Who Knows. Someday

I sat at the window for ages. I was particularly looking at anything, there was nothing there, but I couldnt stop myself from staring into the distance. I felt the cliche sting my eyes but still couldnt move.
When mum entered i didnt know what to say. Her questions were empty and I couldnt really hear what she was saying. I looked at her with wonder - how was she going to react? I couldnt tell. I didnt know how I was meant to react to this - why should i expect anyone else to know what to do?

They all sat down at the kitchen table in front of me as if I was conducting a survey. Answering yes and no - or grunting in my brothers case as he barely looked up from his gameboy. Why cant I be like that? Completely oblivious to the world around me, I want to be like that, make me not care!! But i did care and I did see the world around me. I did see the results from the scan, I saw the consultants lips move, I heard the words. I saw the sad expression on his face as he introduced me to the oncologist. I saw it all, I was aware of it all, I understood. I understood what was happening - but noone on this earth could ever explain to me why it was happening to me.
I start with 'Ok.' Then i freeze. What do i say next? I might be dead in year or i might not - who knows. Again, 'Ok.' Dont tell them, tell them, dont tell them, tell them? I looked at my mother as she looked worryingly at the oven. 'Lets have dinner,' I finally say as i realise that they dont need to know. If they notice then they can know - but what if the doctors got it wrong? That can happen. I'll wait. I'll tell them when i know more. With the facts in front of them they cant be scared, it shall just be the end or not. No in between. Just you'll live or you'll die.

I stare back out of the window. Theres still nothing there but i smile. I cant help the tear staining my shirt, but i know i'll be ok. Someday.