Family Guy Fanfic - No Gay Man. Part 1

FAMILY GUY


INT.GRITTHEN HOUSE - Day

Peter and the brian are sat on the couch.

BRIAN
A hundred million dollars?
That's a lot of beer money peter.

PETER
that's a lot of beer money brian.

Brian looks at peter.

wait a beat

BRIAN
What's it for?

PETER
Remember that time I went into space?

CUT TO
INT.Space Shuttle - One year ago.

Peter is sat flanked by two all american looking astronauts.

Sweat is rolling down peter's face.

Wait a beat.

He Looks left.

He looks right.

PETER
Geez, turn up the friggin air conditioning,
it's like a volcano in here.

ASTRONUALT
The temputure is calculated based
on the atmopsheri...

Peter gets up as he talks.

ASTRONUALT (Con'td)
Conditions of

Peter walks upto the door. And stands looking at the handle.

ASTRONUALT
And....

The astronualts senses what he's about to do.

Peter opens the door, and everything flies out as the vaccume sucks the air out of the room.

EXT.Space - Continueing

Angle on peter's face, as he flies away giggling.

Int.Griithen House.-Back to the present.

BRIAN
Yeah, you really sucked the air out of that one.

PETER
Heh, you said sucked.

BRIAN
So anyway, what are you gonna do?

PETER
I have two choices brian. Become a pimp, or become a whore.
I have the body for both, yet the heart for neither.

BRIAN
You sure there's a market for middled age fat balding guys with glasses?

PETER
I click my fingers and woman come.
Heh, I said come.

BRIAN
You might want to think of another way, just in case.

PETER
I've got it! I'll become...

Stands up and shadows drape his face.

PETER
Zool, the atomic ninja assiasian from the 9th Dimension.

CUT TO
Ext.Chinese Plain fields - Fantasy

Peter is stood with a swoard across his back, and his quasi arch nemesis, Largo
is stood a hundred feet on front of him.
They circle each other like scorpians.

PETER
Your time is now, infidel.

LARGO
No, I think you'll find, it is your time that is now. And what's an infidel?

PETER
Oh it's a type of muslim guy who loves god, but decides to act on that
by blowing up innocent people with bombs. It's neat.

LARGO
Yes well. I AM YOUR END MR PETER

PETER
I think you'll find is it is I who is your. And what's an end?

LARGO
AVAST!

LARGO rips out his swoard. (No, I said swoard - Geez) And gets ready to rumble.

PETER
No wait. Did you say avast? AVAST? Geez, mr depp
sure you havn't got an aunction to open somewhere? Avast.

LARGO
IT is acceptable bad guy lingo

PETER
It's acceptable if you're in a b-movie directed by Shelman Bomb,
this is family guy mister, class it up!

LARGO
Very well. On guard!

PETER
Screw it, I'm going to my trailer. Call when mr Olivier here is finished.

Peter walks away.

Cut
Int.Gritten House - Kitchen - Same Day

Stewie is sat studying the patterns of movement of his Louis

STEWIE
Her movement is primitive. Like a...premitive movement.
Yes, this will be easy. Tonight, she will

Slips. face first on the table.

STEWIE
....Mental note : Destroy all tables.

Chris walks in, strutting.

CHRIS
Hey mum, guess what. I got a date

LOUIS
Finally! I mean, err, I mean, with who sweetie?

CHRIS
Steve Holt

LOUIS
the guy from arrested dvelopement?

CHRIS
He's not gay.

LOUIS
......

PETER walks in..

PETER
Ah chris, the heir to the gritthen throne.
The prodigal dark prince of the jedi Sith.
The Green laten

The back door knocks.

Peter walks over to the door and opens it. a Lawyer is stood there holding a clipboard.

PETER
Yes?

LAWYER
Peter Gritthen?

PETER
Perhapbe.

LAWYER
I represent the state of George Lucas and Mr Lee,

PETER
Both of them?

LAWYER
Their grandmothers had a four way with the lees, it was sordid..

PETER
I'm listening

LAWYER
I must issue an immediate cease and decist order on your continual and baffling
copyright infringements.

PETER
Here goes nothings. I mean, Why pinnocho why?

LAWYER
Oh god no,

PETER
What's a matter timmy?

LAWYER
STOP IT

PETER
You can't always get what you want,

LAWYER
OH NO NOW YOU'VE DONE IT

PETER
I did it! I Did it! I did It!

LAWYER
I'm writing in my book, I'm so writing in my book.

PETER
I'll just go back to the future before the jurrasic parks and change the past with
my long wooden nose and make it so that you were never made a tin man with no heart.

LAWYER
.....

Lawyers head explodes in a shower of sparks.

LAWYER(ROBOTIC)
ERROR. HEAD DISMOUNT. ATTACH NEW HEAD.
LAYWER UNIT MALFUNCTION. HEAD NOT FOUND. PLEASE INSERT HEAD.

PETER slams the door shut.

Louis
Peter, chris..chris is gay.

PETER
Holy crap!

Wait a beat.

PETER
You're a woman!

She looks at him.

Wait a beat.

Louis:
Peter, you're not listening. Our son, the throne to the sith, of,

Interuppted by

LAWYER(ROBITIC)
I HEARD THAT.

LOUIS
He's got a date.

PETER
Good on him. Geez, you'd think you'd understand.
You've been knocked up more times than a volley ball.

LOUIS
With a man.

PETER(SEMI-ROBOTIC)
PETER UNIT MALFUNTION. REALITY DISTACH. PLEASE INSERT REALITY.

CHRIS
Cool, dad's just like grandpa now! hahaha!

LOUIS
Grandpa has more hair.

Brian walks in. Takes a look at louis, then peter.

BRIAN
that's his 'oh my god my son's a queer' look.

LOUIS
Brian, that's a terrible word. Queer.

BRIAN
I'm sorry, where are my manners. I mean, poof.

LOUIS
That's...an improvement.

CHRIS
Wait a minute. I'm gay? ARGGGHHH!

BRIAN
Well you know what they say, your hetrosexuality is always in the last place you look.

Cut.to
EXT.Superbowl.Next Day

Two quaters back from opposing sides are lined up in front of each other.

RED QUATERBACK
I'm gonna knock you down, like I knocked your mother up!

BLUE QUATERBACK
I'm...wait a minute...dad?

RED QUATERBACK
...Son?

BLUE QUATERBACK
DAD!

They run into each other arms and hug.

Wait a beat.

Forty five linebackers pile into the both of them.

Pan to stadium seats, brian and peter are sitting down with beers in their hands.

PETER
Thanks for the ball game Brian. I had to get out of the house.
Everything was reminding me chris was...that way.

A british man sat in front of peter turns around and asks,

BRITISH MAN
Fag?

PETER
HEY WATCH IT BUDDY!

BRIAN
NO peter, he was asking for a fag. He's british.

PETER
Oh god, oh sorry, sorry fella, you almost got your.

BRITISH MAN
Reach around?

PETER
OK NOW YOU'RE

BRIAN
No peter, he was asking you to reach around, his left arm is in a cast.

PETER
Oh god again, I'm just,

BRITISH MAN
Bend over?

PETER
NOW COME ON NO

BRIAN
No peter, it's a brand of british cigerette, Bend over's. See.

Points to a passing blimp advertising bend over cigerettes.

PETER
Oh sheesh I'm on fire today!

British man looks at peter. Blinks.

Wait a beat.

BRITISH MAN
So your son's gay?

Peter knocks him out with a single punch.

BRIAN
He had it coming.

PETER
What are we going to do?

British man slumps out of his chair onto the floor.

BRIAN
Ever considered detraining?

PETER
Oh no, remember that time I thought I was a planet?

Cut to
Ext.Park - Sometime ago.

Peter is turning, humming like the gentle hum of the stars at night.

PETER
I am the planet Omicron.

He bumps into a woman.

PETER
You are now in my orbit. Resistence is futile.

She rolls her eyes and walks away.

PETER
I am the plan -

A space shuttle lands flat on his head and paves him into the ground.

Cut.
Ext.Ball park - Present Day.

BRIAN
Yeah or that time you thought you were Bruce Willis?

Cut.
Int.Nakatomi Plaze - Sometime ago.

Peter is looking down through a skylight onto a band of terriosts lead by William Dafoe.

DAFOE
And then we'll nuke 'em. And once we've nuked 'em.
We'll fusion bomb them. And once we've fusion bombed them,
we'll nutron bomb them. and once we've

Fade out as the focus is pulled back on peter.

PETER(TO arm band communitor)
Target acuired. Going silent.

BK Employee
Err sir, it's a felony to hijack this frequency.

PETER
Geez what kind of code is that?

BK Employee
Ok, frenquency this hijack to felony a it's.

PETER
....What?

Back to dafoe

DAFOE
...And once we've invertetronited them, we'll boomerang shackletop them.
And...

Sound of glass cracking.

PETER
Oh crap.

Sound of further glass cracking.

PETER
Oh crap part duex.

Sound of even more glass cracking.

PETER
Oh crap part.....three.

Glass shatters.

As he is about to fall, the screen turns black and white and it slows down.

Then ron howard, the narrator from AD comes in.

NARRATOR RON
Peter had just made a huge mistake.
When..

Sound of a thump.

NARRATOR RON
ARGHH. WHY!!!

WONDERYEARS NARRATOR
And ron was dead. And the guy from wonderyears got all his work for years to come.

Fade back to normal color.

Peter crash lands and looks up at dafoe.

PETER
Hey I know you.

DAFOE
Oh yeah, you've seen my movies? Or my oscar speech?

PETER
No I had sex with your mother.

DAFOES face drops.
DAFOE
Mumsy! (Crying)

Cut to.
Ext.Ballpark - Present day

PETER
Or that time I...

BRIAN
Two's enough. Two's ENOUGH.

PETER
You're right.

Wait a beat.

BRIAN
So your son's gay?

Peter knocks him out. He rolls over and falls slump on the british man.

Ext - Outside Gritthen House - Next Day

Chris and Steve Holt are sat in the swings. Steve Holt looks exactly like steve holt in Arrested development.

Angle:We can see both chris, steve and the gritthen windows and curtains.

CHRIS
I got that new game, Viper blaster.

STEVE
Oh yeah? I heard that's a good game.

The curtain window can be seen being raised slightly, and a eyeball can be seen.


Int.Gritthen House Front room - Continueing.

Peter is stood crouched by the window. A framed human sized clock is against the wall.
With a wooden door.

Wait a beat.

DRAGON
*cough*

Peter looks right.

PETER
What the...

DRAGON (Under breath)
Oh sugar!

Still crouching.

PETER
Is that..is that a dragon?

The clock door swings open.

DRAGON
Aren't you supposed to be a tiger?

PETER
And you're supposed to be dead. My great
great grandfather Perspectus Waterwalker
slayed the last dragon over 200 years ago.

Cut to.
Ext.Up in the clouds - Two Centuries ago.

Perspectus is sat perched on a roraring dragon's back.
It's head biting back and fourth trying to get perspectus.

PERSPECTUS (Old sweedish accent )
Ah you've breathed your last breath of unholy fire lad.

Raises swoard.

Dragon breathes fire left and right, missing perspectus.

PERSPECTUS
Fight no more, tis no shame in dying at the hands of I.

Lowers swoard into the dragon's neck.
The dragon's head slumps forward. And the dragon begins to nose dive.

Angle : Above and following Perspectus and the dragon hurtling ever faster towards
the ground.

PERSPECTUS
Not thought this out, says I.

Cut to.
Int.Gritthen House - Back to the present.

Peter is still looking out of the window.

Angle:Peter's POV. Chris and Steve are still sat in the swings talking.

PETER
Christ. My own son, a woofter.

LOIUS
PETER! Show some respect. Res...who am I kidding.
What are we going to do?

PETER
I'll tell you what we're gonna do louis.

Peter looks at her, motionless.

Wait a beat.

LOUIS
You don't know do you?

PETER
I've got it. I'll walk over and punch steve in the face.
He'll be so humilated Chris will lose all respect for him.

LOUIS
You can't just go punching everyone in the face Peter.

PETER
Can't or Cannot?

Wait a beat.

PETER
Think about it.

CUT
Ext - Swings - Gritthen house - Day.

The door swings open.

PETER
Son, there comes a time in every mans life
when has to watch his gay boyfriend get the crap
beat out of him by his homophobic father. And that time is now.

Steve holts eyes dart from side to side.

CHRIS
He's not gay.

PETER
Save it for the jury, buddy.

Peter goes to pull up his sleeves, but they're already up so he just rubs his arm for no reason.

Peter death marches over to Steve Holt.

PETER
Any last requests?

STEVE
Not the face, not in the face.

Peter's arm goes back and the camera pulls out, as it is hurtling towards Steve,

Just as it's about to land, Micheal Bein jumps in front of the blow, asborbing the impact.

Sound of a motorcycle approaching.

Steve jumps up, as peter recoils and falls flat on his back.

MICHEAL
Wanna stay alive, come with me!

Micheal without looking, flying kicks the passing motorbike, knocking off it's passenger.

MICHEAL
Let's ride!

They pull off as peter gets to his feet.

Cut to Peter's point of view. Terminator robot hud.

The bike is peering off into the distance. A red reticule locks on.

TARGET ACQUIRED

flares up on the screen.

A further list of possible actions shows up.

A) Sell body for bus fare.
B) Use body as bait and hitchhike
C) Get in own car. Save body for later.


C) Highlights red, to signal it is the choosen course of action.

Cut.
Intercity section, traffic everywhere the eye can see.
Bein and Steve are weaving in and out of the traffic like a firefly through rays of light.

STEVE
Where are we going?

BEIN
You don't move unless I say so. Don't breath unless I say so.

STEVE
Can you stop him?

BEIN
With these weapons? I don't know.

Peter's car smashes into the back of the bike, sending steve and bein flying.
Peter screetches to a halt and gets out.

Bein and Steve are laying on the ground. Bein's one visible eye suddenly opens and looks
at peter.

He jumps up.

BEIN
My kung fu is better than your kung fu!

PETER
Impossible. My kung fu is the ultimate kung-fu, says so on the video cover.

BEIN
Round one, FIGHT!

PETER
Seriously you have to stop that, you've already got
screen time, you don't have to narrate the damn thing.

WONDERYEARS NARRATOR
That would be wise.

Sound of gun being loaded.


Bein lunges for peter, he misses. Peter punches him in the face, blood flies through the air.
Bein recentres himself and headbutts peter, whose head flings back.
Peter's head still flung back he launches a right hook, it hits bein smack on.

They push away from each other and prepare for the next onslaught.

They run towards each other and both raise their right arm, as they both
go in for the strike, their striking arms morph into metal claws

CLANG

They both stop, eyes open, looking at each other.

PETER
holy crap, you can do that too!?

BEIN
Oh no way, no way man. You too huh?

PETER
Yeah. Oh can you do that thing, with the girl's voice?

BEIN
Oh wait wait. "Hello this is sarah o'connor"

PETER
HAH, "Hello, my name is linda hamilton"

BIEN
Linda who?

PETER
She's the actress who played Sarah

BEIN
Actress?

PETER
You're like one of those vietnam vets arnen't you? The war's
over pal.

BEIN
Ever use it to scratch your nose and you know?

PETER
OH GOD yeah, blood all over the place.

BEIN
Hah, hah, it's like thanks for the rain but I ordered salad.

PETER
IT's good for changing the channel over though.

All serious looks now.
BEIN
Friggin' life saver.

PETER
Anyway, where were we?

BEIN
We were fighting to the death, and...

PETER
Oh yeah.

HE headbutts bein unnanounced. Bein falls to the floor like a sack of spuds.

Camera pans around as peter faces the sun.

PETER
Now there's only one thing left to do.

Cut to
Int. Molten Metal Refinery. - Contiueing

Peter is hanging onto a chain above a pit of lava.

PETER
I must destroy the last remaining cop-u.
Lowe..

He notices something. Pan to side to reveal unknown looking dude by the controls crying.

PETER
Who the hell are you, you wern't in terminator 2?

UNKOWN GUY
I was in T3, I'm the modern day John.

PETER
Jesus, I mean, you sacrifice your life for the good of mankind
and they can't even get the original actor.
Screw it. Lower me in.

UNKNOWN
Crying uncontrollably

PETER
(Shaking his head) Friggin' Z stars.

Peter lowers slowly towards the lava.
Sweat starts to pour down his face faster and faster.

PETER
Hey this is getting pretty hot, and not in the
oh my god they're having a catfight kind of way.

He starts to squrm.

He tries to climb up the rope, but the sweat on his hands acts as a lubricant.

PETER
Save me superman!

His legs touch the lava, and he begins to melt

Cut.Fortress of Solitude - Continueing.

Super man is sat reading the paper. Lois is knitting.

The phone rings.

Wait a beat.

SUPERMAN
You gonna get that?

Lois shugs and continues nitting.

RING RING.

Wait a beat.

SUPERMAN
'Cos it could be important, you know, I am superman.

She continues to nit.

Wait a beat.

Superman's eyebrows drop.
He emits a gulf of fire from his eyes, lois burns uncontrollably.

SUPERMAN
Bitch.

Ext . Baseball pitch - Next Day.

Quagmire is at the mount, Joe is catcher, in his wheelchair and Cleveland is pitching.

Quagmire swings the bat band and fourth.

QUAGMIRE
I'm gonna screw this ball. Gaghiggidy.

His eyes open up. He notices something.

ANGLE:Switch to his POV.

There is a woman loading groccercies into her car, bending over to pick up the goods.

QUAGMIRE
Gahhiggidy higgidy.

UMPRE
Play ball.

QUAGMIRE
Wait what?

Switch to view of Cleveland.

He fast pitches the ball, quagmire unfocused takes a wild swing. Misses the ball and
hits Joe in the leg.

QUAGMIRE
Oh god joe. Are you ok?

JOE
Hah it's fine Quagmire. These puppies havn't felt a thing since
I was a cop on the NYPD beat.

CUT
Int.NYPD Blue headquaters - Some time ago.

Sifflowitz is sat looking at a perp, joe is sat beside him.

Siffowitz has four combs in his hair, hanging by threads.

SIFFOWITZ
You did it.

PERP
I , I don't know what you're talking about.

SIFFOWITZ
We have survillance footage of you commiting the crime.
You're lies have no place in the a place of god.

PERP
This is..this is a place of god?

SIFFOWITZ
I am god!

PERP
Bull(bleep)

Siffowitz clicks his fingers. And the cup of water on the tables turns from water to wine.

SIFFOWITZ
Oh yeah?

PERP
Like...ok WOW. Do it again.

SIFFOWITZ
I would but I get off on being withholding.

PERP
You must make a pretty lousy god.

Siffowitz eyes drop.

He clicks his finger.

Instally, the man's face and crotch switch places. Pants where he head should be, and his head in his lap looking up.

PERP
I can't wait to kiss britney hello! YEAH!

Ext.Ball park - Back to the present.

Peter pulls up and gets out. He is wearing the same custome Kevin Costner wore in Field of Dreams.

An angel appears beside.

ANGEL
Kevin?

PETER
Who?

ANGEL
Kevin Costner?

PETER
....Who?

Peter walks over to the mount.

PETER
Whose winning?

QUAGMIRE JOE
We don't keep score. WE ARE!

PETER
Well step backs boys. Peter the great is here.

He takes batting position.

PETER
Watch as I score the perfect home run.

The pitcher goes to throw.

Th ball is half way home when, a space shuttle lands on peter, paving him into the ground.

Cut to
Ext.Casablanca airport - Present day.

It's just like the famous closing scene in the movie, but present day.
Bogarde is replaced by a bronx man, and the woman is from new jersey.
Bogarde's friend is stood waiting behind him, a japanese man.
A concorde is in the background, furthering the change from past to modern day.

BRONX MAN
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
but some day we'll have that three way with lola.

WOMAN
I don't think I can leave.

BRONX MAN
Sure you can. We can all leave, coming
back's the hard part.

WOMAN
OK but we're having phone sex on the plane.

BRONX MAN
I already bought the lube.

WOMAN
Kthanxbye.

She walks away.

BRONX MAN (To japanese friend)
You know what, this could be the start of a
beautiful orgy.

Peter walks into shot, with chris beside him.

CHRIS
But I don't wanna get deprogrammed

PETER
You're a griffen. Griffens like woman.

CHRIS
What about the women?

PETER
Go to your room.


A man walks in the terminal, DR PHIL