Nonsence 4: Orcs In Space

Adaptation of a text from an orcish history schoolbook, 5-th grade. The text book was printed in 2135 by the Horde Publishing House.

It was the future.
As everyone knows, the future means sci-fi stuff, lasers, spaceships and aliens. Basically, orcs wouldn't want to miss any of it and so they didn't. Once humans build their first space shuttle and drifted away, the horde had their lead mages work on a flying dragon or whatever that would take it after their rivals. Mages did not succeed, however, creating a couple of big cosmic elephants and a space turtle, which all flew away and never came back. Mages were beheaded and other solutions searched for.
Other solutions included stealing some schemes from human scientists and creating an orcish version of a spaceship. By that time it was a well known fact that a small human base was established on Daramina, a far away planet with unfriendly enviroment and climate.
The warchiefs decided to send the strong Dulup Hole horde to Daramina and kick humans out of their base.
However, most of the horde fell sick and it was a big question whether they would be up for the big battle. Indeed, can you imagine twelve hundred orcs in a space shuttle when they are more used to the steady ground beneath their feet?
-I don't get it, - said Gulper, slowly walking the cold metal floor and grabbing the wall as if afraid to fall, - wasn't it supposed to be Christmas or something? What are we doing here? We'll never get back before spring. And that means - no Christmas gifts! I hate this weightlessness...
-Oh, bugger, - nodded Slything and was suddenly pulled in by a door in the wall. Gulper stood there for some time and then just stumped on.
Slything found himself in the machine room. For some reason, walking here seemed to be easier and he didn't feel that sick anymore. Actually, he felt rather happy among all these mysterious devices with colored buttons on control boards, monitors, tubes and engines. He noticed a lever, gripped it and pulled up.
There was a blinding flash and Slything was thrown against the far wall. He passed out and came to consciousness only a few minutes later. He strongly felt that something had changed. After a while, it seemed obvious that the ship was travelling with a much faster speed. Desiring to fix his mistake, Slything pushed the lever back down, but it turned out to be the wrong lever and there was another flash and another blow, which threw the orc out of the machine room back into the corridor.
Slything landed straight upon Gulper, who almost reached the end of the corridor, but was pulled back by blows which shook the whole spaceship.
-I don't get it, - said Gulper, trying to get from under his mate. - I thought it was going to be a nice trip, like those on normal ships. How come I can't get to the pub the second day?
The pub was lovingly called "Pig and Whistle" with a nostalgic design to it. The ship's corridor system was a large maze and locating the pub while being sick was not a trivial task.
The visitors of the pub were just climbing back onto their chairs, looking around. The blows from the machine room alerted the chief engineer, who located his mug and was beginning to think that it may be a good idea to start thinking of heading to the machine room and checking it all out.
Meanwhile, brother pilots Jamz and Blurpz looked hard into illuminators, watching stars and galaxies pass by with an enormous speed. Something was definetely wrong.
-Chucker, Chucker, what's up in the machine room? - said Jamz into the microphone, at the same time reaching out to scratch his back.
-Yeah, I'm in charge of the machine room, - there came a reply.
-Wazzup, Chukman? Any problems?
-Why?
-We're out of known speeds, man - look out the windows!
-I'm in the "Pig and Whistle", Jamz, and I ain't got no mood for your dumb riddles.
-Okay. - Jamz passed the mic to his brother.
-Chucker? - said he.
-Is that you, Blurpz?
-Yeah, that's me, you lazy ass! Get your fat bottom into the machine room and I'm waiting for your damn report in two minutes!
-Alright, boss!
-I'm not kidding, Chucker! If you don't hurry up, we'll all go to hell! We're flying at a damn high speed!
Chucker woke up at last, threw his mug away and started for the machine room.
Meanwhile, Gulper and Slything got lost absolutely and were on their way to the G section, which was especially designed to store packs of garbage and throw them into outer space at regular intervals.
-Hey, look! It is a G Section! - exclaimed Gulper, looking at stairs leading down.
-Yeah? - asked Slything.
-G must stand for...
-Um?
-Well, it must stand for something. Like 'grav'. - Gulper wasn't exactly sure what 'grav' meant, but in his mind it had a most positive association.
-Okay, - he said, pushing Slything before him, - go and see what's down there.
Slything obeyed.
Nobody knows what chain of amazing events took place, but two minutes later both Slything and Gulper were packed into a transparent garbage bag and pushed outside by a robotic hand.
-I am not sure things took the right turn, - said Gulper thoughtfully and Slything nodded.
Slowly, the bag started drifting away from the spaceship. While doing that, it gave it's prisoners a hope of being saved by gracefully travelling across the "Pig and Whistle" windows.
-Guys, guys! This is us! - yelled Gulper, with Slything echoing his cries. Actually, both felt a certain amount of pride, regarding their adventurous situation.
The ship inhabitants, however, were preoccupied with other things. By the time Chucker made it to the door, everyone grew on a panic, for Chucker fleeding from a pub is indeed a strange and suspicious sign.
The other problem was the invasion, which took place on an opposite side of the ship. It was held by two purple creatures, who laserbeamed through the metal wall and let in a couple of hundred rats. Rats weren't real, but mere robot models with knives in their mouths. At first the orcs didn't understand a thing and about fifty of them were killed. At last they realized that it wasn't a hawks and a real battle started.
Jamz tried to contact Chucker once more, but it was no use - the chief engineer got lost and was somewhere in the corridors, swiftly going the wrong way.
Blurpz tried to be patient:
-Chuckman!
-Yo.
-The monitor shows you are on the wrong track.
-Okay.
A pause.
Blurpz:
-Chucker! Turn around, dammit!
-Okay, Blurpz, it wasn't me who dated Suzy. It was Ricky. Get of my back, man!
-If you won't get your damn ass into the machine room, we'll all die, you freak!
-It's gonna happen if it's gonna happen. Nothing's gonna happen if it's not gonna happen, Blurpz.
-Okay, - said Jamz, switching off the microphone. - I'll venture there myself. Gimme the map.
-Who was that asshole who designed this ship? - murmured Blurpz while searching in his desk. - Here you go... Hey, what's that?
He saw two orks in the illuminator. They seemed to be travelling across outer space in a garbage bag.
-Jamz!
But his brother was already on his way, bumping into corners and shut doors. Soon enough Jamz discovered that the same asshole who designed the ship must have designed the map too, for some time later he found himself in an unknown part of the ship. According to the map, most of the ship was composed out of yet unexplored parts.
Meanwhile, the rat army experienced problems and half of it was destroyed and the other half ran away deeper into the ship. The third half, though, managed to kill a couple of orcs and fled through the hole in the wall. Later that hole in the wall was solemnly called The Hole In The Wall and under that solemn name figures in orcish history books to the present day.
Ricky led a rescue team that followed rats, but both the rats and the rescue team got lost in the endless corridor maze. They were followed by a team of wooden siege tanks, 235 archers carrying 3157 bows, 6 dragon riders, 1 dragon, a warchief, a second in command chief, a third in command chief, a fourth in command chief and a demolition squad consisting of 5 people, all inevitably confused by the system of corridors and lost. Seventy four years later a dragon with a very old orc on top of it was seen in the Y section, but nobody knows whether it was the same dragon.
Gulper and Slything silently watched their ship shrink into a dot as they swiftly flew away from it. Now all they could see around were far away stars and dark emptiness.
-I don't get it, - said Gulper. - I thought that every flying device should have a control board. How come this one doesn't?
-Because it is a garbage bag? - suggested Slything.
-No, you dummy! - shouted Gulper, slapping Slything and making him rotate and push the walls of the bag. That made the bag change it's direction.
-Alright! - said Gulper. - You see, mate, everything can be controlled once you take time to think.
And he started slapping Slything around, making the bag change it's trajectory every second. Eventually, the garbage bag turned towards the ship and three hours later got in through The Hole In The Wall.
Later there was even an Institute created which calculated facteur de probabilite of such a movement and an algorithm of Correct Slapping. A popular method called Slapping Optimization is used in orcish shuttles to this very day.
But let's get back to our story.
Two purple creatures organized the third half of the rat army and entered the ship once more. They ventured deep into the ship and got lost.
That same minute Blurpz was on the mic, helping Jamz to get to the machine room. Soon Jamz got there and found Chucker inside.
-How did you get here without a map? - exclaimed Jamz.
-I didn't get here, - said Chucker calmly.
-What?
-I was brought here.
-By whom?
-By THEM.
Jamz turned his head to where Chucker was pointing and a scream of horror came out of his throat.
Blurpz, blown away by this, was alarmed deeply:
-Wazzup, bruda?
-...
-Bruda?
A weak voice replied:
-Blurpz, THEY are inside the ship.
-Who?
-THEY.
-Oh.
Blurpz scratched his head. It was obvious he didn't know what to do.
-And what do THEY want?
Now it was Jamz's turn to be confused.
-Hell knows, - he answered and turned to Chucker:
-What do THEY want?
-THEY want NOTHING.
-Do we have that?
-NO.
A heavy blow shook the ship and everyone lost their balance, falling down and making much noise. The main engines also seemed to be damaged by this. The second blow tossed one of the engines through the wall into the conditioner system and the third blow finished the engines off completely.
The ship stopped.
Gulper was looking at the ceiling and philosophizing, with Slything nodding to him. Both were under tonns of metal debris, but still calm and brave as they are.
Jamz and Chucker slowly made it to their feet and found out that THEY were gone.
But noone knew what happened except for Blurpz, who saw the first cosmic elephant land onto the ship, then the second and at last a turtle. Giant animals slowly travelled the outer walls of the ship untill some time later they all fell inside through The Hole In The Wall and got lost in the maze.
That, boys and girls, is a true story of what happened to the first space enterprise of the orcs. Later the ship was remade into an unofficial space station "Dulup Hole".
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