I'm writing this as I read it, or else it won't be legit.
The poem to open it almost had me clicking out. I don't like prologues or any other trick to drag the reader in. Maybe that was harsh, but this did say it was for YA and that just seems like a proglogue to me and non-indie or self-publishers seen to despise prologues as lazy writing.
Okay I'm going to stop now, I didn't realize this was a book of prose for YA, of which I have no experience and have read nothing YA that resembles it. Doesn't mean it doesn't exist or have a market, I'm just unfamiliar with it.
Good luck.
This would be so much better with a few paragraph breaks.
I really enjoyed the story, but then I love all supernatural! I am confused though, is she a ghost, a werewolf, a vampire or an evil fairy? Sorry just read the last three sentences again, that paragraph break thing, she is a sacrifice for a vampire. Delicious!
I drank the water then got up and walked into my small bathroom, and looked in the mirror hell I looked a right mess. Grammer issues here. Maybe cut out the drinking, more showing, less telling...
Walking into my small bathroom, I caught my reflection in the mirror, hell, I looked a right mess.
Stick to one subject per paragraph. Once you change, start a new paragraph. This sounds like a YA story and shorter sentences are paragraphs are essential. I'll check it out again when you've edited.
Your work is very well written and I think you captured the voice of a god. I only write YA and Urban Fantasy so take my comments lightly.
Your paragraphs are all easily followed until the megadong in the middle. My eyes got tired trying to follow it, can you break it up a little?
As I said, high fantasy is not my thing, so maybe that's necessary for voice. Good luck, sounds interesting.
I'm assuming this is a YA story. The beginning is too convoluted, break up the first paragraph and start with less cliche opening sentence. Something catchy to keep them going.
Paragraph two, too much telling and not enough showing. If you must keep the conversation between her and her mother, turn it into dialogue.
Describing their dinner takes away from the story, and again too much telling.
The story reads okay, needs much shorter paragraphs. But you have a spooky voice, NICE.
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