Idiot shoppers

In the last week I've had so many idiot customers that my head is literally spinning. My jaw is permanently stuck to the floor from giving people that "I'm in awe of your lack of brain cells" look. People will try to return anything if they think they can get away with it. No, this is not news to me. I know that lots of jackasses will do anything for some cash, or a goddamn store gift card. I've just been overwhelmed with a series of these people, particularly in the last 2 days.
One lady came in with a tattered bath mat. It was wet. Not damp, but damn near dripping. She said, "I washed it and it fell apart!" I explained that we can't return or exchange an item that has obviously been used and/or laundered. She said, "But I've only had it for a year! I still have the receipt!" Sweet Mother of God. A YEAR? How the fuck long do you expect a bath mat to last, and why the hell are you saving receipts for shit like this? The return policy is printed clearly on the back of our receipts and states that items may be returned with their receipt within 90 days of the original purchase date. She said, "Uh, I'm pretty sure there's a lifetime guarantee on that thing." No, lady, no. There is NOT A LIFETIME GUARANTEE for a swatch of carpet that sits in your fucking bathroom and collects your shit particles and heaven knows WHAT else for a year. She even teared up when she realized that she was going to have to walk right back out the door with her bath mat from hell. She went into a monologue about how she's been a loyal customer to us her whole life and how it breaks her heart that we don't care for our customers. Someone did not take her crazy-go-bye-bye pills. I asked if she wanted to speak to a manger since she wasn't fucking LEAVING and she said, "No, it's just going to take a few minutes for me to gather myself and then I'll go." Whatever, you giant puddle of stupid. GTFO.
Right before I took my lunch break yeseterday, the new cashier called me from the Men's Department because she was having trouble with a pushy customer who wanted to return something she thought was non-returnable. She briefly explained that the customer was trying to return clothing that we don't carry. I walked the 15 feet from hardware to men's and halfway there I realized, upon seeing the pissed off customers standing at the register, that these idiots were there 3 days ago. It was the same thing as 3 days ago, too: they were trying to return an assload of White Stag clothing from fucking Wal-Mart. I am assuming they stole the shit from wally world because there were lots of duplicate articles of clothing in a wide variety of sizes, as though they just swept a rack and jammed it into a bag or whatever. They recognized me, too, and the older woman (the other person was her daughter) rolled her eyes and said, "Jesus Christ, here we go again." I didn't even try to be nice. I said, "Well, maybe if you wouldn't come to our store at different times on different days to see if you could get cash or hundreds of dollars in store credit for items you didn't purchase here, you'd have less of a problem on your hands." She went into her explanation that she just bought these goddamn things from our department store last week. I reminded her that no, no she didn't. We don't fucking carry White Stag. "YES YOU DO!" No, fartface, we don't. Her daughter stood behind her nodding her head so hard I thought it might detach itself from her neck. Goddamn. She said that she knew FOR A FACT that I could return items without a receipt and issue her a gift card. I stated that in theory, we could. IF THE PRODUCTS WERE OURS. I told her I'd call a manager and she said to just fucking forget that, but I was already on the phone. The store manager came over and she changed her tune and the story turned into, "Oh, I am terribly sorry...I'm returning these things for my mother and she couldn't remember where she bought them." I rebagged her shitty White Stag stash, plopped it on the floor in front of her and said, "Have a great day." I bit my tongue so as to avoid wishing her terminal diarrhea in front of my boss.
The last customer I'll bitch about (I'm only picking out the best of the best for the internet. I could do 239874987 entries on idiot shoppers) tried to return used underwear. She swears she only tried them on and that the stains came with them. Firstly, they smelled of fabric softener, so they were recently laundered. Secondly, if you shit your pants and can't get the fucking stain out of your new gutchies, you cannot return them even if you have the receipt. I'm pretty sure that's the policy for all stores. Everywhere. She only put up a small fight when I explained that I could not give her an exchange seeing as how there was an ass-shaped shit stain in the underwear. "I've returned underwear here before." I wanted to ask her how often she shits her pants. Maybe she should be seeing a doctor about a colostomy bag instead of spending all her money on fresh underwear. I told her no one with half a brain would allow her to return worn underwear. She said, "Oh, no, last time they were in an unopened package...I just picked up the wrong size." Picking up the wrong size panties is one thing. Crapping in the correct size and bringing them back to us is just plain rude. Honest to goodness. What the fuck is wrong with people?