Dear Sum 1!
This is a really sad and touching piece. To wait for so long for a loved one to awake, to respond... And to part with a final affirmation of love is a very touching way to go.
You know, I work as a nurse in a rehabilitation ward. Or so it's called, but many of our patients are "veggies" and their loved still call on a daily basis to see if there's been some change, not all selfless.
So, I'm glad for the hero of this story that his feelings were genuine and I wish you luck in writing more on this touching subject.
I have to be honest: there are things that I liked in your story, and things I believe require correction.
I have liked the description about what life with pain is, the need to find a reason and the heroine's understanding that being without pain can be just as bad.
What I find amiss is the explanation on why the heroine is in prison. Also, it feels like there are two stories there- the boy without pain and the woman in pain, but while the story of the boy is complete, the main character's story isn't so, since there's no explanation on why she's in pain, why she's in prison, why she's a single mother and many other small details, that could, even implied, improve the story manyfolds.
But it was a good start for someone who just started writing. Try to be more organized in character forming and you'll do well.
Just like all love stories, this one is sad. It was well written, with clear narrative and a complete plot, the characters well defined and complete.
I feel the strong need to find the father character and drive things home for him, but that's the downside of readng a story- there's nothing you can do to change it. I'm also feeling very sad for Jack's child, wherever the poor soul is at during hte story.
A bit of criticism: a comment on your choice of summary. I don't feel it truly summarize the plot, since at the end, the question arizes whether it's truly his love Jack protects, or does he end things to protect himself from sorrow? The issue of suicide rings strongly- as Jack first tries to take his life with a gun, then by using the judicial system. He finally got to die at the end, but this is a success I can't rejoice for.
"And the song ended with a prayer that in the afterlive those two will be allowed to see eachother."- Semenova, "Volkodav".
The only owrds I can say about this poem is "how remarcably true". Ever since childhood, they boys are expected not to cry, to help women with bags and practically forced into their social role. Therefore, they have little time to actually be children.
Howwever, just as you said, the child inside struggles to survive. I do believe that is the reason why so many men join the army- to be with their peers and despite the scary situations to be with other men and to be true to themselves.
The simple words and structure of your poem add well ot the point you try to pass, fitting to a somewhat younger age. A good message easy to understand. That by itself makes your work a good one.
Never let go of this boy
And do allow me to finish this review with a somewhat lewd joke:
"What do toy trains and mother's breasts have in common?
They are both menat for the baby, but it's the dad that ends up playing with them" :)
It seems that the cat has ran you into the ground when he was young. I wonder what his temper is like now.
I do like the structure of your poem, with apparent cycle of cat activity, however, and this is my opinion solely, don't feel insulted or something, that there was a bit more place to uncover the character of the cat.
However, the final part, where everyone cat nap as a result of the kit's behavior is an amusing one and it creates a lovely image.
Sincerely yours,
C. P.
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