THE DAY THE CHESSESTEAK BLEW

circa 1988

Finishing the drive from the nearby city of Sandlesburr, Douglas Rickardston ejected the Bible on cassette tape from the player, parked, and sat looking at the empty church building. Looking at his watch he noted that it was 6:00 pm. And it was going to be nearly an hour till church time. The problem with working in one city, going to church in another, and actually living in a third was that it made it rather inefficient to travel. Though as he leaned back in the car seat he repeated to himself the mantra of the day “It is worth it. It is worth it.” Just like getting your moneys' worth at a Bonanza all you can eat buffet it was all about how many times you could go back to the food bar.

Which reminded him of food, and the thought of not being able to eat dinner until 9:30 when he rolled into the driveway of his apartment was ,well, just not acceptable. Even if money was tight, what was more important being hungry for the next three and one-half hours or saving a few bucks? That decided, he put the car into gear, backed up and drove down the street and into the local Aunt Wippies. A store that put the word convenient in convenience stores, because they had everything you could imagine.

Walking into the store he grabbed a Pepsi and then leaving the coolers he purposely looked the other away as he walked by the jar of pickled pigs legs. For the life of him he had yet to figure out why anyone would want pickled pigs legs, pigs knuckles, livers, kidneys or other things from the “this is not FOOD” list. And of course then he saw it on the board above the counter, “Large cheese steak $9.55 with all the workings”. Looking back behind the white counter, he saw the grill with sizzling steaks, and fried onions…. ahhhhhh… the smell of good food. Quickly putting in his order and paying for it, Douglas patiently stood back from the white counter top that was crammed with candy bars, gummy bears, and trinkets of every sort imaginable.

As he waited he idly watched as customers came and went. It was hard to miss the number of times the cigarette rack above the counter was accessed. Enough smoke was being sold in this place to give the entire state of Nebraska cancer! Smiling to himself a little bit Douglas toyed with the idea of trying to tell a few of them what a bad idea that was. He worked it over in his mind, imaging what a likely response would be. Finally his cheese steak was done and grabbing it he went to exit, ‘saved by the cheese steak’ he thought to himself.

Once back at the still empty church building he glanced at his watch, 6:30. Tearing open the white package with his treasure in its center, he dug in. The first warning should have been that it was already soaked in grease and the paper was glued to the sub itself. The second warning was that the bread itself was difficult to hold without his fingers punching through the mushy shell that the bread had become. Ok so the stop light was red, it had been yellow just a glimmer of a second ago. To late to hit the breaks now right? But oh it tasted good going down. Oh so good.

Annoyed Douglas noticed that the grease had soaked through onto his front seat. Reaching over he tried to use some leftover napkins to soak it up a little bit. And that was when his stomach did the first belly flop. A burp followed and he tasted the cheese steak again. It had tasted better the first time. By the time the front doors of the church opened and people had begun to arrive the belly flop had become a belly dance.. and the dancer was ugly and had sharp elbows and heels hitting in all the wrong places. Not to mention with every burp the cheese steak tasted worse and worse. Hitting the bathroom he closed his eyes for a second, ok that would take care of it. Exiting, he briefly considered standing guard outside to warn potential victims it wasn’t safe to enter yet, but abandoned the idea when he realized that service was about to begin anyways.

Finally the service began, smiling at the woman sitting across from him Douglas prayed that she hadn’t heard. Whoever thought that Church music should be soft had never been in a service like this. During prayer time he looked over and was relived to realize that she must not have heard anything. And then it happened.. the long slow high pitched squeal that means you are in BIG BIG TROUBLE. The person in front of Douglas turned around to look at him. “Don’t meet his eyes, don’t meet his eyes” Douglas thought to himself. Fortunately, at the end of it all the church shook hands and parted in a friendly manner. Douglas took that as proof they were real Christians.

Getting back in his car, he began the hour drive home again. It was that uncomfortable, stomach bloating, stink bomb producing, misery that would last all the way back home and into the wee hours of the night.