I'm Sorry

I'm Sorry

She clutched that dog as if she thought all hell might break loose if she ever thought of letting go.

Silence filled the car, but I didn't care. I was not going to trust myself with words. I was afraid that if I even tried to talk, I would cry. Because all I wanted to do was lay my head down and sob. Crying is something best done in private, where you know you are safe. Crying is not meant to be done in your car with the company of your mother. Oh no.
This should not be happening, cannot be happening.

She loosened her grip and pushed the dog lightly back into his kennel. She stared the dog in the eye, her mouth moving, but no audible sound escaping the pale lips. But there must have been something comforting or sad. Maybe both. The dog's tail thumped lightly and his head nodded slowly. Whatever she said...he understood without a doubt.

We were approaching the place where my baby would be forced to stay. My mom kept making these awful sob noises. It sickened me. He's my boy, not hers. She didn't feel the same way about him. No one could ever feel the same way.
It took me a moment to realize the car had stopped moving. We were there; this was the ultimate challenge. The ultimate worst challenge I had ever been through. And I had been through more than this.

The look in her eyes was pained. Too pained for such a young girl. Her face told no lies; you could see every heartache she had ever been through. But this had obviously hit her too hard; this was just vindictive. She stumbled as she got up from the dog, her hand lingering upon the furry head.

I grabbed my boy from the back-seat and pulled him out of the silver Neon. He stumbled on quivering legs. He knew something was up, he knew my heart was slowly cracking, that every emotion I had was about to break loose. I gave him a hug and walked him inside.
"This is Mac, then, right?" came a soft voice. It was a man, about thirty-five. His eyes looked almost as tired as I felt, which was astounding. I gave a feeble nod before my mom could say anything. I didn't feel like listening to her ramble. Not right now. He reached over to take the Mac's leash from me, but I stepped back.
"I think he'd be better off walking with me," I said, my voice wavering. Ugh. But the man nodded. He understood. Or else he was too preoccupied to pay me any mind. Either way, I was grateful.
I led Mac to a kennel. Mom followed, walking really slow. God, everything she did was bugging me. Everything, especially today. Today was her day to actually be a parent; she needed to try and live up to her title for once. Like she did a few years ago. But no. It never works like that any more. I'm the strong one, I'm the brave one.

But what happens to us when I can no longer soften the hits life gives us?

Mac was whining something awful. Poor baby. His eyes, God his deep brown eyes. They looked so terrified, so lost. His hurt was what was stabbing my chest. You aren’t supposed to let anyone feel that way; lost. Let down. Alone. But here I was, leaving my dear friend in this terrible position.
I slip my hand into his now-locked kennel. "S'okay, baby," I whisper, trying to make the lie sound convincing. Tears gathered in my eyes. It’s not okay. It can’t possibly be okay. I was losing my best friend. My only true friend.
This isn't fair.
Yeah. No one ever told me life would be fair.
But I don't recall asking anyone for a life.

She sat with that mutt for hours. Sitting there, staring at him with the most pitiful eyes. Whispering words of comfort now and then. People stared at her as she sat on the floor beside the dog’s kennel, as she wiped desperate tears from her blue eyes. Hearts were slowly breaking right before everyone’s eyes, and the show was not a very blissful one.
She opened his kennel before she left. Gave him a huge hug. One last hug. As she shut the kennel door, she looked that dog deep into the eyes, soft tears streaming . She could just barely be heard saying;
"When I look into your trusting eyes and see how scared you are, I can taste your fear. See your confusion. I feel your love. I want so badly to tell you that everything will be fine, that everything will work out...but the only words that can pass by my lips truthfully are I'm sorry..."

I love my babies. Bandit and Aurora. I'll always remember you.