary visions.
I would rather write about the worst things that have happened to me, then fill this book with all the other stupid nonsense
that young women my age supposedly feel good about. For starters, nothing makes me feel good other then my very own self.
And I do realize that right now I am probably very selfish, but I won't be this way forever. I want to be a good person eventually.
It's just that one must give a little room for all teenagers and young women because they live in the worst state of existence
during this period then anyone else at any other age does. Yet, the worst thing is that even my closest friends seem to be doing
alot better then I am. They are always experiencing more out of life, as well as tripping over less obstacles then I am.
I want to be very frank about this because I feel guilty about it otherwise. And the thing is, that I am very interested in sex, and whoever
said that boys think about sex more then girls do, is completely out of their mind. I bet I think about it eighty percent of my day.
The worst thing about that is, that the more I think about it, the more I become so irritable and restless I hate myself and everyone.
But still that is not the worst thing yet. I am not quite as private with the idea that I masturbate as I used to be.
The only thing I feel absolutely horrible about is that I cannot orgasm thinking about good things.
And I mean that like, things I should be thinking about. Mainly, boys my age or even older guys.
One of my friends told me that having a sexual desire for other girls is not actually bad if you never act on it.
A girl I knew told me she waited for the right moment to act out her feelings for other girls.
Keeping it a complete secret and then sort of letting go when she got drunk or was at a party with lots of guys.
I can focus on alot of guys having sex with me at once, and that seems to be enough to coax my body over the limit.
Afterwards I feel like shit. I don't even want to talk to anyone about it because it's all wrong after it happens.
Once I made the mistake of seeking help on the internet and had a hundred replies asking me what my name was and how old I was.
Which brings me to the other issue I have. That I know I am less mature then most of my friends.
And I hate it when they act like they have to shelter me from what other guys have said about me or people in general.
I know everything they know about, I just can't seem to get on the wagon, to keep up or whatever.
I want to be in control of my life, not lagging behind wishing it would slow up.
Another thing, I thought my birthday would be a cornerstone, suddenly I'd feel really different. I don't, I just don't.
I would never dream of breathing to another soul that I watch porn sometimes, they would think I was a slut.
Yet some of my friends get away with it and nobody calls them a slut at all. I think it's completely unfair.
There should be no reason other girls are having the time of their lives and I'm feeding off the bottom.
Life is unjust, unfair and for the moment, a blast seemingly for everyone else.