I'm really glad that this was under 100 words otherwise I might have blacked out from holding my breath, haha.
I am not claustrophobic myself so I found it refreshing when this story gave me a glimpse of what it's like - not pleasant at all. This story employs a form of internal monologue, or stream of conciousness. You described the smothering of the speaker really well - the repeptition of "grind" really stands out in such a short passage and emphasizes the suffocating surroundings as being incessantly painful and unpleasant. Upon exiting the caterpillar, the speaker struggles to breathe but is unable to do so, the result from being trapped for so long under stifling conditions.
This was such a great read! The humor was well delivered and the story was very easy to understand overall. I could relate to Jerry's frustration completely (I have had such happenings myself when waiting to check out my groceries). The highlights of your story, for me, were:
"Batteries and dog food? You needed to write a check for that? What the hell? Why couldn't you just carry cash?"
That was the first part of your story that made me laugh aloud. Jerry's internal dialogue is really what makes most of this fun to read.
"What had been a two way exchange of transactional pleasantry became a three way exchange of molasses-covered light and sound."
A very well written sentence! I love the metaphor of the molasses - it artfully emphasizes the slow speed of the transaction.
"At last, as the lanes to the left and right took on the semblance...declaring that none would pass"
This paragraph really presented the comedy of your story well. While describing the slow process of the transaction, the speaker depicts the situation in such a way that the reader can not help but sympathize with the poor man and his situation.
"Jerry's body and face became immobile, trapping his mind within the statue of...stars themselves began to tremble with the resonance of his screaming."
I would say that this paragraph is this story's defining moment. The imagery not only described Jerry's unimaginable frustration but it was also portrayed on such a scale that it was absolutely hilarious!
“You were very excited. Had to wipe your memory clean of the whole event. Too much excitement.”
I laughed aloud while I was reading your short story on a computer in the library. I got a "shh" from the person next to me, but what the heck, a great piece of dialogue deserves a good laugh
When I read the beginning of your story, the first part confused me a bit. First, I thought happy cows was a brand. It took me a while to realize the speaker was talking about the mammal that was unhappy. Then there was the sudden appearance of a man recommending another product. I thought he was a store clerk or something. But this was also cleared up by your dialogue later on so it wasn't an issue by the time I'd finished reading.
I rarely read stories that are predominantly dialogue because I find it hard to discern one character from another. Yet your dialogue gives each character a distinct personality so that I was following quite easily most of the time.
I loved the banter between the two characters and the moment when the sales clerk interjects in their dialogue, I laughed because it reminded me of when I'm with my friends and we're talking in line.
“Can’t. We’re buying groceries.”
This line confused me for a bit. I had to re-read a couple of times to figure out how it linked to what they were saying before. I think the character was answering this question: “I’ll just bet. What are you doing now?” but there's a problem with the wording somewhere.
Overall
This is a very captivating work with incredibly vivid imagery. As I was reading this I felt as if I was there in the story with James.
Some Things To Work On whining at an invisible pain in his body
whining at the invisible pain in his body --> you have already mentioned the pain previously
as more blood sprayed into the air from his mouth
as more blood sprayed from his mouth into the air --> active form of the sentence
He was laying on the floor of a small living room
He had been lying on the floor of a small living room --> “was” suggests that he was still lying on the ground but the previous paragraph ended with him standing up
on the floor of a small living room, outside a shattered sliding glass door was a dull second floor patio; one door lead to a small kitchen and dining room, one led outside while a third led to a hallway and bedrooms
This description is confusing. I think you should use a period instead of a comma between “living room” and “outside” because they sound like two separate ideas. The sudden mentioning of doors is confusing because you don’t mention any of the doors previously so the reader has no idea where the doors lead from. Also the word “lead” should be changed to “led” like you have done with your second usage of the word.
covering it leaking blood
covering it leaked blood
was longer than he likes
was longer than he liked
itching his skin along with making his skin itchy along with
When he had been handcuffing the female suspect, she had attacked him While he was handcuffing the female suspect, she had attacked him
pulling her off and shoving her
pulling her off of James and shoving her
emergency room, almost two hours
emergency room for almost two hours
counting, I want to go home
counting – I want to go home
His wife was long ago asleep
His wife was long ago asleep
his wife, Elisa cooking breakfast
his wife, Elisa, cooking breakfast
crazy woman bite me
crazy woman bit me
“After leave, it won’t kill me.” She stared at him, irritated. “After my leave, okay?”
The way you’ve placed these phrases makes it seem as if Elisa is the one saying all of this. Perhaps you could try to insert “he said” somewhere or make some sort of indication that he is saying those words. but he wasn’t sure exactly
but he wasn’t sure exactly at what --> sounded incomplete
the two woman from before
the two women from before
The two woman exchanged glances
The two women exchanged glances
In all the time she had been hunting werewolves and other creatures Of all her experiences with hunting werewolves and other creatures
“Where are we going?” James asked roughly.
I thought James knew where he was going seeing as how he was the one who said “let’s go” in the previous paragraph. Is he forcing the woman, Lisa, to take him somewhere? If so, then give some sort of indication earlier on otherwise when the reader reaches this statement, it becomes confusing.
“You’ll be dead soon.”
“By who?”
““You’ll be dead soon.” “Why?” --> more suitable answer to the question
“My hunters or another group; the vampires could get you too.”
“My hunters or another group are coming to get you ; the vampires could get you too.” --> to fit the question “Why?”
Overall this is quite good. Write on!
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