10/1/2000

you know never did I expect to go through the stuff that I've been through, but that's a part of life's plan, to take you through a lot of twist and turns. I always knew that eventually and dreamed that there would be a day to come, when I would experience happiness and inner peace and just plainly be at one. Day after day, I just took life for granted, thinking that if I lived for the day and for that moment that it would not be so dramatic. It didn't work out that way not by a long shot. Along life's little journey I found many jagged edges, picked up many bruises. Worst of all I found that there is no one on this earth that would show lme any other way. I now believe that this place here is a living fiery Hell. For the reason why I'm here, I can not even tell. Perhaps something along my way, maybe even in another lifetime I screwed up so bad, and now carry this karma of mine. Around every corner that I have turned, I've noticed that the scenes may changed but the atmosphere is still the same. So many people, though I chose to keep a few, in which I have called my friends have done nothing but use me as a tool. For whatever purpose and for whatever reason, time and time again, I go through this same thing each and every season. No matter how many years would pass, I just keep getting blast. If I can't trust anyone, If I can't respect anyone, then why am I here? What is my purpose? I seek help from beyond this realm, and hold secret prayers hoping that it will break this spell. Why am I a target? What is it that I have done? Except be born an only child, but belong to noone. I have tried to be as strong as I can be and block all this stuff out, but someone somewhere starts up some trouble, and I'm in the middle, but don't know what it's about. Is this how I'm destined to be? Is this how my life will always be? Overwhelming hatred and animosity? Nothing has gone right, yet everything has gone wrong. When will it be the beginning of a brand new dawn? I have love in my heart, but I'm afraid to let go, and when I finally do, then I get hit with a hard blow. Why can't anybody hear me screaming for help? Or is it that nobody really cares about me except for what they can get for themselves? What do I need to do in order to break loose? I'm tired of hearing the same lines and people pretending it's the truth. I want to end it all, but I know I can't do that. I want to just go away, and never come back. It's not just once in a while that I feel this way, it's just the fact that I can't block it and make everything seem okay. Now again I'm faced with another decision, which I ask myself to keep it or just let it go away. How could I do that again, I don't know, I'm not sure. It's not something that I want to do, but the other half has me tore. God, why? What is this thing that you have given to me? It isn't a blessing, it's nore of an enemy. This life that I now live, won't you just take it back, so I don't have to hurt anymore and keep falling on my back..........