Beautiful and hilarious! Thanks for sharing this. I think this is a sotry that everyone can relate to, and God only my younger cousins have said equally crazy things. I can't think of a single criticism to make, other than to keep up the quality! This could easily been a snoozer if poorly written, but you had me scrolling with bated breath.
POWERFUL use of metaphor, my friend. I loved your description as the building as a mannequin. As I read, it felt very noir-ish to me, whether that's my interpretation or the intent, I'm not sure, but I liked it a lot. You really sucked me in, I felt what you were feeling and it really elicited emotion within me. Great stuff, thank you!
Nice pacing. I also enjoyed the rhyme scheme, which didn't feel forced one bit. Most of all, I like the cyclical feel of your poem. As you took me through each verse I felt a rising and falling, hoping for an answer. When I reached the end, it seemed as if the poem had circled back upon itself, ready to start anew at the beginning, much like the circular storytelling of the classic rock song "All Along the Watchtower".
Very powerful, thank you for posting. As I read your poem, I really appreciated your use of similes and metaphors (ie. circling like a shark, flourishing like weeds). Good job! If I had a suggestion, albeit a simple one, experiment with using a variety of words to get your point across. The theme of your work (and the title) is Darkness, but you don't have to reiterate it in the work in order to convey it. As I read your poem, I FELT the Darkness, and still would have without even reading the word in the text.
All in all, excellent work, and I look forward to seeing more work from you.
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