I absolutely love the way this poem flows together, and I love that you use the same closing line for each verse. I love the line, "forever is a day, longing for tomorrow". This is a really pretty poem. I don't think that the summary part should say, "watching her walk away and can't do a thing about it", because doesn't the line "forever is a day, longing for tomorrow" suggest that she'll be back tomorrow? I would make that the summary line. This is just my opinion.
You did a great job on this poem! I just came across it and after reading it, I couldn't stop myself from sending a review to tell you how much I enjoyed reading it. I loved the line, 'Gone are you and those days, too,' It sounds very catchy.
This is amazing! You did a great job; I love the words that you used, how they flow. I love the meaning behind this poem, or at least what it seems to mean to me. I do have one suggestion; maybe you could try using periods and semicolons. I think that it helps to let the reader know how the poem is supposed to flow. Also, you shouldn't capitalize words after commas unless they are proper nouns.
This is an awesome poem! I love the descriptive words that you use. I love the imagery that ensues as I read those words. I noticed no mistakes; none really stuck out to me, so I have nothing to say on that topic. Maybe it's just me who didn't understand it correctly, but I got a little confused at the end of the poem. You said:
"Now arrives a new determination-
overcoming separation, a fear
so overwhelming; it scorches like fire.
Still, I feel it, that potent fire.
I feel it everyday, and I cry.
There still may be things we fear,
but now it's assuaged by your hugs.
I now have a new determination:
preserving our love."
You repeated the fact that you have a new determination twice. I would try to fix it so that you only say it once. Also, you repeat the word determination a lot throughout the poem. Try to find another word that means the same thing to replace it every now and then. It gets a little boring to the reader to have to read the same thing over and over again.
This is a great piece. The imagery and the words you used kept me reading, wanting to find out more. I definitely did not expect the ending. I noticed one mistake that can easily be fixed. You say, "faces moved past", but the word past means that something has happened before; It's in the past. I would either change the word to 'passed' or 'by'. Your decision whether you would like to fix or not.
The only thing that I can say about this poem is... "Wow!" I love the imagery that it gives me personally; a girl looking upon her peers, wishing that she had someone to spend the holidays with and go to dinner with, but she's all alone. She lays down in bed, covers herself up, and drifts off to sleep, hoping to dream of a happier place. I can find zero flaws in this piece. You're a brilliant writer; keep it up!
This was a really good piece. I could picture the character lying "broken in the sodden grass". I could picture him/her "frozen in fear, in disgust, in shame" as his/her time slowly tick-tocked to an ending. You did a great job with the imagery!
When you said that he/she was "afraid to move in case they returned," I was under the impression that you were talking about people, however I was surprised to find that you were talking about nightmares, which was my favorite part of the passage, though the closing sentence confused my conclusion of what you were speaking of. Is the character afraid that men will come back or that his/her nightmares will come back?
I noticed one mistake that you made. You said: "their muffled voices carried on the wind in whispers." In my opinion, it should read: "their muffled voices carried IN the wind in whispers." This isn't really such a big deal. It works fine the way that you worded it.
This poem is incredible. The imagery is vivid. I got a great picture as I read along. Another thing, I didn't want to stop reading. The words you used just made it so much more better that I wished it wouldn't end. What I got from this poem is someone trying to get home, to Heaven, and having to wait for his time before He is ready to bring him home. I could've gotten it all wrong, but that was my interpretation.
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