A Man For All Seasonings

A MAN FOR ALL SEASONINGS


Literatae Gastronomique, (Hdbk, $39.95, Accidental Publishing, Ltd.) is the collected works of Blanche Noir, one of the most sought-after contemporary menu writers working in the city. From the early days of hand-typing menu cards at Schlossman’s Deli, to being commissioned by Chez Merde, the exclusive midtown eatery to compose their table d’hote, it is the study of one attaining artistic self-expression through the description of food.

Our first example of Noir’s style is the simple, even innocent, rendering of Schlossman’s BLT:


BACON, LETTUCE AND TOMATO SANDWICH
Bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayo.


Unadorned yet lyrical. At the bottom of this same piece appears the much discussed bottom section of this same piece.


NO SUBSTITUTIONS!!!
Not responsible for lost articles.


With one stroke, Noir advances the concept of culinary rights, asserting his oneness and uniqueness within himself and within edible entities. The “lost articles” passage clearly reflects the author’s attempt not only to separate himself from the customers, i.e., the human race, ergo, life, but also not to have to give back any nice gloves he might have found.
Noir and Schlossman’s relationship came to an abrupt end when the two had a sharp disagreement over Freud’s conceptualization of women and how it pertains to coleslaw.
These were Noir’s salad days, as an adjunct English professor might put it after one too many strawberry daiquiris at the faculty Holiday party. Noir began freelancing—dessert lists, beverage cards, even advertising copy. During this period he wrote wine lists for Squalid, a seedy burlesque house:


BRIGETTE BORDEAUX
Playful and sassy, with an exotic quality that only leaves you wanting more.

MARILYN MERLOT
Legendary body, climaxing in an intense finish.
Cigarette optional.


Noir’s talents did not go unnoticed and he was soon in the employ of The Bare Bone, a short-lived existentialist diner. The primary goal of “The Bone” was to express the utter solitude and hopelessness of existence in terms of tasty menu items:


HAM AND SWISS ENNUI
Wheat bread, despair, ham, angst, Swiss.

THE NAKED LUNCH
A handful of undressed greens, just enough to prolong your meaningless life one more day.


The “ennui” passage is remarkable because of its blatant tomato omission, which serves as a grim reminder of our own mortality.
The next stage of Noir’s development was a stint with La Casa de la Cucaracha, which serves south of the border cuisine that has been formed and sculpted to resemble famous works of art. Para ejemplo:


SOFT TACO WITH BOILED BEANS:
A PREMONITION OF SPANICH RICE
A representation of Dali’s masterwork, with the same dark foreboding, the same terrible beauty, but also with guacamole.


In Trite Hackneyed’s review for “Befuddlement” magazine, he writes:


“Blanche Noir’s ‘Soft Taco with Boiled
Beans’ is a passage of rare depth and thought that forces us to question many things. Is Knowledge really knowable, or are our perceptions merely an elaborate belief system? Is ‘reality’ simply what
we all agree we’re seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling at the same time? Why can’t my son Sidney meet a nice girl and settle down? What’s wrong with him? And why do they call them ‘flights’ of stairs? They don’t fly anywhere.”


Mr. Hackneyed’s views are insightful indeed, but if he is suggesting that this piece is questioning the nature of reality in an ontological or even phenomenological context in an a priori scheme or rationale, he has got to be kidding. Clearly, existence (Being) derives its essence (Essence) not from a model system of thought laden with hollow profundities and doublespeak truisms, but from the fact that we’re all here.
Noir has graduated to composing full-time for Chez Merde, known for its frightfully overpriced dinners. The menus at this posh establishment are so beauteous to behold and so enticing to read, that some hungry patrons, unable to control themselves, devour them on the spot.



POIVE DE BEOUF BEARNAISE
The most acculturated, most sensitive, filets of beef available anywhere. All prospective donor cattle are continuously petted and fussed over, and have poetry read to them from a young age. These fortunate bovine enjoy repose and the arts until they attain complete self-enlightenment, whereupon they are lovingly hand-slaughtered by jovial, singing workmen in period costume. Our
chef then conveys to you, with the utmost care, the only true happiness one human being can bestow upon another, a mouthful of seared, still warm, animal flesh.



Literatae Gastronomique is a tome of varied intensities, a must read for anyone who eats. As Noir himself writes in his autobiography, “Thus Spake Zucchini, Confessions of a Squash”, regarding the pressures and loneliness of the writing profession, “I feel the oppressiveness of existence smothering me, suffocating me, like a sepulchral shroud. Either that or I have a head cold.”