I needed Coffee

COFFEE

I needed coffee. It was going to be a long night of reading and then preparing for my students. I headed downstairs to make some but I forgot that the parts I needed were in the midst of a wash cycle. I can’t wait for that – I thought to myself. I’ll get Dorothy and we’ll go for a walk to the local bodega. Dorothy is my housemates Cairn Terrier – she looks like Toto from Wizard of Oz and since she’s a girl they couldn’t call her Toto, so her name is Dorothy. We often go on long walks to the park along the river, for me I love the fresh air, the water and being outside. For Dorothy it is an opportunity to “intimidate” anyone no matter their size. Although she is full grown and doesn’t reach my shins, she attempts to throw her weight around (all 9 lbs of herself) at any oncoming canine and although I don’t speak dog I know she is egging them on with her incessant barking waiting for an opportunity to prove she is Alpha female. But tonight there is no one out and we are headed to the local bodega. Ok……..so where I live it isn’t referred to as a bodega for to do so would mean that I live in a city that I long to call my own. I don’t. I live in a small town not much unlike anywhere U.S.A. and although the store I’m going to tonight fits the definition of a bodega……….here we call it a store, a quick mart or some other term – just not bodega….sigh.

Do you ever feel stuck? Like you know where you want to be in life and how to get there but for now time seems to stand still? Like you’re on the verge of something but you know you have to sit where you are for a while because life isn’t finished teaching you what you need to know yet? That’s how I feel. Can you relate to me? I long to do so many things. To accomplish many goals. Like I’ve had so much caffeine that I can’t sleep yet there is no one to talk to and I’ve finished all that I know to do so I pace the room. Um…er….not that I ………..have ever done that before……..(nervous sideways glance)

To want to do something else yet feel stuck. I really don’t like that feeling. Stuck really isn’t the right word – more like other responsibilities are greater and more important at this moment in time. So I choose to sit and wait knowing that my time will come. So I make use of this time. I prepare. No really, I do. I don’t just sit and pout or become bitter for to do so would be saying that my needs come before my daughter. And while sometimes they do, this is one of the times where they don’t. Her well being and her relationship with her father is more important than geography to me right now. She is young. And as much as I hate to admit this…..she needs him as much as she needs me right now. And that to me is what matters most. So for now I will wait. I will prepare. I’ll finish this degree and when it is finished; academically I will not be able to go any further. I will gain experience and knowledge. I will continue to learn from my mentors and I will pave the way for the future, whatever that may hold.

I know all of that and I don’t discount it on days like this one. But sometimes I just feel like time is standing still.

So tonight, I grab my music, put on my head phones and get Dorothy and her leash, some money and we head out the door. I’m listening to my girl Janet, her new single with Nelly. I LOVE IT. There isn’t much Janet does that I don’t like. In fact throughout her career the only song I really didn’t care for was Black Cat. She’s my girl and I know that if we ever meet – we would TOTALLY be best friends……..So Dorothy and I are walking along and in that moment I’m good. Janet and I sing with Nelly, Dorothy tries to stop, smell, and pee every fourth step and coffee is around the corner at the …………..store.
While I’m there waiting for their coffee to brew, I watch people come in the store, buy beer and leave. I wonder what their dreams are. Are they planning for tomorrow? Do they even think of it? Do they still dream? What are they working towards? I wonder as I watch……I wonder what their story is. I imagine being captivated by their experiences and watching their eyes as they unfold the story of what brought them to this corner….store. Why they choose beer. Why they are up this late. Why their hair is uncombed and they look as though they haven’t changed clothes today. I wonder.

I wonder what they think when they look at me standing here with Dorothy. What do they see when they look at me? I would love to have a conversation with them. I wonder if they feel stuck too. Like time is standing still. Maybe they feel like time has gone on and forgotten about them. Maybe they’re waiting just like me.

I don’t know. All I do know is that tonight like many other nights for me will be a late one. And right now, I need coffee. I glance over my shoulder, it’s done. I get my coffee, “come on Dorothy, let’s go home.” I put my head phones back on and out the door we go walking home. It’s a nice night out, Janet and I are together again, and I am thankful for the coffee I got from the corner…….store.

Heavy sigh……………..

Much love,
Mariah