Hi thank you for sharing and it was a very interesting piece. I enjoy how you take what is seemingly just an idea, a feeling of sort that you have and write about how you want it to evolve and perhaps even change the world. It was full of spirit and I enjoyed reading it.
There were a few awkward sentences as well misspellings. "Maybe I should think as like this" I think you need to delete the "as"
Also "I got enough spirit...I got enough weekends." I would suggest replacing this with the word "have."
"I am told something important. I’ve been always innocence and the grown-ups just tried to manipulate and intimidate me to become as them." I've always been innocent - past tense. and the grown-ups just "try" to manipulate me - go from past to present tense if that is actually your intent or keep it all past but you alternate. Try to keep it consistent. What you have currently does not flow as well as it could.
Those are just a few suggestions. keep up the great work and I hope you continue to write with such passion as this piece shows!
This is really adorable. I like how you can feel like the child who is about to present the gift. The poem opens the doors into the child's mind. How excited he or she , the care that went into such a simple gesture such as hand picked flowers, even the satisfaction of believing they have found the perfect gift. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading it!
HI Maddy, I really enjoyed reading your piece and thank you for sharing! I like how you developed what was happening early on in the form of a story with the character expressing those regrets. The one thing I would maybe recommend taking a look at is your last words in each lines. Sometimes they are the same or sometimes they rhyme but that is not consistent, at least in a way that I can decipher. I would try and standardize this. So either have a repeating word do so in a reoccurring order so that it flows a little nicer or perhaps look at not having repeating words. I really liked what you wrote though, you could visualize and could feel for the main character. Thanks again!
Whitelily
Hi, thank you for writing and sharing this. I enjoyed how in the beginning you were not quite sure who this man was. What he was doing. And slowly he became what the world needed and understanding dawns on the reader what you a re writing about. I think you could add a bit more perhaps to develop his transition into a teacher and then how people loved and then feared him. Perhaps add more emotions and depiction of the reactions he inspired if that makes sense? Just to spice it up. But I thought it was a great story/poem!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/whitelily
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 1:34pm on Nov 28, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
