Of Beginnings, and Endings

This is how I found, Love, and my Life, unlooked for, unexpected, but oh so appreciated.

Twelve years ago, I was on a road trip for my job, to a place I had been so often (Hawaii) that the inside of the hotel room, and my stack of books was far more attractive than the night-life offered, even with the company of the half dozen of my friends. I was convinced to accompany a gentleman to a bar, supposedly to lend moral support whilst he attempted to convince a certain lady of his charms

While sitting, unoccupied other than half-listening to some very bad karaoke, and reading my book, I noticed, far across the bar, coming in the back entrance, a redheaded lady, and a man, both dressed in very very casual clothes. Actually very bummy clothes. She proceeded up to the stage, and the gentleman set himself but two seats from me.

The woman sang like an angel, the song was 'Crazy' by Patsy Cline - I was entranced.

When she finished, she sat next to her date, but was next to me as well. We casually exchanged words, and then, to our amazement, four hours has passed, her date forgotten and left, and we continued the conversation with a walk on the Waikiki sand and moonlight. Nine days passed, and then, I returned home, and found that there was just no joy in the life I had built. I took two weeks vacation, and went back to her.

Then she took two and came back with me.

There were no thoughts of Great Romance, or no Trumpets, no Angels singing in the heavens, no doves descended, but, there was also, never a question of being apart.

We moved her things in July 26, 1994. Our first child, a daughter was born the next year, in June, and we married in September. Our son was born five years later. While nursing him, she had a breast lump misdiagnosed as a benign impacted lactating gland.

For another year, we went on, the four of us, Love Unlooked for, Love that was hard, and easy, terrible in the sense of Norse Gods and Ragnarok, and as loving and tender as Adam and Eve before the serpent. Love that was all that it should be.

Then the hidden spread of the cancer grew to a point where we knew there was something very wrong – and surgery showed that indeed, it was Stage IV or V already, and was on bone, liver and lung.

She fought, and lived, and loved for the four years. Then while we were at our Valentine’s Day Dinner, just this past February, after the food, the loving touches, and the pearls she loved so well, she said, “John, I have to go to the bathroom.” I of course said, “O.K. hun, I’ll be here…” she said,

“No John, I can’t feel my legs, and my feet won’t move. And I really have to go now.”

So I carried her to the restroom, and then I silently cried while she was behind the stall door, knowing that it had spread, finally, inevitably, to the interior of her CNS, inside and past the blood/brain barrier, onto and in her her spinal cord and brain, and now, she had only weeks to live.

She lived until just this past June 16th. Leaving behind an eleven year old daughter, Olivia, and a five year old son, Michael, and me, or rather, half of me, for she took her half with her.

She died well – as she lived, with life, and love on her lips and her heart bigger than a human should have. Over thirty families and friends came daily for the last months of her life; over one hundred friends and co-workers came to give comfort and love.

And today, it is 601AM, and I am still without her.

Her Name was Barbara-Ann and I always will be without her.

John P. Reed