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18 Public Reviews Given
19 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Impulse Control  Open in new Window.
Review by tutu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Review:

2 Paragraph, 1st line:

"Daisy was walking towards the new buildings in her country, when she felt like her legs are directing her to stay away the new buildings,(...)"

It's 'were' past tense.

or change the sentence to something that expresses the idea better, like:
"(...)the legs didn't want to move," or "I felt that i had to stay away from the buildings"

Same paragraph, 2nd line:

"She felt danger, yet the desire to go inside was stronger, than her own.She tried to fight, she tried to flee, but nothing worked her legs were walking on their own."

Suggestion: change it to: "She could feel danger; Although, controlled by impulse she was unable to run." - minimalist idea

or

"She could feel danger; Although, against her will, she could not resist her own curiosity, and her legs, seemed to have a mind of their own for the walked her right in. Once inside, (...)"


I just noticed that this text was written in 2010... no modifications since.

You write your sentences in the present and past at the same time. I would suggest you to write everything in the past since most of story is written in the past.

I would advice you, too, since 3 years have passed, for you to reread your story and find ways to improve it.

In the Second Paragraph you are constantly repeating the idea that she can't control her impulses. you don't need to write or expressed it in every single line.


2
2
Review of Bitter-sour  Open in new Window.
Review by tutu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
YOU make a lemonade!

:P
3
3
Review of Leaving home  Open in new Window.
Review by tutu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

Good work. For someone with little time to improve your writing skills, you at least started. ;)

Read your poem again, with calm.

You'll notice, in the beginning, an extra 'the' that is not necessary.

"of the place the where I grew up," - Can you see it?

AND missed an 's' on togetherness:

"An end to the years of toghethernes"

AND you made a rookie mistake here:

"..and hers.."
You use '...' always and not '..' or '....'.

The structure needs to be consistent throughout the piece.

a sonnet for example as the following structure:

"
a
b
b
a

a
b
b
a

c
d
e

c
d
e
"

while a poem is different. Its structure looks like this - example:

"
a
b
a
b

a
b
a
b

"

It can change, but usually follows the same pattern.

I have to say that it does not sound like a poem. Hey! You wrote it, be proud of yourself. :)




Don't feel bad, keep writing ;) and do some research online to find out more.

here's an example of a poem should be written and you'll notice as you read it out loud how a poem sounds.

"
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
You may for ever tarry.

by Robert Wallace, HarperCollins 1991

"

Josué Ferreira

4
4
Review by tutu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I won't say anything about the content or style or anything else related to the text.

All I've to say is: If you find writing therapeutic, peaceful, then keep writing and don't let your troubles stop you from doing it.

May peace and calmness be upon you.
5
5
Review of I Remember You  Open in new Window.
Review by tutu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
sweet and touching, Love your words... never lost anyone like you did, but the way you feel when you lose someone that you love more than you can even imagine, more than life can comprehend... it hurts, it really does... you've my 5 stars for everything, from the words to the feelings.

I hope to read more of your words :)


Xdoe
6
6
Review of I Have No Fear  Open in new Window.
Review by tutu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Your piece is repetitive, the message is nice and I think that its something really brave to do, fearless is cool. You might want to explore different ways to express yourself fearless attitude about life "you can breath you can fight" - tekken 2010


If you change your piece or write a new one, let me read i

Xdoe
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