Girl with the raven hair

Sitting here having another shot of Southern Comfort, I’m reminded of the first time I ever drank. Almost 16, not a virgin anymore and alone with a friend and a one litre bottle of tequila. We drank the entire thing and spent the next day in agony. Even now I still have no idea of just what transpired between Craig and I. all that we remember is starting to drink and then waking up the next day completely naked in his parents bed. Most people would be shocked but for the two of us, it was a usual occurrence. At least the sex was.

My name, as you may have guessed, is Ella. I’m a fairly normal girl in my early twenties and after an “interesting” time at university, I have been encouraged to sit down and tell you about my life. To take the normal route, I was born, I was raised, my parents divorced when I was around 2ish and my mother remarried when I was 4. At school I was bullied and picked on horrendously. College passed much the same and university; well I’m saving uni for a chapter all of its own. The first thing I want to talk about is me from the age of 14-16.

Like I said before, I was bullied at school. Being a girl of over average weight, I found it hard to be accepted and hid away with all the other outcasts. As it turned out, I was the only girl in a group of nine guys. I tried smoking at 14 and loved it. By 15 I was on around 35 a day. It was around then I decided that I didn’t want to be a virgin anymore. At the time I was in the music room at school with Craig, so I decided to experiment. I told him straight that I wanted to have sex with him. Being my best friend, he obliged me and we got to it. Looking at it now, it was a rubbish introduction to the pleasure of sex. Craig wasn’t exactly thin and as I lay there on my back, all I could really focus on was the blue tack on the ceiling.

From that day, Craig and I entered into a relationship of sorts. I loved him, I know he loved me. But I needed something else. I realised that I had a problem when I seduced Will. From there I moved onto all seven of my other friends. None of them knew that I was sleeping with all of them. I feel like a whore even now, and when I’m in a relationship, I’m utterly faithful. But at the time, I felt like I was being an adult. A young girl discovering just how to use her body to her advantage.

When it came to leave school, Craig begged me to marry him. I was so fucking cruel to him. I just turned my back and walked away. After that, things between us became even more intense. When he took me to bed, I honestly thought I could die. Then one day he just packed up and left. I never heard from him again. That was it – the end of my first real love affair and I never even got to say goodbye.

At the moment I’m smoking my 40th cigarette of the day and it’s only 11:06am GMT. My friends tell me I should quit. Fuck what they think, I’ll quit when I’m dead. Dragging up my memories is harder than i thought. I'll have to do it more often.

This was my introduction to myself. Read my story, judge me if you will. I will write more when I have the time. So from me, Ella, I bid you a fond farewell and hope to speak to you again soon.