This lovely piece was written based on a true incident involving a heap of doggy diarrhea. |
Author's note: In order to truly appreciate the inner workings of this poem, a reader may require the definition of 'illegal cornmeal'. Basically, illegal cormeal is all the crap that goes into low-end dog food and treats. Probably more livestock fur than cormeal, but in any case, it ain't good for your pet. This particular incident occured one steamy June night in 2004, and the poem was written moments later as I composed an email to my recently-turned-Albertan friend Tamara. I hope you enjoy the story. Illegal Cornmeal and the Red Milkbone Theory Twas the middle o' the night and all through the city, Everyone with multiple dogs did take pity For my boyfriend and I, the previous day, Both of us were gone at work all day Whilst we were gone, the dogs they hung out Nes had the whole house, while the girls, they did pout For trapped in the tiniest kitchen were they With only their bones and their toys for to play Hungry and lonely, they devised such a plot And my, I do say, the lesson they were taught They broke in to the kibble, and the milkbone box too, And consumed a lot more than their fair share of food Then at 1:20 am, there arose such a splatter I jumped out of my bed to see what was the matter And what to my wondering eyes should I see But puke, vomit and bile, and some diarrhe' Poor Vezzer, poor Twig, those dogs looked so glum To have illegal cornmeal coming out of both mouth and bum To say they looked guilty does not even come close I think they knew their mess was the crowning of gross I pulled out my bucket, tore open my cleaner After a day or two of fasting, I'm sure they'll look leaner, Little balloon bellies, to me did express In the morning there'd be even more of a mess With 2 kilograms of milkbones, safe in their tummies All colours were eaten; most had been yummy I expected to see a rainbow of poo But most was the traditional brown smelly goo If you ever suspect that your dogs you can trust Remember this night (I'll send pics if I must) Seal all of your cupboards, and your cookie jars too To avoid all this hassle that I have gone through Perhaps here tonight a lesson was learned Nevermore for milkbones will these two dogs yearn Their over-comsumption proved such a fright That nightmares and bellyaches kept them up all night Hopefully I hope, will this story end With a clean kitchen in the morning and two dogs on the mend And the promise that once I am through this ordeal I won't buy anymore products with illegal cormeal (c) Erin English 2004 |