Cool! 2nd para: 'I'm not going nowhere" makes less sense when your next sentence is, " I had 364 horses. . ." a statement that should go last. sentence structure?: Use one word description for impact; instead of' my final consequence' try fate. Using comma's are necessary and tricky with shorties, but sentence structure helps move the story as well. Doing 45 in a 70 and getting killed begs the question how fast where you going when you throttled the gas? the beauty of writing shorties is, each short sentence has to have impact and periods provide impact: I stayed inside. colorful phrases also help visualize the story 'Squeezed the trigger' instead of trigger depressed. the last scene with the man behind the shield should be restructured for clarity. Happy writing!
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