I see them in the distance

I SEE THEM IN THE DISTANCE………

I see them in the distance. They are getting closer, taller. Their beauty is rivaled by few who dare. I would recognize them anywhere. They evoke memories long forgotten, memories of laughter and of pain, of hope and of longing. Memories of people, of experiences that bring smiles, thoughts to be explored and emotions abandoned long ago.

They are here. They see me. They recognize me and begin to sing their song. The Cascades, gatekeepers to the west. To all that I know. I’m passing them by. They stare at me as I pass through whispering welcome back. The air is fresh and clean and the water is clear. The rivers run clear like crystal leaving the eye to see the bottom that not even your toes can touch. Sunshine and rain, clouds and clear sky. The ash of a mountain exploded, the roar of waves repeated as they come in with the tide. I’ve returned home. They see me and nod. They know I’m here. They have not aged nor changed they look the same. They are so beautiful, majestic, breath taking and eye capturing. They take me back and I feel, I know, I am home. They bring me comfort for I know them well; they bring me fear for I felt they would never let me go. Keeping me captive, blinding me, shielding me, and sheltering me from the world I longed to know. They trapped me, surrounded me, and enticed me with their beauty hoping I wouldn’t notice their hold on me.

But I did. I did notice and I rebelled. My mind reminds me, returns me to the fight. Of how I fought them with all I had. I was fighting for my freedom. I was fighting to breathe. Eventually I would win that battle. I broke from their hold and I moved away as quickly as I could never to look back.

Now I have returned. I am back for a short time and although I know I will be leaving again soon, it still feels as though I am trapped. These feelings they haunt me and move the hair on my arms to stand on end. I begin to take in all that is around me, I look. I see a place stuck in time. I see a place moving forward slowly, not worried about keeping up with the rest of the world almost happy not to know. I see people still using cassette walkmans and women who haven’t changed their hair since the 70’s. Cars that are coming upon their 25th birthday, they look tired – no – exhausted but still they carry their passengers faithfully. The faces are somber, some are laughing but most show little expression, my heart it breaks to see them, I can feel them and my eyes, they sting. Being ok with not knowing what is out there or what the world has to offer. It is my opinion and my view and to me it seems true. To me it feels like they settled. They have chosen their fate. Or maybe they believe that fate had chosen them and they had no choice. It is a fate that would steal my soul and siphon my hopes and dreams so completely that all I would remember is a longing. Of what I long for, I don’t seem to remember. That scares me. I never want to be that. I never want to loose my inquisitiveness about life or myself or those around me. I want to take chances and discover new and exciting things. I don’t want to be stuck. Not physically and not in my mind.

Despite this sort of depressive air that lives and breathes around me there is yet this peace. A feeling of knowing you are home. I am in a place that is familiar and it brings me a sort of solace. At the same time I am glad to be home. Excited to see people and places that haven’t crossed my mind in over 20 years. So many things I want to share with my daughter. Show her and tell her about her family and our history. Of powwows and swimming, of riding bikes and of waves crashing in on your legs. So many good and happy moments that molded and shaped me. To see where I went to school and the football field where my squad and I cheered at and to meet old friends who I shared these experiences with. Old friends who brought great joy to my life. The laughter I remember makes me laugh even now. It’s good to be home. It’s good to be here. Being back here is all of those things.

Yes. Being back here is scary, yet peaceful, calming and anxiety provoking. I’m glad to be home but only to visit. I’ll be glad to leave and enter the world once again….

Much Love,
Mariah