dirty little secret

(INTRO)
They have no idea. The life we appear to be living and the life we actually are living are so far away from each other it’s almost impossible to see the connection between the two. This is our story. We’re 16 and under the influence,
our dirty little secret.




..for you I’d bleed myself dry..

(In Neci's Point of View)
“You’re not actually going to go, are you?”
“Well I don’t see why not.”
“I can give you a reason...”
“If you’re so worried about me then come with. But you do know that I can control myself.”
“I know you can control yourself, but it’s him I’m worried about.”
“Then come with! I’ll pick you up. Tell your dad you’re staying at my house. I’ll see you around 9 or so. Bye Kadin.”


This was the night I learned what real regret feels like. Kadin was right. But sometimes you have to have those regrets to make something worthwhile. Preston is my regret. He has some sort of power over me. No matter what I did I could never quite shake it. Even after two years of not speaking, I was still willing to do whatever I could to make him like me. Of course he never did. And nothing was ever enough, but I had to try. So here’s the story of my very first "booty call".

We arrived at about midnight. It was a pretty small get together, 5, maybe 6 people. They had was much more alcohol then we could drink, we gave it a try anyways. After 6 or 7 shots I stopped counting. The boy’s were amazed at how much my little body was consuming. My little body was surprised as well. This is when it gets fuzzy.

(Kadins Point Of View)
As I sat there, I thought to my self, “Neci is going to get her heart broken tonight.“Great” more shit for me to deal with. Well, she’s my best friend, and I gotta go with her. “We’re Drunks Together!” So I went against my better judgment and decided the hell with it and went. After all this was the guy she was crazy for, and I couldn’t be the one to get in the way of a good thing.

We showed up around midnight. Just a small party. They immediately pulled out the bottle of vodka that we had requested…true drinkers… We sat and played cards, getting to know everyone, and getting to know our limits. After quite a few shots, all the details started to get lost at the bottom of that empty bottle.

(Neci's Point of View)
Kadin is finally loosening up. It only took half a bottle of vodka. So we made our way to living room and took our seats on the couch. I don’t remember where Kadin was. I was concentrated on Preston. Even in this impaired state he was still beautiful. Next thing I know I’m in his bed. In a whirlwind of heat and drunken passion he got what he wanted. And me, well, I got what I deserved. Back in the kitchen we decided it was time to go. It was the end of the party but just the beginning of a brand new life.

(Kadins Point Of View)
The initial inebriation was great. Everything was going smoothly from what I could gather. Neci was getting what she came for, while I sat and chilled with the guys. I watched them smoke pot out of a pop can. While I sat there, I wondered where I was leading myself. But “fuck it.” This was the time to live. I was only 16, and still young and naive. Time to get the new me under construction. Then Neci came out and told me we had to go home. Time to end this night, and start a whole new chapter in my life.

(Neci's Point of View)
I didn’t speak to him again for three months. He said it was better that way. Better for who? Not me, I wanted to talk to him. I needed to. I didn’t know where I stood, but just one glance from him put me in my place. I never got over him, it was more like my feelings just laid dormant below the surface until a touch or glace or kiss brought them kicking and screaming back to life. In three months I changed. I can’t explain the change. It was an internal change, the kind of change that comes on so dramatically you can’t imagine being anything else. Kadin noticed but we never talked about it. Why should we? We didn’t talk then, we drank, we partied, we slept. The most meaningful conversation we had was after half a bottle of tequila. I don’t know if I changed for the better, all I know is that I’ll never be the same.

(Kadins point of view)
This was the beginning. It all evolved from that night. I began to party nonstop after that. I changed my life style in the space of a heartbeat. Everything was gone. It was all new, all different. This was a part of me I swore I could never forget. And I never did. The summer was just the beginning of the endless nights, the moment I wish I could forget, and the feelings I could never shake. The bottle, the boys, and my best friend was all I thought I would need. I lost my innocence at the bottom of a bottle and I knew I could never get it back. So this is how it went. This is how our summer turned out.