Alone

Sigh….
To her this was not just a slow exhalation of unwanted air from within her lungs; it was the collection of redundant, unwanted emotions being hurled from her body. It was her soul deflating under the pressure of emotions she had suppressed for far too long. It was time to react. She could not possibly be expected to serve as the ideal friend for everyone; she couldn’t just keep remoulding her personality to suit the needs of each individual for the sake of keeping the peace.

It was jealousy, it was anger, it was helplessness. She couldn’t describe all of the emotions that she was feeling. She was exhausted. She could not bear to be a personal diary anymore for a friend who had no desire to know how she herself was doing. One more day of nodding her head and smiling at the insurmountable ideas of another friend would drive her into madness. Tiptoeing around delicate topics and keeping a brave face one more time for the sake of not injuring someone’s feelings may brutally tear her into two. Didn’t anybody understand that she wasn’t perfect? Didn’t anybody realize that she was in no condition to be used and reused whenever one felt like it? Was it really so hard for everyone to see through the façade she had so desperately tried to keep up? If one more person came to her with the imprudent idea that she would always be there listening with an open ear…well…she was scared of what she might do.

The problem was that she had the inability to ever truly be herself. In fact, it had been so long since she had shown her true personality that she fears that it is lost forever, floating somewhere in a dark abyss with all of her lost hopes and dreams. In all reality, it’s truly her own fault that people take her for granted, that to everyone, she is just a second-rate friend. If only she hadn’t forced herself into this habit, this disorder. If only she didn’t think that it was her own personal responsibility to keep everyone contented. Most of all she feared their judgement of her.

Who knew that avoiding what she feared the very most would turn out so disastrous. Who knew that within a few years she would turn into such an emotional wreck, wrestling to hold onto herself but losing the struggle? She was a monster now. Nobody knew who she was; nobody took the time to try to know her. Even if they had it wouldn’t have done them any good because she wouldn’t have known who to be; she would simply invent another persona to keep her acquaintance interested. She had to exorcise this demon out of her, but what could she possibly do? Admit that she had been pretending to care, pretending to listen to all of her so-called friends? That was absolutely unthinkable. No, this was a task she would have to deal with entirely on her own. She would have no genuine friends to lean on. Nobody to confide in. No one to console her. She would be completely, utterly…
Alone.